Unproductive

Much of the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. Thus I have been not very productive and haven't gotten as much done as I should have... I guess I just have to accept we all have days like that.

I was reminded by email from babycenter that I would be due in about 70 days. My belly should be nice and round 30 weeks pregnant but its not. I am still learning to accept this life without Riley. It has its ups and downs like everything else in life. I stare at the memory box we have and just remember that Riley is in heaven. Hanging out on the streets of gold, chatting it away with Jesus. I just know he is a chatter box like his momma; although I am much less talkative than I used to be. I keep to myself more. God is now my support, the only way I get through the day is through his strength. God has blessed us in many ways. I know he works all things together for good but it doesn't mean I still don't miss my first baby. Riley will always be my first and will hold that place in my heart. Our next baby will hopefully be our first born baby and has a new place in my heart.

I was forgot that my registry for Riley is still up on the Target website. Of course I couldn't not go look at it again once I remembered. There were only three or four things on there but it still hit me hard. Seeing the car seat we would be buying soon was hard. Seeing the green cloth diapers I picked out was even harder because there would be no little tushy to fill those this winter. No cute baby winter clothes.

No warm blankets made for cuddling cute baby.
No big fat belly at Christmas time hoping I don't pop until after my cousins wedding which is on December 30th. No big maternity dresses because I would feel like I was the size of the house. No aching bones and surely no baby kicks on Christmas morning.
Its hard sometimes because I want those things back, as in right now. Half of me wants to be 30 weeks pregnant right now and glowing. the other part of me is accepting that God sometimes has other plans than we imagined. God has chosen us to be blessed in another way but it doesn't mean I still don't mourn my first baby. 

God is Faithful

Even when I start to doubt I need to remember that God is faithful and he has a plan for my life. Some days are harder than others but in the end He is faithful.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."
Deuteronomy 7:9

Andrew and I have bought plane tickets to spend Christmas in Maryland with his family. We haven't been to Maryland in three years and haven't seen any of his friends and family and this time we get to spend ten days there! We are so excited to be able to visit friends and family over the holiday. It will be bittersweet because while we are there we will be celebrating Riley's due date. He was supposed to be a Christmas baby and this is the first Christmas that I will spend without him. December 27th is going to be really hard for me. That was the due date the doctor told us we may be holding our baby in our arms. Instead though Jesus is holding him for me. We are really praying that we have good news to share on Christmas day but we are just waiting for Gods plan in all of this.

We may be out the running for a mayflower but that doesn't mean I will stop praying for a cute little junebug or a fireworkbaby or a summerbaby or a saphirebaby or pumpkinbaby or whatever God has instore for us to bring home though. Sometimes its hard to trust when you have no idea what is going on. I just have faith that He can see the big picture. I know He has a purpose for all of this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Anyways we are still really happy and excited that we are going to go visit his family. We miss them a lot and it is a totally Gods blessing that we are able to go this year. He has provided us with so much its impossible to not be thankful. We are hoping for a white Christmas because I have never seen snow on Christmas before. We do live in Arizona where all you need is a sweater in the middle of winter. What a beautiful day it would be to have powder snow on the ground, family and friends all around and a great surprise to tell everyone. Even if we have no surprise to share we will be amazingly blessed to have this opportunity.

I am already in the Christmas spirit! I am wanting to wear sweaters and scarves. Excited to go to Maryland I want to pack already, I am one of those strange people that LOVE to pack. I really really love it. I am ready for snow and cold weather. I am ready to celebrate the birth of my Savior with my family. It is one of my favorite times of the year. God is good through all the storms, I am hoping and praying it is time for my rainbow.

Fifty-three Million

If 53 million children disappeared from the earth, would you notice?

If 53 million lives were gone, would you care?

If 53 million people were thrown away, would you do something?

Today marks the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. As of January 22, 1973 there are 53 million voices silenced because of something we call choice.

Abortion is a very sensitive topic for many people to discuss. There are many different stances on it. There are prolife people, prochoice people, prodeath people, medical prochoice people, in the case rape or incest prochoice people, and others.

My belief is that ALL human beings deserve equal rights. The most basic right we have is the right to life. I dont think we should be judging people on their age, size, location or appearance. Life is the most basic right, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..." But why is it only some humans have those rights? I stand for equal human rights.


This is what abortion does. Abortion means that one person is better than another. One life is more important than another. Abortion is saying, "I have the right to end you life just for convenience because I dont want to have to deal with you."

I know all human life is special and needs to be seen as something good. Life is good. Human life is good. God created us and said that it was good. Ending these lives for the sake of choice is throwing the natural order to life into oblivion. Over 95% of abortions occur because the mother just decides she doesnt want to be pregnant anymore. Less than 1% is because of rape or incest and 1% is because of fetal abnormalities.

(http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/psrh/full/3711005.pdf)

There are millions and millions of lives being thrown away just for convenience... one life is more important than another. This is what America believes in, is it? Does America believe that some people are better than others? That older people are better than younger people? That bigger people are better than smaller people? That 'normal' looking people are better than less developed looking people? Is this really what our country stands for? It appalls me that we are legally allowed to end a human life because of how old that human is; taking in no regard for that individual human life.

Science states that life begins at conception. Prenatal development text books used in medical school state that human life begins at conception. Here is just five medical professors that say the point of life is able to be pinpointed:

"It is incorrect to say that biological data cannot be decisive...It is scientifically correct to say that an individual human life begins at conception."
-Professor Micheline Matthews
Roth Harvard University Medical School

"I have learned from my earliest medical education that human life begins at the time of conception."
-Dr. Alfred M. Bongioanni
Professor of Pediatrics and Obstetrics, University of Pennsylvania

"After fertilization has taken place a new human being has come into being. [It] is no longer a matter of taste or opinion...it is plain experimental evidence. Each individual has a very neat beginning, at conception."
-Dr. Jerome LeJeune
Professor of Genetics, University of Descartes

"By all the criteria of modern molecular biology, life is present from the moment of conception."
-Professor Hymie Gordon
Mayo Clinic

"The beginning of a single human life is from a biological point of view a simple and straightforward matter – the beginning is conception."
-Dr. Watson A. Bowes
University of Colorado Medical School


So even science states that human life begins at conception and we still cant seem to grasp the idea that abortion is ending these human lives.

We also dont know the repercussions of what abortion does to a society or the human race as a whole. When one out of three lives are missing from America, I think it would effect things. I hope this makes you think:

Waiting on You Lord...

...its not easy but faithfully I will wait.

I miss you so much right now that it hurts. My head aches and my eyes mist over as I think about bringing you home someday.
Always know that I have loved you since the beginning of time and I will do whatever it takes to bring you home.

My husband and I have been planning to adopt for what seems like forever. We are waiting on the Lord to tell us when the time is right. We are only coming up on our first wedding anniversary and our four year anniversary so we know we are still young in life. We are trying to live in obedience and let him take control. I know I have slipped and I am thankful for a God who is full of grace because he has blessed me so much that I know I do not deserve.

My kids may not have even been born or conceived yet but I dream about them. I wonder what they look like. Will they have brown curly hair and a big grin? Will they have frizzy red hair with doe like blue eyes? Will they be hazel eyed with coffee colored skin? Will they be short or tall, I think they will be just right. I wonder what their personality will be like. Will they be a little spitfire like their momma or will they be calm and collected like their dad? Will they love sports or books or both? Will they love to talk your ear off or will they love to listen? Will they love to dance and sing or will they love to tend to a garden? Will they love to travel the world or stay at home? I know whatever child the Lord places in our arms they will be perfect.

I try to be as patient as I can but my heart just aches thinking that the birth mother of my child is out there right now. She is living and breathing and all I can do is hope and pray that she is okay. I ask the Lord to take care of her and keep her under his wing. I know giving us such a blessing will cause her heartache so I beg the Lord to give her strength and love. I pray that she is taken care of and loved. I pray she knows the love of Jesus and someday we will get to meet. I wish I had the opportunity to give her a hug and thank her for all she is about to do. I want her to know that she is beautiful and she is strong. I want her to know the Lord made her in his image and that she is amazing. I want her to know that the Lord created her to be treasured and that she is mighty. I just pray that while we are both waiting to see what the future brings us that she knows I am praying for her.
I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve until it is time for my children to come home.

When my heart starts to ache and I grow impatient I put on the song "While Im Waiting" by John Waller and I just pour my heart out to the Lord. He gives me strength when I am weak. He comforts me when I am scared. He builds me up when I feel like my heart is collapsing beneath me. Whatever he has in store it must be amazing because this plan he is creating feels like it is taking a long time. There goes my impatience again (lol). I just pray for peace to fill my heart.
He is control and that is all I need to know.