Today I went to obgyn. She said that everything was normal and I am healed and in three months we are allowed to start trying again... trying... again... One: we never "tried" in the first place it was a complete miracle that we got pregnant at all. The baby was a gift from God. Two: I lost my baby less than two weeks ago and people are already asking me when I want to try again. The NP was so sweet and I really liked her. I may consider her in the future for my ob.
After the appointment Andrew and I decided to grab some lunch. My mind was still picturing the nurses in pink escorting very pregnant ladies back to the patient rooms. Mothers rubbing their bellies, mothers carrying little ones and carrying their bellies, mothers making appointments for their ultrasounds, mothers wearing cute maternity clothes and talking about what names they have picked out. This is where my mind was. Lunch was nice to be able to sit down with my husband because he works tonight. I smiled, I was fine but as soon as I had to leave his side my day just went down hill.
I haven't been able to concentrate in almost two weeks and I have been an insomniac. I feel like a hypochondriac but I cant help it. All I want to do is try. I smile, I chitchat, I make nice with mothers and mothers-to-be, I congratulate the newly pregnant women on our campus. I do everything I am supposed to in order to be a good woman but on the inside I feel like I am melting. I feel like I have a gaping hole in the middle of my gut that no one can see or chooses not to see. People act like nothing has happened and I know for them, nothing has happened. I wish time would just stop for a while. Just to let me catch my breath and breathe. I wish I had time to mourn and cry. I'm angry about the words that people say and the questions that they ask. I'm tired of people asking if or when are we going to try again. I'm tired about that is the only thing people ask me. Only one friend has asked me how I was doing or if I wanted to talk. That's the hardest thing. People cant see that I really feel like I am falling apart.
I really don't want to be nice. I want to tell everyone I'm miserable and I miss my baby. I want more than two people to actually recognize that he was a person and a person we loved very much. I want people to say his name. Riley. Is it really that hard? I guess for some people it is. If I tell people his name they just stare at me blankly or nod their head as if to say, "why would you give it a name?" Most probably think I'm crazy and that's okay with me. I am crazy. I'm crazy in love with my baby, Riley, that is in heaven. I would do anything to bring him back. I'm not happy right now. I have had smiles a little more and I actually laughed yesterday. It feels good to laugh but I am just not ready to be back to normal. I dont have a choice though. I didn't have to bury my baby so I get no time to mourn. Its back to the normal daily grind. SS,DD.
This is just my blog where I am having a tantrum.
I want my Riley back.
I want to be pregnant again.
I don't want to be a grown up and go to work.
I want people to realize I am hurting.
I want to be able to lay in bed all day and cry.
I want God to fix my heart because it seems so broken lately.