Tough Stuff

Updated: 12/05/11

A few years ago I thought I wanted to be a CNA (certified nursing assistant). I took the courses I needed and did my hours in an assisted living facility. I really loved it there and came to adore many of the people. This isn't about all the stories I have to tell about that place -which I have many- but of one lady there. One lady that confused my whole world. I wish I could remember her name but I can't. I can picture her face though. Curly hair and a funny demanding voice. That isn't what made her unique. What made her special was that she carried around a baby doll.

Yes, she was probably in her 60's or 70's and carried around a little doll. She said that this was her little boy and truly believed it. Some of the CNA's and nurses played along while others made fun of her for it and a few just ignored it all together. Some even decided that it was unhealthy and wanted to take the doll away. This lady had clothes for the baby doll and wore him in a carrier. She refused to do anything unless her baby was in the room with her. Even when she showered she had to have him right outside the shower to know that he was safe.

Never quite understanding where she came from I am sad to say I ignored it. I thought she was strange and didn't understand. I adored this lady and loved talking to her but I didn't understand why she would want to pretend this doll was her son. One nurse was especially kind to her and helped her bathe her baby in the sink. I watched both ladies gently wash the babies head and put the tiny clothes back on him. Amazed by how kind the nurse was to the lady everyone thought was crazy I asked her why she helped her. She told me that many years ago in life the lady's baby boy had died and when she had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's she forgot that the baby had died and kept asking for him. She would cry because she thought someone took her son. I believe it was her grown daughter that gave her this baby doll so she would stop crying and sleep through the night. The lady grew to love this baby like it really was her son so she kept him. It soothed her and mended her heart. It was that baby doll that helped her live.

Strange thing is I never truly understood why she could think the baby doll was real. Why she would want to live a "lie" and why would her family be okay with it. After losing Riley in May and the twins my arms truly ache wanting to hold a baby. Just any baby to hold and rock them for a moment to pretent that my babies are safe in my arms. To close my eyes and pretend for a moment that my heart isn't broken and life didn't turn out this way. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't heal my broken heart.

I may get some flack for this but I can understand why she wanted and needed the baby doll. In a moment of frustration and sadness a few nights ago I stuffed a pillow under my pajama shirt just to see what I would look like right now if I was still pregnant with Riley. I broke down in tears feeling crazy and missing something that never was. Half of me is embarassed to tell something so personal and the other half just wants to be honest with people. I don't allow myself to have these "crazy moments" often but they do happen. The heart ache of not having your baby in your arms is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. If pretending is what kept her going in her old age then I don't see a problem with it.

People look at me like I am crazy because I named my "miscarriages." I probably get made fun of like the lady with the baby doll. There are people who support me and people that make fun of me and mostly people that ignore me. That is okay with me. Naming my babies, yes they were real living itty-bitty babies, is what has helped me heal. When I can refer to them by name it helps my heart a little bit. It is the moment of confirmation that my babies were real. When months and years go by and people forget that they were ever here, I will always remember. I will always remember my first three babies, no matter how little they were. If you ever remember my babies just let me know. I promise that hearing their name will not make me sad, it will make me feel better because it is terribly hard to be a mother when you have no baby in your arms.

How can the same sound bring so much joy and so much pain, to the same heart,

in the same breathe?

A newborn’s cry. A toddler’s laugh. A mother’s scold.

Empty arms ache at the sound

Joy for you, with you

Pain for me, hope deferred, desire denied

 

The empty arms of a barren womb

Empty arms that laid Baby in a grave

Empty arms of life lost before it began...

Empty arms of choiceless singleness

 

You grumble about the kids you’ve got

I weep inside for the child I’ve lost

I distance myself, from you, from hurt

Hating myself, wishing I could give more

Plastered fake smile pains face and heart

I keep silent, believing you wouldn’t understand

The pain, the joy, the desire, the grief

 

Am I the only one that struggles this way?

Does anyone know the volatile emotions I hide?

Will the grief, the longing, the pain ever end?

Where can I find healing, wholeness, hope?

 

There at the cross of Jesus Christ

I see arms stretched out, open wide

Empty arms

Empty arms like mine

 

Empty arms offering comfort in grief

Empty arms providing forgiveness for sin

Empty arms bringing healing and wholeness

Empty arms with power to unlock the womb

Empty arms giving love for loneliness, hope, joy, peace

Empty arms exchanging death for life

 

Christ’s empty arms are open to you

To fill your empty arms.

--unknown

Risk

You know the saying, "It’s better to love than never to love at all."

I took the risk, I loved with all my heart, I was hurt and I can tell you that every moment was worth it. It is terrifying to love a child so small there is a huge change you will lose them. Some pretend they didn't exist, hide the tears, wish it wouldn't have happened...

I can't do that.

I love both of my children no matter where they reside because in the long run we all have the same Home. Whether this baby is staying here or going Home doesn't change that this is my child. I love my children that are scattered across the earth. I love God's children that call Africa home.

I took the risk and I loved.

The reason

When I start to get depressed and missing Riley takes over my life God sends me little reminders that I am not alone. I hope that one day God will bless us with one biological child to keep. We have always known we will adopt at least two but we had hoped we would be able to have one biological. I have come to terms that may never happen. My selfish heart still hopes that it does but I have faith that no matter the circumstances God will bless us. I miss my adoptive children just as much as I miss Riley. They are far away from me right now, just as Riley is. I will be with them someday, just as I will be with Riley. It still hurts a bit more because Riley was already here and in my life when I had to say goodbye.

Today I had a reminder that when a baby dies it doesn't just affect the parents. On Friday was a little boy who came into my office complaining of a headache. He was sitting there in the corner of the room sipping water while I was helping other children. This little boy then started to cry. I asked him if his head hurt that bad and he said no his heart hurt. I asked him, "you  mean like chest pains?" He said no he was missing his niece. I asked, "Oh, well where is she?"

"In heaven."

Those two words broke my heart. He shared his story with me. His sister and her husband were expecting a little girl but at about 18 weeks they lost the baby. He said he missed her so much and he was worried that in heaven no one would be there to teach her to walk and talk because her whole family was still here. He didn't want her to be crying because she missed her mommy and daddy so much. He was worried that she would forget about him. He asked me if I knew anyone in heaven that would take care of her until he could get there in one-hundred years when he dies. I said of course I do. I said my son Riley is there too. He said he knows who Jesus is and Jesus loves him so then he would love her too! He said Jesus will take care of the babies until we get there.

I agree. Until I get there and even after that He will take care of all of us. Forever and ever.

"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
~Unknown









Momma misses you so much Riley. Jesus knows I miss my babies all over the world.
Love, Momma

Say His Name for Me, Please.

This poem just touched my heart today. People don't understand that the pain doesn't "go away" and it will never be "okay." It is a new reality that I have to deal with everyday that my baby is not here. Too many people said that they would be there, willing to talk, "I'm here for you" I heard countless times. They were true for a few weeks, even one was there a few months but as time passes they forget but me... I can never forget, for it was my child that beat me to heaven. Some days I need a hug and just once I would love it if someone said Riley's name out loud to me.

Just Because time has passed
doesn't mean that all is fine.
My sadness, and my grief
Hasn’t diminished with time.

Just Because I am smiling
doesn't mean that I'm not down.
I cry for my little baby
when no one is around.

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart;
You start squirming in your chair.

Everyone avoids me now,
because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words that I need to say
Why does a mother's grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that cheek,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's all right if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

-unknown

Yesterday

Four months ago yesterday. It was in the afternoon. In that horrid bathroom. Four months ago I lost Riley.
Four months... that means I would have been over five and a half months.

He would have been about eight inches long and over one pound.
He might have had hair, or if he took after me he would be bald. ;)
He would be old enough to hear my voice.
He would have been able to clench his fists and wiggle his fingers.
His fingerprints are only his.
I would have been feeling his hiccups and he would be able to smile.
I would have had a baby belly and feeling his kicks. 
I probably would have had an itchy growing belly and the start of backaches.

My belly would have looked close to this... (of course this isn't my picture; google).

Yea, as you can tell I am a bit bummed right now. Prayer is the only thing helping me keep my sanity. I know God has a plan for all of this but right now I just need a hug or something. Would love to go get myself a big piece of chocolate cake but I cant eat bleached flower because of a new "diet" the doctor has me on to help with my digestion issues. Its harder when it comes close to the third of the month, every month because that is the day I lost him. When the EDD comes up at the end of this year I have no idea what it will be like. I am dreading it in a way because it will be one more reminder of 'what isn't.' I keep looking up pregnancy information of how it would be if I was five and a half months pregnant. That is where that picture came from... I need to stop but being home alone doesn't help. Sigh.

I miss him. I miss him a lot.

This week I had quite a few of my friends with a status that read "___ weeks and craving ___." When I first read this I panicked. It made my heart hurt that even more of my friends were pregnant. I felt a wave of emotions that I feel every time someone announces their pregnancy. It hurt. I later got the message that explained it all. It was just a "game" where the month and day of your birthday is a category of weeks and food cravings based on the list in the message. Meaning since I was born May 4th I would have put "6 weeks and craving M&M's." I wanted to puke when I learned it was just a "game." Other mums-of-loss felt the same way. It hurt us that people would joke about pregnancy when we all were either TTC or cant get pregnant or their loss was recent. Pregnancy is not a joke and the topic is sensitive for many women.

Four month anniversary of losing Riley plus this "game" plus seeing "auntie flow" has really set me on edge yesterday and today. I'm forever thankful for my amazing husband, who seriously has been utterly great lately. I don't know where I would be without him. I know the Lord has plans through this all. He has a reason for everything. I know that my baby boy is in heaven with him right now. Its the only sense of peace I can find in this. God knows how I am feeling and he will never leave me. Thankful.

I Asked For It

It feels like I was just hit with a ton of bricks.

Im not sure if what I type will all make sense because my mind is still reeling. I was on facebook reading posts and a friend of mine posted and article about a woman named Katie Davis who is 22 years old and lives in Uganda... oh, and she is also the foster mom to fourteen children. I read the article about the woman and the love she has. I read a few of the mean spirited comments putting her down because she is so young and a mother to so many. They say she is selfish for wanting all those children for herself, a single-unwed-young-mother in another country. People saying that the children should be taken away because she is American and they are Ugandan. People saying that the government should take her children away because of it! No one thought that maybe this is where the children are meant to be. Its not the conventional family but it is a family that is built on pure love and trust. My heart hurt for her. Here she is, doing the Lords work ("Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families."-Psalms 68:5-6), and they are saying such mean things to her. Doing what she should do and they are hating on her and wanting her family to be torn apart.

I wanted to learn more about her so I found her blog.
here is her blog if you are interested:
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

but I digress, this is not what hit me with a ton of bricks. This was only about brick number one on this journey. I read her blog and I couldn't get through a single post without crying. I would finish one and before moving to the next, collect myself and say, "I cant possibly be crying over a blog, so stop being silly." I would stop the tears and read on to the next one, and then more tears would flow. The words she typed is my heart exposed from the inside. What she says is my dream since I was a child. I asked to be close to God and be more like Jesus. I guess I never really understood what it really meant. Jesus was hated by many, while he loved all. He was bloodied and beat, while he still loved them. He was scorned and called drunkard, while still loving them. He was mocked and still loved them. He was abandoned and still loved them. He was betrayed and still loved them. He watched loved ones die and feel pain, he felt the pain too because he loved them. He was a man that gave his entire life, literally, in order to show his love for us. I asked for this. I begged God for this. In order to be like Christ there must be pain.

This is where the rest of the bricks came raining down on me. I realized that I asked for it. I begged for it. Most of you know that in May we lost our baby. My only child that I had prayed for since before I could remember. God knew my heart and how much I loved this baby. I would have given my life just to hold him for a few moments. In order to be like Christ there must be pain. My son died, there is no pain like it and yet, God has experienced this. He watched his son being tortured, beat, bloodied, spat on, hated, bruised and hung on a cross to die. HE knows what its like to watch his own child die. I felt so alone. I know other women have been through it but I just couldn't feel a connection with them. God showed me that I am not alone because He has been there too. I asked to be closer to Him, to have more of Him and He gave it to me. His son is in heaven with Him, my child is also there with Him. My tiny baby that I loved so much is basking in Gods glory. I couldn't think of a happier, safer place to be. My arms are nothing in comparison to the arms of God.

I realized that I asked for this pain. I wanted to be closer to Christ and I got it. Its exactly what I asked for. Now I can say that I am thankful for it; my baby is safe in the arms of Jesus and I am closer to him. Even through this pain I ask to be closer still.

I have no idea where life will bring me. I am lost in all my ways except one. The only thing that keeps me going is trust. I trust God has a plan for my life and it will be for glory. So once again God, I ask to be closer.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him,
but also to suffer for him."
Philippians 1:29

Riley's Memory Box

I finished Riley's memory box. It was amazing and it brought so much closure. I miss him everyday and I wish he could have spent a lifetime in my arms but that wasn't Gods plan. I am thankful I even had a short amount of time to be pregnant. Creating the box allowed me to heal. The box is left of our television so its where everyone can see it. I'm very proud of my baby and I don't want anyone to think I will ever forget him. I am not one of those moms that will move on and just count the kids that are alive and born. I have one baby and I love him to bits. He just went home before me.

Here is a picture of the box:

Here are the first two tests I took
(the top very light one was first and two days later was the digital):

Here is a little bit of a close up of his onsie and his memorial lion:

This is how my mind works... I love this picture:

Two Weeks

At 1:00pm today I was supposed to be having my ultrasound to hear the babies heart. Today was supposed to be the day I saw Riley dancing in my tummy. It was supposed to be the first pictures of him with his proud mommy and daddy looking on. Instead we are remembering two weeks ago we lost Riley. We are remembering that Riley is dancing in heaven, not in my belly. Its harder than I thought to come to this day. I had to call my doctor to cancel the appointment because I couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. I guess I still had an inkling of a hope that they were wrong, even though I knew they weren't.

Most people have been wonderfully sweet. I have received many kind words and prayers. I have even had a bouquets of flowers sent to us. One of the most beautiful bouquets I have ever seen came from our Calvary family. I also was given an "In Memory of Riley" plant, gerbera daisies our wedding flower. I have had support from all directions. I have even joined a counseling group for grieving mothers and they have been absolutely wonderful. There is always a cloud in the midst of all this wonderfulness though and it tends to be people who are like this:




Not exactly what helps... They try but all they do is is hurt. Sometimes its better to say nothing except, "I'm sorry" than to risk hurting the person you are trying to comfort. When I start to feel a bit better, like I actually have control over my emotions, someone goes and knocks my feet out from under me with a snide comment about how I should be "over it" by now. Sorry to say but you never "get over" the loss of a child so please don't tell me to. Unless you have been there you cant even slightly understand and if you have been there you have to remember that grief is different for everyone. Some people are fine right away and a few months later just have a complete breakdown. Some people mourn and cry right away but a few months later are pulling themselves back together. Some take years to heal while some start to heal in weeks. Sometimes its a one step forward two steps back thing.

I think that's where I am at. The moment I feel like I can laugh again, like really laugh, something reminds me of Riley. I was laughing at a video yesterday and it felt good. Then a commercial popped up and it was a commercial with a baby lion in it. It broke me into tears. Riley's name means valiant or lion-hearted so anything to do with knights or lions makes me cry. I think someday it will turn into a sign of peace but for right now its just the salt on the wound. It heals because it reminds me that its there but it burns because the wound is still so real. I just pray that I will never forget my first baby and I pray that he will be waiting there at Home when I get there too.

Mundane

Today has been very mundane. Not good, not bad; just existing I guess. Its been a long few weeks and I have so much to do before we let out for summer. I can hardly consentrate on the task at hand because my mind always seems to want to think about nothing but Riley. If I got paid to think about Riley I would have made millions in the last two weeks.

The end of the school year is drawing near and that means I have the summer off for work. My last day is June 2nd. It is very relieving to know I will have a few weeks to just exist and not have any real obligations. We plan on vacationing with my parents sometime and his parents are coming out to visit in June. It will be nice to be able to spend some time with family. We are also trying to see of we can make it out to Maryland where Andrews family is for Christmas. I guess this year is all about family time. Its a good thing because Andrew and I are very family oriented but its hard for me because I know there will always be one family member missing from all of the joyous occasions.

Tomorrow will be the two week mark on the day we lost Riley. Its hard to wrap my head around that we will not be bringing our baby home this winter. Rileys due date was the end of December begining of January (December 30st to January 3rd). Riley porbably would have been a New Years baby. What a wonderful way to celebrate the new year... Until we meet you in heaven baby.

Whats in a name?

This is the first article of maternity clothing I planned on buying. If you arent already familiar with this style it is very Harry Potter -ish. Being in the gryffindor house it means that your biggest attribute is being courageous.

"You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry Set Gryffindors apart"

-The Sorting Hat

I'm in the Gryffindor house and Andrew is a Hufflepuff, if you didnt know. Anyone that knows me knows that I love knights, chivalry and brave hearts. I wanted nothing less for my baby. This is why we named him Riley. Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. I just know he is a man of honor, bravery and good character. Cheesy, yea of course but thats okay. All of my childrens names are picked for a reason. All of them have to do with being honorable, courageous, royalty, and chivalrous.

oh, and btw this shirt was made by eco maternity if you were curious.

To say or not to say...

Updated on 12/2/11: Missing Riley, Brielle and Maia.

Some people wonder what can you say or what should you say when a friend or loved one has lost their baby? This is just a simple list of things that in most cases would be okay to say and a list of things you shouldnt say.

It is of course different for each mother going through it and each father. It depends on her greiving process. The best thing you can do is listen and dont judge her based on her emotions. If she wants to cry, let her cry. If she gets angry, help her work through that anger. If she blames herself, reassure her. If she screams and wails, let her and dont leave her. Just listen. Going through this has taught me that the absolute best thing you can do for someone is to listen to whatever they have to say even if it takes hours. Just sit with them and love them. Dont try to "fix" them or get them to stop crying. Dont pretend like it didnt happen. Recognize the baby by the name if they chose to name the baby. Urge them to take care of themselves and eat. Urge them to seek counseling if you feel like you cant listen enough or if they are showing suicidal tendencies. Many women are depressed for a few weeks, while some women take months, years or never heal. Losing a child is one of the hardest things someone has to go through, regardless of the age the child is loved and treasured.


Things okay to say:

1. "Im so sorry."
2. "I'm here to listen."
3. "It's not your fault."
4. "I love you and am praying for you."
5. "Can I pray with you?"
6. "Do you want to talk about it?"
7. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
8. "We love and miss Riley, Brielle and Maia too." (call the baby by his or her name).
9. "Can I cry with you?"
10. "Can I give you a hug?"
11. "It's okay to cry and be sad/upset/angry/tired/hurt/etc."
12. "It sucks and I wish I could change it."

Things NOT to say:

1. "You can try again later." (That doesn't change the fact that we miss this baby right now, one child doesn't replace another).
2. "You will have more children someday." (I repeat: one child doesn't replace another).
3. "You're strong you will get over it/past it." (you NEVER get "over" the death of your child).
4. "I've been through something similar... my dog died last week/I lost my job/my month sucks too/etc." (you better not compare the loss of my children to losing a dog... you may see a side of me you have never seen before).
5. "At least you werent too far along." (a baby is a baby no matter how small. Saying this is like saying its better to have your newborn die than your toddler).
6. "It's probably better it died because there may have been something wrong with it" (never ever, ever refer to the baby as an it and nothing was "wrong" with my baby).
7. "Someday you will have a chance to be a mom/dad" (she or he is already a mom or dad, dont belittle their baby in heaven).
8. "Miscarriage can be a good thing because you dont want a retarded baby. I know I wouldnt." (This should be self explainatory but yes, people have said this)
9. "How far along were you?" (It doesnt matter).
10. "You know my aunt/mom/sister/friend went through the same thing and went on to have more children." (Nice way to blow off the way the mother is feeling right now).
11. "Why do you name your miscarriages/blobs/fetus/etc?" (There was a BABY in there not a "blob" and I am not "naming my miscarriages" I am naming my children).
12. "Someday you will be a great mom." (are you saying that I am not a great mom now or that I am not a mom period?)

A long time...

This blog has been stagnant for what seems like an eternity; in reality its been two months. A lot has happened in that short time. My amazing husband and I found out that we were pregnant! We were excited and nervous. It happened a bit earlier than we expected but we were still thrilled to have a baby. Andrew went straight into "daddy-mode" and started planning. We started talking about how we would handle school, work, church and a new baby. We were scared but we knew we could do it. This baby was a miracle after all, not just because all babies are miracles but because of the fact it happened the absolute first time. I knew in my heart that God had planned this little one and that is how I knew we were going to make it. We were walking around target looking at the baby things we would need. We picked a brown and green theme that had matching set with a car seat, stroller, playpen, crib and everything. We found a little lamb that I begged for Andrew to buy me but he said we should wait until after the baby shower. I was so exited! That Sunday we told my parents. My dad was thrilled and he had to leave because he started to cry. I remember all the tear stained cheeks and the smiles and hugs. Our family was so excited for us. My brother poked by still-flat belly and said he was happy to be an uncle. My mother held my hand and my dad just beamed. Andrew stood next to me with a smile from ear to ear. Proud daddy already. Monday came and went. I was actually enjoying my pregnancy symptoms. Its strange but I loved the feeling that I needed to puke, I love the aching breasts and being sleepy all the time. I loved spending thirty minutes rolling around in bed trying to find a spot that was comfortable for me and wondering if the little baby was comfortable too. I called him skittle at this point because that was about how big he was. I dreamt of sitting in a rocker holding my tiny baby. That's all I wanted was that dream.

It breaks my heart to say but that dream wont come true yet. At a mere six weeks and four days I had to say goodbye to a part of my soul. We lost the baby. I am still mourning and a big mess. One week ago today was the day I was rushed to the emergency room. In three hours and a few minutes it will be the exact time I knew I lost our baby. People must be frustrated with me to no end because of the amount of tears that my eyes have rained.

May third, the day before my 22nd birthday, I started having abdominal pain that morning. I knew that some light cramping and being uncomfortable was normal so I welcomed this new symptom. I glowed all day and couldn't wait for the summer when we would tell everyone at our jobs about the baby (by then we would have a plan of either me staying home or working). At about 1pm I took my regular bathroom break. Walking there the cramps started to get worse but not anything big, but it was big. My stomach felt like someone was taking a screw driver too it and it looked like it too from all the blood (tmi, sorry). I fell to the floor in the bathroom alone and called my mom because she works with me. I couldn't get a word out of my mouth and my mom just said, "Ill be right there." It felt like forever but my mom was there in minutes to help me up. I was in so much pain and fear at that point. I managed to hide the tears and go and sit in her classroom while I called my husband and my mom called my doctor.

Andrew was there ten minutes later with a look of worry on his face. He was calm and collected like he always was but I saw through his mask and he was scared too. We tried to go to urgent care because its closer but they didn't have an ultrasound machine. We went to the er and I almost collapsed in pain on the floor. Two hours later I was seen by the doctor. My body was going into shock and my bp was 164/102 and my heart rate was at 134. I excused myself to use the restroom again and I saw that the bleeding stopped. I got my hopes up that maybe it was just something strange that happened and now the baby will be okay. The doctor was very kind and explained to me about all of the blood work, tests and ultrasounds I would be going through. She said she wanted me to get an iv. She did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed and there was no more bleeding, I was thrilled! That was such good news and I felt so much better.

I went through the ultrasound without a hitch. The bleeding was stopped so I assumed the baby was okay. I even joked a bit with Andrew about how I can never take the easy road. The ultrasound tech was nice but wouldn't let me see the screen. I was sneaky and watched the whole thing in the reflection in her glasses; she probably thought I was a creeper for staring so intently at her face. I saw my womb but couldn't see anything else. Maybe I wasn't far enough along to see the sack or maybe I missed it because it is hard to read an ultrasound when looking at it in a two inches by one inch glass reflection.

We went to another room and did the paperwork. The lady at the desk was so amazing and told me that she thought I would be fine and congratulations on the baby. She said she had a feeling that this would be the best birthday present I have ever got. We went into another room where they drew blood and I got my iv. The guy must have been new because he wasn't very good at it and it hurt a lot. I had a big bruise from the iv he gave me and I have never ever had a bruise from an iv. He put the bracelet on so tight it was leaving an indent on my wrist. Andrew and I chatted and talked about how nice it would be when the baby was here. He just held me while we waited for the test results.

The doctor called us back again and I was so distant it felt like watching it on a movie. She came in with a sad face and said I'm sorry its not good. She handed me paperwork and said a bunch of things I cant remember. I just cried and cried, short breathed quiet cries. I thought my heart was going to just fall out of my chest. The doctor said she was so sorry and gave me a hug. Andrew started to get teary eyed but stood strong for me. The doctor excused herself and asked the nurse to help me with my release papers.

The nurse said the absolute worst thing anyone could have ever said, "Not trying to be mean but its probably a good thing you miscarried because that means there was something wrong with it. You will get over it."At that point I just lost it. I sobbed hysterically, it was probably a good thing because if I had control over myself I would have hit her for calling my baby an it. She tried to take my bp and it was through the roof. She told me I needed to calm down, calm down?! I just cried even harder. I stared at Andrew wishing he would just tell her to leave. She stood there and clicked her pen and kept saying things like, "you need to stop crying... calm down... I'm not writing those numbers down because then they wont ever release you... calm down if you want to go home...we don't have time for this..." and finally she huffed and left to go get the doctor. Eventually I got my bp to 130/89 and they released me. As I left they handed me a bunch of papers that said Possible Miscarriage/Failed Pregnancy. It was NOT a failed pregnancy. I had not failed. Andrew had not failed. My baby had not failed. My pregnancy was not a failure by any means. My pregnancy was wanted, loved and cared for. My baby was wanted, loved and cared for.

I remember just sobbing for hours. I cant even remember the rest of that night. There was a slim chance that the baby was okay but I continued to be in pain and bleed. It was so bad every time I saw blood I thought I was going to puke and I stared crying all over again. Over the next few days I had another doctors appointment and they confirmed that my hcg levels have dropped which means I have already lost the baby for sure and that miscarriage was inevitable. It hurt so bad the emotional and the physical. I was devastated. I have cried on and off since then. Today is the first day since then that I have not sobbed, although it is only a little past 11 o'clock so we will see.

Andrew and I decided to name the baby that we loved so much.
Riley Faith Hudgins.

Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. Faith was picked because of the literal form of the word and it was after Andrews sisters middle name. He is our first baby and as of right now our only. He just beat us to heaven. I miss him so much and can hardly think of anything but him. I would give my right arm to just have 30 seconds to hold him and give him a kiss. I hope he knows that mommy and daddy love him more than life itself. We don't know the sex but I am convinced it was a boy. Riley, if you hear me saying "he" and you are a girl I am deeply sorry. I wish we could have had more time with you. We made you a memory box with a few little things, the first onsie I bought (it says 'dirt magnet'), the positive pregnancy tests, a little wood lion and a few others. Your daddy is creating a picture for us of forget-me-nots because Riley we will never ever ever forget you. On three canvases, you, me and daddy.

This was the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life but I am trusting that God knows what he is doing and I can trust him. It is hard. I have been sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, in denial, and so many other emotions I have never felt so deeply. I think I will continue to post about my feelings and missing Riley. I will also post a blog about things you should or shouldn't say to a mother or father who had just lost their baby. I think all of this will be a good release.

Pray for peace and quick healing for my body.
Pray we find shelter in the Lord during times of trouble.
Pray for strength in our marriage and patience for Andrew.
Pray for strength for me.