My heart is Breaking into a Million Pieces...

... and not just for why you think. It is being broken by Jesus. As I have prayed before, He is starting to make it happen. "Break my heart for what breaks yours."

I know His heart breaks for me and my babies. I also know that Riley and Brielle are in heaven with Him so he is rejoicing that two of His children are home. Jesus heart hurts for us when we go through hard times and He only gives the strongest the biggest battles, not ones who are strong in their own strength but those who are stong because of Him (Phillipians 4:13). My heart is breaking because half of me is being broken because I miss my babies while the other half of me is glad that Christ came so we can all spend eternity together.

Those two halves break even further because my children that are all across the world are not with me either. I worry about my childrens birth mothers. How are those women doing? Are they safe, happy and healthy or are they in "the least of these" and in need of someone to take care of them. Are my children even born and suffering somewhere in an orphanage? My children will be part of the 147 million orphans. That hurts. It hurts to know your babies are somewhere in the world, away from you and there isnt anything you can do about it yet. I wish I could be there for them at their first breaths. To hold them and kiss them and wrap them up to carry them around until their own little legs can support themselves. It is all the uncertainty that breaks my heart.  

My heart breaks again because Africa is singing me a sad ballad of all the heartbreak that is happening there. People who are in need of food and medical care. Who are in need of the story of Hope given to us by Jesus Christ. They are need of someone to care and love them.

This feeble heart of mine feels like it is in a million pieces right now and only Christ can put them back together. I feel so unsure of myself but so sure of Christ. Missions have always been on my heart since I was a little girl. I was nine and would tell my parents when I grew up I wanted to move to Africa. When I met my husband we were two crazy kids and didnt have a plan. As we grew together and grew in our relationship with Christ his heart started to break for the kids in a music video on tv. It's such a small thing but that is when Superman started to realize that his heart breaks for the same people mine does.

In September we were still praying for God to show us his will. We felt adoption tugging really hard on our hearts. That same week I found out that I was pregnant again. We thought maybe Gods plan was different from ours and were thrilled with whatever was brought our way. We found out on Nov. 4th that our baby girls heart wasnt growing properly and it stopped. She was born on Monday. God is moving in a big way and we are not sure of where to go. Adoption is in our future and we hope God has us doing missions as well. Financial reasons are the only hold up right now because of all my medical bills and school debt. We are praying God will show us where we are supposed to be.

I dont tell my story to seek pity or tears but to let others know that God can work ALL things together for GOOD. Even in the middle of the storms, when you cling to God, He will take care of you. I know missionary work is heartbreaking and backbreaking and I am thinking God is using these hard times to make us stronger and closer to him.

Please just pray that God show is His plans and moves us wherever he wants.