Addressing a comment someone left on my blog:
First, I would like to thank the commenter for saying they would pray for me and they hope I find peace.
Second, thank you for saying you think God will someday bless me with a child, except that I already have two children. Even though Riley and Brielle are in heaven doesn't mean that they are not my children. I have been greatly blessed and please don't mistake my grieving over them as I am ungrateful for my children. Also, carrying a baby is limited importance to me in the grand scheme of things, I know many of our children will be adopted. I carry them in my heart instead of my womb.
Third, I wanted to address the part where you told me that it is possible that I wasn't eating enough and that would cause me to miscarry. Also inferring that I could use to gain some weight to be healthy. I thought I would share what the doctor told us.
Honestly, I am small in build and in weight. I am five foot four and about 108lbs. Yes, that is not very big but not unhealthy. My doctor was not concerned about my weight unless I started to lose weight. Not that it is anyone's business what I eat but I figured I would clear some things up. I eat very healthy. I eat three solid meals a day and four "snacks." I eat all organic and balance out my carbs and protein and sugars. For some strange reason my body has a hard time staying hydrated and putting on weight, but again this did not concern my doctor because I was not under weight when I found out I was pregnant. Actually by my second doctors appointment I had gained two pounds. So no, my eating habits had nothing to do with my ability to "carry to term."
When we found out we lost Brielle I questioned the doctor if there was anything I could have done different. I was fearful that for some reason my body was killing my babies. The doctor told me that the way Brielle was growing was not in the 90th percentile of normal growth and was growing incredible slow. The heartbeat started a week later than it should have and even though she was growing it was not at the rate of even being close to normal. She said that the baby most likely had chromosome abnormalities and that is what was causing the slow growth. She prepared us for the idea that our baby may be born very sick or with health problems, if she made it to term at all. The doctor said that it would be very likely that our baby would be sick because of these abnormalities. Of course Andrew and I agreed that no matter what the outcome we wanted this baby. Whether this meant Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Triple X, Klinefelter Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome or whatever the outcome would be, we knew the baby was our gift from God and he would give us the strength to handle whatever was brought our way. We loved this baby the moment that second pink line appeared.
We still prayed that the baby would be healthy and that is exactly what happened. It is very possible that our babies health problems could not be solved on earth. So I prayed God would heal her in any way possible, even if it meant hurting me or killing me in the process. I was willing to lay down my own life for this itty-bitty baby but that was not God's plan. God's plan is that my baby is whole and healthy and in heaven. There is no place better. God chose to take her home early and thus hurting us in the process of at the same time blessing us. We had the blessing of enjoying her short life with her and loved her every moment she was here. I thank God for those nine weeks and I would do it all again.
UPDATE: For the commenter below inferring that I am anorexic this is just to humor you.
A list of what I have eaten today 09/16/11 by 3:54pm:
-Whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and a carnation instant shake for breakfast at about 7:30am.
-A few oreos for snack and finished a water bottle by about 10:00am.
-A foot long turkey sub on wheat from Subway (yes a foot long with extra mayo) and a Dr. Pepper for -lunch and a second water bottle at 12:15pm.
-A packaged of 100% juice fruit snacks at about 2:00pm.
-A slice of organic pumpkin pie and homemade whip cream; currently eating(Yum! early thanksgiving at the school where I work).