God is Faithful

Even when I start to doubt I need to remember that God is faithful and he has a plan for my life. Some days are harder than others but in the end He is faithful.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."
Deuteronomy 7:9

Andrew and I have bought plane tickets to spend Christmas in Maryland with his family. We haven't been to Maryland in three years and haven't seen any of his friends and family and this time we get to spend ten days there! We are so excited to be able to visit friends and family over the holiday. It will be bittersweet because while we are there we will be celebrating Riley's due date. He was supposed to be a Christmas baby and this is the first Christmas that I will spend without him. December 27th is going to be really hard for me. That was the due date the doctor told us we may be holding our baby in our arms. Instead though Jesus is holding him for me. We are really praying that we have good news to share on Christmas day but we are just waiting for Gods plan in all of this.

We may be out the running for a mayflower but that doesn't mean I will stop praying for a cute little junebug or a fireworkbaby or a summerbaby or a saphirebaby or pumpkinbaby or whatever God has instore for us to bring home though. Sometimes its hard to trust when you have no idea what is going on. I just have faith that He can see the big picture. I know He has a purpose for all of this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Anyways we are still really happy and excited that we are going to go visit his family. We miss them a lot and it is a totally Gods blessing that we are able to go this year. He has provided us with so much its impossible to not be thankful. We are hoping for a white Christmas because I have never seen snow on Christmas before. We do live in Arizona where all you need is a sweater in the middle of winter. What a beautiful day it would be to have powder snow on the ground, family and friends all around and a great surprise to tell everyone. Even if we have no surprise to share we will be amazingly blessed to have this opportunity.

I am already in the Christmas spirit! I am wanting to wear sweaters and scarves. Excited to go to Maryland I want to pack already, I am one of those strange people that LOVE to pack. I really really love it. I am ready for snow and cold weather. I am ready to celebrate the birth of my Savior with my family. It is one of my favorite times of the year. God is good through all the storms, I am hoping and praying it is time for my rainbow.

The Law

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." Matthew 5:17

Jesus fulfilled the law. The end.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

Peter

I think I am like Peter.

Peter was willing to step out on the ocean to walk on the water but he started sinking because of fear. 
Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:28-31)

Peter was so rash and excited to see Jesus on the land that he jumped out of the boat and swam to land! (probably arriving after the boat too lol)"As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water." (John 21:7)

Peter swore to always follow Jesus and yet he denied Him three times.
"Peter asked, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!" (John 13:37-38)

Peter told Jesus that he will never let him wash his feet and when he heard Christs reply, Peter was a bit melodramatic in the response.
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”  Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”  “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” (John 13:8-9)

Peter is rash and passionate. He lives and loves with a wild abandon...but because of this abandon there are many times he has "open-mouth-insert-foot" moments. I can relate to this. God knows that I am a starter but not always a finisher. He knows I try to be brave but on the inside I am crying like a little girl. I always promise him that I will love Him but I fall on my face many times. I am not always a good example nor someone to be looked up to but I THANK JESUS that he loves me anyways. Even through all of his "oops" moments Jesus still called him the rock and used him to build the church! God uses me even though I am full of mistakes, rash, emotional, dramatic... because He knows my heart.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”   (John 21: 15-19)

If God can do this with Peter, make him the rock of the church. Then why should I be afraid to let Jesus do this with me? He knows I am willing because I surely would be the first one to step out of the boat but only with him will I be able to actually walk. I want to trust Jesus with my ALL. I want to be the one he uses to bring Him glory. I want to reflect all of his goodness and majesty. I want to live flat on my faith in obediance and reverence for the Lord. I want to love the way Jesus loved; endlessly and unconditionally. The only thing that holds me back is fear. Fear that I am not good enough, that I cant do it, that we wont have the money to do it, that I am to ugly to do it (hey, I am honest here), that I...I...I...I... point taken. I need to stop saying "I" and start saying HIM. I shouldnt be telling God how big my problems are; I should be telling my problems how BIG my God is!

New moto: Fear freezes, faith frees.

A Compelling Message for Teen Abstinence

Society has been conned into believing that sex is casual and that princesses and princes do not exist. It has come to believe that things are not special and we are nothing but animals. I think this is one of the most appalling and sad things that has happened in society. I read an article on voicesforlife.net titled: Wet Mascara - A Compelling Message for Teen Abstinence. This article hit really close to home because personally I believe in abstinence before marriage. This subject is very sensitive for most people, myself included.

The article was written by a girl named Faye who is in high school. She just broke up with her boyfriend whose name was Richard, he was known as one of the cool kids and he was a football player. They broke up because she didn't want to lose her virginity. The article talks about the reasons why she didn't want to lose her virginity. She had many reasons and she called them the chain. She is Catholic so she didn't want to let down her belief. She didn't want to let down her parents. She also wanted a man who was not just a "relationship" but a life long lover. It sounded very logical to me. I loved the article. You could hear the hurt in her voice when she had to let her boyfriend go but she did it because she knew it was the right thing.

This generation has been told to believe that sexual desires cannot be controlled and there is no reason to control it. Many high schoolers lost their virginity between the ages of fourteen and seventeen. When you look back at that age you can see how young and tiny you really were. Most admit that they weren't ready for it and I would bet that they weren't ready for the consequences. AIDS, STDs and pregnancy are just a few. From a one time fling you can catch a disease that will last your lifetime and can even cut your lifetime short. Ask anyone was that one time worth it? I would bet that most would say it wasn't. We are in a sex filled society with shows like The Secret Life of an American Teenager (where it makes it look like every single teenager is having sex), Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries, 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. Ive watched all of these shows many times and even enjoyed quite a few of them. but looking back as a married adult I can see how much those shows infiltrated our society and gets in the minds of girls.

Teenage girls and even young adult women tell me that I don't know what its like because I am married. I think they tend to forget that I am only 22 years old and was a teenager just yesterday. Yes, I remember the pressure to be sexually active or at least "mess around." I did my best to stay abstinent and didn't even kiss a boy until I was seventeen and a half. I cant say I succeeded at my goal but I wish with all my heart that I did. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't get pregnant out of wedlock and didn't get an STD. Even without those consequences I still wish that I would have waited. I wish all girls could hear my story about how real men do exist and something close to a fairy tale can happen. I wish I could tell them all that having sex before you are married can hurt your future husband or wife. I wish this generation wasn't so sex obsessed and knew how precious it is to not sleep with everyone on the football team. I also wish that I could tell every girl in the world that even if you have had sex, you can CHOOSE to not have sex anymore. Just start over. You cant get your virginity back but you can get your pride and purity back. God can fix any wounds we have created.

I love this article so I will post it below. She said it far better than I could ever have said:

The following account from a seventeen-year-old girl who advocates abstinence until marriage is from an issue of Life Issues Institute Newsletter:

"I guess that 2 am on an autumn night is as good a time as any for an emotional breakdown - which is why my pillow is wet and the mascara, so carefully applied to impress you, Richard, is spread across my nose and cheeks. They call it waterproof mascara, but sometimes life's setbacks are just too much even for waterproof mascara. Why don't they market 'loser's mascara' so a teenage girl can get dropped on her head by a football hero and fade out of the picture glamorously.

"We've been dating steadily for three months now. But when you drove off a half-hour ago, your masculine pride wounded, I realized that we were through. You didn't say as much, but I know you won't call again. You did say, 'I've been patient, Faye, but three months is a long time and . . .well, you know.' Sure, three months is a long time to date a girl who doesn't 'put out.' The pressure has been building up slowly as we've become more intimate and more fond of each other. At least you were nice enough to bother with me for three whole months. I mean . . .a virgin and a football player!? Not a very workable combination, is it Richard?

"But I won't be dateless forever. In spite of what people say, there are a lot of guys who will date virgins. After all, I'm only 17 and you're 18. We're not in the compulsory-affair age group yet. And I'm pretty enough to have guys calling me up, Richard. But, I'll admit, they're not superstars like you. Because your jaw is square and you look like Sean Penn, you're charming and witty, and you led the league in rushing last season, you expect a girl to 'put out.' And I know plenty of my girlfriends who would, maybe will, do just that for you.

"But why wouldn't I? It's just not that easy to explain. And sitting in your car a few minutes ago, with your eyes blazing angrily at me, the reasons just fell out of my head like shingles off a roof. And I felt stupid for not wanting to make love. And yet there are many reasons why I am unwilling. You say they're dumb reasons. Well, tonight maybe I think so too, but tomorrow I think maybe they'll seem valid again. 'Is it because I'm Catholic?' you asked. Well, in a way, but that's not the whole reason. Having sex with you tonight would have caused a chain reaction, and now that I'm lying alone in bed, I can see that chain more clearly.

"Why is it that the answers appear only after the argument's over? If I slept with you, I couldn't go to communion on Sunday and, as we go to Mass as a family, that would set my parents worrying, and then what would I tell them? So that's two people that I love who are hurt right off the bat. Plus I'd feel hurt and guilty too.

"I'm no saint, Richard, but I don't want to abandon my faith. I believe in God, and that belief gives my life a very real and sane perspective. But to you who have no religion, for me to say I like being a practicing Catholic, well, that's sort of like saying I like being a chimpanzee - you just wouldn't understand. What other reasons do I have?

"Well, in a way, my generation is shell-shocked. You know the sexual revolution isn't a revolution any longer. It's old hat. Some of us, even at my age, can stand back and observe the outcome before being involved and, frankly, I don't like what I see. If I could look at my friends and family who've been a part of that revolution and say, 'They lived happily ever after,' I might be a convert. I might even now be snuggled in your arms in that warm car, but it's not like that, Richard. I see a great big lack of happiness out there.

"My older sister, Ruth, lived with her boyfriend for twelve months when she was 19, and then it fell apart - his doing, mainly. She was so hurt by it that she warned me never to get caught in the same situation. She really didn't have to warn me. I could see the agony involved, and she wasn't even pregnant. Imagine if she'd been pregnant and been duped. Well, she might have turned into a single parent struggling along trying to juggle a baby and roommates and high rent. Her glamorous single existence would be long gone. But she's still not married, and I think the experience has hurt her so badly that it's warped her attitude toward making a future commitment.

"What other reasons come to mind as I lie here in bed at 2 am? Well, many. My generation - our generation, Richard - sees a lot of scary things coming from having casual sex: herpes, AIDS, venereal disease, warts, sores and abortions. You know, back in the '60s, teenagers didn't have to worry so much. Oh, there was venereal disease, but that was about it. But today, when a girl loses her virginity, my friends joke, 'Then she's eligible for the Big D.' "D" is for death because, if you get AIDS, you can die from having had that sex. You know, casual sex isn't all that casual.

"I don't know anyone personally who has herpes, but one of my sister's girlfriends caught it off a guy whom she considered very nice, and it was only the second guy she'd slept with. But now, herpes will give her a lifetime of problems like who would want to marry her? And when she has babies, if the herpes is active, she'll have to have a caesarean section. You know, all of these things give a girl cause to think.

"And then there's another reason, Richard, why I'd like to hold on to my virginity. What could have started tonight would have been a 'relationship', an open-ended affair with no strings, no commitments and no ground rules. How long would it last - six months, a year? Not forever, that's for sure, because neither of us is ready for marriage yet. Two of my close girlfriends are in just such relationships now - totally non-binding. And that's where the chain reaction comes in.

"When their relationships end, Richard, they're likely to move into somebody else's bed. Oh, I've heard about secondary virginity where someone loses his or her virginity and then regrets it and opts for celibacy, but that's rare. If I lose my virginity at 17, how many men will I sleep with before meeting the one I marry? And, you know, I guess I just don't want to be someone's casual 'relationship'.

"When I give myself, I want it to be in marriage. I want to be somebody's life-long lover - the person my man can't bear to live without. I don't want a 'relationship'. Anybody can have that. I want poems and flowers. I want a diamond ring and children and a history together. And I want our history to end happily ever after.

"Well, it's 3 o'clock in the morning now, and I guess I am feeling a bit better. I guess I should have laid out these reasons for you tonight, my handsome friend, but at least in thinking them back in my own mind, I'm better equipped to handle the fact that we are through. And tomorrow I'll wipe off my smeared mascara and get on with my life.

"Will I see you at Diane's party? And who will you have on your arm? Will my heart churn as I linger by the punch bowl pretending to have a marvelous time engrossed in conversation with a nerd? Yes, I will. I've lost you, Richard, but I retain my independence, my self-respect and my simple uncomplicated existence. Tomorrow my eyes will be swollen, but my future will be free and unfettered. So I guess maybe I'm really not a loser after all."

I Asked For It

It feels like I was just hit with a ton of bricks.

Im not sure if what I type will all make sense because my mind is still reeling. I was on facebook reading posts and a friend of mine posted and article about a woman named Katie Davis who is 22 years old and lives in Uganda... oh, and she is also the foster mom to fourteen children. I read the article about the woman and the love she has. I read a few of the mean spirited comments putting her down because she is so young and a mother to so many. They say she is selfish for wanting all those children for herself, a single-unwed-young-mother in another country. People saying that the children should be taken away because she is American and they are Ugandan. People saying that the government should take her children away because of it! No one thought that maybe this is where the children are meant to be. Its not the conventional family but it is a family that is built on pure love and trust. My heart hurt for her. Here she is, doing the Lords work ("Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families."-Psalms 68:5-6), and they are saying such mean things to her. Doing what she should do and they are hating on her and wanting her family to be torn apart.

I wanted to learn more about her so I found her blog.
here is her blog if you are interested:
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

but I digress, this is not what hit me with a ton of bricks. This was only about brick number one on this journey. I read her blog and I couldn't get through a single post without crying. I would finish one and before moving to the next, collect myself and say, "I cant possibly be crying over a blog, so stop being silly." I would stop the tears and read on to the next one, and then more tears would flow. The words she typed is my heart exposed from the inside. What she says is my dream since I was a child. I asked to be close to God and be more like Jesus. I guess I never really understood what it really meant. Jesus was hated by many, while he loved all. He was bloodied and beat, while he still loved them. He was scorned and called drunkard, while still loving them. He was mocked and still loved them. He was abandoned and still loved them. He was betrayed and still loved them. He watched loved ones die and feel pain, he felt the pain too because he loved them. He was a man that gave his entire life, literally, in order to show his love for us. I asked for this. I begged God for this. In order to be like Christ there must be pain.

This is where the rest of the bricks came raining down on me. I realized that I asked for it. I begged for it. Most of you know that in May we lost our baby. My only child that I had prayed for since before I could remember. God knew my heart and how much I loved this baby. I would have given my life just to hold him for a few moments. In order to be like Christ there must be pain. My son died, there is no pain like it and yet, God has experienced this. He watched his son being tortured, beat, bloodied, spat on, hated, bruised and hung on a cross to die. HE knows what its like to watch his own child die. I felt so alone. I know other women have been through it but I just couldn't feel a connection with them. God showed me that I am not alone because He has been there too. I asked to be closer to Him, to have more of Him and He gave it to me. His son is in heaven with Him, my child is also there with Him. My tiny baby that I loved so much is basking in Gods glory. I couldn't think of a happier, safer place to be. My arms are nothing in comparison to the arms of God.

I realized that I asked for this pain. I wanted to be closer to Christ and I got it. Its exactly what I asked for. Now I can say that I am thankful for it; my baby is safe in the arms of Jesus and I am closer to him. Even through this pain I ask to be closer still.

I have no idea where life will bring me. I am lost in all my ways except one. The only thing that keeps me going is trust. I trust God has a plan for my life and it will be for glory. So once again God, I ask to be closer.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him,
but also to suffer for him."
Philippians 1:29

About the Author

I needed something to pass the time and I saw this on another blog so I figured I would give it a shot...

A bit about yourself:
My name is Katlyn and and I am twenty-two years old. My handsome husbands name is Andrew and he is twenty-four. We have one baby named Riley and he resides in heaven. We also have one four-legged family member, a little rascal named Walli. I am a "health office manager" which means I kind of run the nurse's office. My husband is a supervisor at Ross. We are both still students; I go to Grand Canyon Uni and he is at the Uni of Phoenix, Im working on getting my counseling degree to work with at risk youth and teen parents. He is working on getting his degree to be a middle school math teachers -so proud of him.

Now, onto the questions!!

How would people describe your personality? (If they could only use ONE word.) Are they right?

Oh, um... Im not sure... Probably odd or something like that. Yes, they would be right.

What celebrity/celebrities would create a “Star-Struck” feeling if you saw them in real life?

Im not into the hype about celebrities. I think it would be cool to meet them but Id wouldnt feel "star-struck" or anything.

What is your comfort food/drink?

Food I really like all food in general. It really depends on my mood.
For drink, I really drink a lot of water but when Im in a grumpy mood, sick or have a headache I like a good ole dr. pepper.


Be brave – tell us something very random and weird about yourself.

I have Limbic ADHD and I think its cool. The ADHD part isnt weird but its the fact that I like having it. Its hard to get a handle on but I think it is just part of who I am. I am scatter-brained, loses things, not always on time, "ooo, shiny things" type of gal and Im okay with that.


Do you have a strong desire to do something you’ve never done? What is it?

Easy, go one a mission trip.

Movies: Action, Family, Drama, Romantic Comedy, Documentary, Comedy? What are your favorite genres?

I would have to choose family, action, comedy then documentary. I dont like scary movies at all.

Books: Fiction, Non-Fiction, Romance, Biographies, True Stories, Self-Help, Devotional/Study? What are your favorite types of reading material?

YA, fiction, or Fantasy for sure. In reality though I will read anything I can get my hands on.

Music: Funk, Rock, Country, Jazz, Classical, Film Score, Blues, Classic Rock, Crooner, Alternative, Heavy Metal, Techno? What are your favorite types?

Alternative, christian-rock and Disney songs. hey, I work in an elementary school so my music has to be kid-friendly.

If you inherited a million dollars, what is the first thing you would do with your money?

I would tithe, buy a house with some land, pay off our student loans, get a new car, donate a bunch of it, travel, and put the rest in savings.

Name one weakness of yours (confession is good for the soul).

A good book, I am a book-nut and willing to admit it. I will spend my nights spending eight hours reading a book instead of sleeping. Its like an addict, once I start I cant put it down no matter how terrible the book is.

If you could live anywhere at all (and take all your loved ones with you), where would you go?

I actually like Phoenix but I would say Prescott or somewhere around there. The trees are gorgeous and the weather is a tad cooler.

What’s something you consider yourself to be good at? (Don’t worry, it’s not bragging, it’s acknowledging a God given gift).

I remember a bunch of random information. I can recall random and pointless facts like its nothing. My brain wont focus on things I need to remember, like bringing my lunch of where I put my car keys but I can tell you that some penguins mate for life, the word rapture is no where in the bible, in an average lifetime a person will walk about five times around the equator, and the chicken came before the egg.

What is one of your favorite things to catch a whiff of?

Rain most of all, but I also like the smell of spearmint, coffee, books and new shoes.

When you leave a social gathering, do you wish: You would have talked more or You would have talked less?

Depends on who I am with. I tend to be very quiet around people I dont know and I wish I was more outgoing but with people I know I am really talkative and wish I listened more.

If money wasn’t a factor, what stores would you shop in?

People tree, burberry (just for a coat), and all my normal stores like forever21 and target.

What is your greatest fear or strange phobia?

Greatest fear was of losing one of my children, its already happened. So, I guess it would be that I would lose another one of my children.

What is your greatest accomplishment?

Im not sure yet, I havent accomplished much.

What are your favorite animals?

I love owls, they are my favorite animal. I also like hippos, giraffes, and penguins.

A long time...

This blog has been stagnant for what seems like an eternity; in reality its been two months. A lot has happened in that short time. My amazing husband and I found out that we were pregnant! We were excited and nervous. It happened a bit earlier than we expected but we were still thrilled to have a baby. Andrew went straight into "daddy-mode" and started planning. We started talking about how we would handle school, work, church and a new baby. We were scared but we knew we could do it. This baby was a miracle after all, not just because all babies are miracles but because of the fact it happened the absolute first time. I knew in my heart that God had planned this little one and that is how I knew we were going to make it. We were walking around target looking at the baby things we would need. We picked a brown and green theme that had matching set with a car seat, stroller, playpen, crib and everything. We found a little lamb that I begged for Andrew to buy me but he said we should wait until after the baby shower. I was so exited! That Sunday we told my parents. My dad was thrilled and he had to leave because he started to cry. I remember all the tear stained cheeks and the smiles and hugs. Our family was so excited for us. My brother poked by still-flat belly and said he was happy to be an uncle. My mother held my hand and my dad just beamed. Andrew stood next to me with a smile from ear to ear. Proud daddy already. Monday came and went. I was actually enjoying my pregnancy symptoms. Its strange but I loved the feeling that I needed to puke, I love the aching breasts and being sleepy all the time. I loved spending thirty minutes rolling around in bed trying to find a spot that was comfortable for me and wondering if the little baby was comfortable too. I called him skittle at this point because that was about how big he was. I dreamt of sitting in a rocker holding my tiny baby. That's all I wanted was that dream.

It breaks my heart to say but that dream wont come true yet. At a mere six weeks and four days I had to say goodbye to a part of my soul. We lost the baby. I am still mourning and a big mess. One week ago today was the day I was rushed to the emergency room. In three hours and a few minutes it will be the exact time I knew I lost our baby. People must be frustrated with me to no end because of the amount of tears that my eyes have rained.

May third, the day before my 22nd birthday, I started having abdominal pain that morning. I knew that some light cramping and being uncomfortable was normal so I welcomed this new symptom. I glowed all day and couldn't wait for the summer when we would tell everyone at our jobs about the baby (by then we would have a plan of either me staying home or working). At about 1pm I took my regular bathroom break. Walking there the cramps started to get worse but not anything big, but it was big. My stomach felt like someone was taking a screw driver too it and it looked like it too from all the blood (tmi, sorry). I fell to the floor in the bathroom alone and called my mom because she works with me. I couldn't get a word out of my mouth and my mom just said, "Ill be right there." It felt like forever but my mom was there in minutes to help me up. I was in so much pain and fear at that point. I managed to hide the tears and go and sit in her classroom while I called my husband and my mom called my doctor.

Andrew was there ten minutes later with a look of worry on his face. He was calm and collected like he always was but I saw through his mask and he was scared too. We tried to go to urgent care because its closer but they didn't have an ultrasound machine. We went to the er and I almost collapsed in pain on the floor. Two hours later I was seen by the doctor. My body was going into shock and my bp was 164/102 and my heart rate was at 134. I excused myself to use the restroom again and I saw that the bleeding stopped. I got my hopes up that maybe it was just something strange that happened and now the baby will be okay. The doctor was very kind and explained to me about all of the blood work, tests and ultrasounds I would be going through. She said she wanted me to get an iv. She did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed and there was no more bleeding, I was thrilled! That was such good news and I felt so much better.

I went through the ultrasound without a hitch. The bleeding was stopped so I assumed the baby was okay. I even joked a bit with Andrew about how I can never take the easy road. The ultrasound tech was nice but wouldn't let me see the screen. I was sneaky and watched the whole thing in the reflection in her glasses; she probably thought I was a creeper for staring so intently at her face. I saw my womb but couldn't see anything else. Maybe I wasn't far enough along to see the sack or maybe I missed it because it is hard to read an ultrasound when looking at it in a two inches by one inch glass reflection.

We went to another room and did the paperwork. The lady at the desk was so amazing and told me that she thought I would be fine and congratulations on the baby. She said she had a feeling that this would be the best birthday present I have ever got. We went into another room where they drew blood and I got my iv. The guy must have been new because he wasn't very good at it and it hurt a lot. I had a big bruise from the iv he gave me and I have never ever had a bruise from an iv. He put the bracelet on so tight it was leaving an indent on my wrist. Andrew and I chatted and talked about how nice it would be when the baby was here. He just held me while we waited for the test results.

The doctor called us back again and I was so distant it felt like watching it on a movie. She came in with a sad face and said I'm sorry its not good. She handed me paperwork and said a bunch of things I cant remember. I just cried and cried, short breathed quiet cries. I thought my heart was going to just fall out of my chest. The doctor said she was so sorry and gave me a hug. Andrew started to get teary eyed but stood strong for me. The doctor excused herself and asked the nurse to help me with my release papers.

The nurse said the absolute worst thing anyone could have ever said, "Not trying to be mean but its probably a good thing you miscarried because that means there was something wrong with it. You will get over it."At that point I just lost it. I sobbed hysterically, it was probably a good thing because if I had control over myself I would have hit her for calling my baby an it. She tried to take my bp and it was through the roof. She told me I needed to calm down, calm down?! I just cried even harder. I stared at Andrew wishing he would just tell her to leave. She stood there and clicked her pen and kept saying things like, "you need to stop crying... calm down... I'm not writing those numbers down because then they wont ever release you... calm down if you want to go home...we don't have time for this..." and finally she huffed and left to go get the doctor. Eventually I got my bp to 130/89 and they released me. As I left they handed me a bunch of papers that said Possible Miscarriage/Failed Pregnancy. It was NOT a failed pregnancy. I had not failed. Andrew had not failed. My baby had not failed. My pregnancy was not a failure by any means. My pregnancy was wanted, loved and cared for. My baby was wanted, loved and cared for.

I remember just sobbing for hours. I cant even remember the rest of that night. There was a slim chance that the baby was okay but I continued to be in pain and bleed. It was so bad every time I saw blood I thought I was going to puke and I stared crying all over again. Over the next few days I had another doctors appointment and they confirmed that my hcg levels have dropped which means I have already lost the baby for sure and that miscarriage was inevitable. It hurt so bad the emotional and the physical. I was devastated. I have cried on and off since then. Today is the first day since then that I have not sobbed, although it is only a little past 11 o'clock so we will see.

Andrew and I decided to name the baby that we loved so much.
Riley Faith Hudgins.

Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. Faith was picked because of the literal form of the word and it was after Andrews sisters middle name. He is our first baby and as of right now our only. He just beat us to heaven. I miss him so much and can hardly think of anything but him. I would give my right arm to just have 30 seconds to hold him and give him a kiss. I hope he knows that mommy and daddy love him more than life itself. We don't know the sex but I am convinced it was a boy. Riley, if you hear me saying "he" and you are a girl I am deeply sorry. I wish we could have had more time with you. We made you a memory box with a few little things, the first onsie I bought (it says 'dirt magnet'), the positive pregnancy tests, a little wood lion and a few others. Your daddy is creating a picture for us of forget-me-nots because Riley we will never ever ever forget you. On three canvases, you, me and daddy.

This was the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life but I am trusting that God knows what he is doing and I can trust him. It is hard. I have been sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, in denial, and so many other emotions I have never felt so deeply. I think I will continue to post about my feelings and missing Riley. I will also post a blog about things you should or shouldn't say to a mother or father who had just lost their baby. I think all of this will be a good release.

Pray for peace and quick healing for my body.
Pray we find shelter in the Lord during times of trouble.
Pray for strength in our marriage and patience for Andrew.
Pray for strength for me.

Waiting on You Lord...

...its not easy but faithfully I will wait.

I miss you so much right now that it hurts. My head aches and my eyes mist over as I think about bringing you home someday.
Always know that I have loved you since the beginning of time and I will do whatever it takes to bring you home.

My husband and I have been planning to adopt for what seems like forever. We are waiting on the Lord to tell us when the time is right. We are only coming up on our first wedding anniversary and our four year anniversary so we know we are still young in life. We are trying to live in obedience and let him take control. I know I have slipped and I am thankful for a God who is full of grace because he has blessed me so much that I know I do not deserve.

My kids may not have even been born or conceived yet but I dream about them. I wonder what they look like. Will they have brown curly hair and a big grin? Will they have frizzy red hair with doe like blue eyes? Will they be hazel eyed with coffee colored skin? Will they be short or tall, I think they will be just right. I wonder what their personality will be like. Will they be a little spitfire like their momma or will they be calm and collected like their dad? Will they love sports or books or both? Will they love to talk your ear off or will they love to listen? Will they love to dance and sing or will they love to tend to a garden? Will they love to travel the world or stay at home? I know whatever child the Lord places in our arms they will be perfect.

I try to be as patient as I can but my heart just aches thinking that the birth mother of my child is out there right now. She is living and breathing and all I can do is hope and pray that she is okay. I ask the Lord to take care of her and keep her under his wing. I know giving us such a blessing will cause her heartache so I beg the Lord to give her strength and love. I pray that she is taken care of and loved. I pray she knows the love of Jesus and someday we will get to meet. I wish I had the opportunity to give her a hug and thank her for all she is about to do. I want her to know that she is beautiful and she is strong. I want her to know the Lord made her in his image and that she is amazing. I want her to know that the Lord created her to be treasured and that she is mighty. I just pray that while we are both waiting to see what the future brings us that she knows I am praying for her.
I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve until it is time for my children to come home.

When my heart starts to ache and I grow impatient I put on the song "While Im Waiting" by John Waller and I just pour my heart out to the Lord. He gives me strength when I am weak. He comforts me when I am scared. He builds me up when I feel like my heart is collapsing beneath me. Whatever he has in store it must be amazing because this plan he is creating feels like it is taking a long time. There goes my impatience again (lol). I just pray for peace to fill my heart.
He is control and that is all I need to know.