Happy Birthday

Dear Brielle and Maia -our little glory twins,

Happy one month birthday in heaven to you Brielle Grace.
Happy one month birthday in heaven to you Maia Hope.

Exactly one month ago you were born into mommy's hands at home. You were already in heaven but today is the birthday of your physical bodies were born on earth. I am so thankful for having both of you in our lives, we were blessed beyond belief for those nine weeks. I loved you, do love you and will always love you more than you will ever know. I know Jesus loves you so much more but I am the second one in line. Please know baby girls that we wanted you so much and would have done anything to selfishly keep you here with us. Praying God has a plan in all of this and we cannot wait to see you two and your brother again when we get to heaven.

We love you so much baby girls.
I miss you every single day.

Love,
Your mommy

Big News

As a mother I take comfort in looking at the old ultrasounds. We have one framed next to our TV of the baby we just lost. I always thought something looked different in the earlier ultrasounds than the newer ones but I could only guess what it was. Neither Andrew or I was good at reading ultrasounds but I always thought something was different. I thought I saw two sacs. Maybe it was just a bad picture or something I told myself. I haven't been at peace with it though and so I called my doctor. I just wanted answers about my baby.

Well after two hours of fighting to get someone to talk to I ended up talking to a triage nurse who, of course, said she couldn't read ultrasounds. I was upset because no one could answer my question. I was going to ask my doctor on Wednesday at our last followup appointment but I was too distraught when she started talking about tests we had options of doing to find out why we have miscarried two pregnanies.

We had a district wide health office meeting yesterday and I decided to ask one of the nurses there that I knew had been a L&D nurse for about 15 years. I hoped that of al people she would be the one to help me read an ultrasound... well, as soon as she saw the first picture she said, "That is two sacs, it would have been twins." Immediatly a huge sense of peace rushed over me. That was the information I was missing to be at peace with everything. I honestly felt like Christmas had come early. I felt at peace with everything that had happened and it was like the last puzzle piece slipped into place. With all the wondering and questions I had I never felt at peace with what happened and now knowing that there were TWINS, my heart knew that God was still blessing me even in valley.

So we are proud to say that we had twins!  I had her mark the pictures for me and she said Baby B is always smaller than Baby A. Once you see this ultrasound marked you can clearly see that there were two babies (momma knows).

Andrew and I talked about names but because I picked Brielle's name I wanted him to name our surprise twin. We knew that they were identical twins because they were in the same sac so we needed another girl name. I fell asleep while he searched all night for the perfect name for our surprise twin.

We are proud to introduce Brielle's twin:

Maia Hope Hudgins

Maia is Hebrew and it means "close to God" and she gave her momma hope in the darkest of times. She is a little light of joy that we needed to know that God is still near us. She will share a '"birthday" (November 7th, 2011) and memorial day with her twin, which is November 4th, 2011.

God is good. Even in the hardest of times when we rely on Him he will continue to bless us. He is the Alpha and Omega, the begining and the end. He was there at conception and we saw His face when we saw those two pink lines and we need to see his face even when those babies returned to heaven. Heaven is even more sweeter with our twins there.

Tough Stuff

Updated: 12/05/11

A few years ago I thought I wanted to be a CNA (certified nursing assistant). I took the courses I needed and did my hours in an assisted living facility. I really loved it there and came to adore many of the people. This isn't about all the stories I have to tell about that place -which I have many- but of one lady there. One lady that confused my whole world. I wish I could remember her name but I can't. I can picture her face though. Curly hair and a funny demanding voice. That isn't what made her unique. What made her special was that she carried around a baby doll.

Yes, she was probably in her 60's or 70's and carried around a little doll. She said that this was her little boy and truly believed it. Some of the CNA's and nurses played along while others made fun of her for it and a few just ignored it all together. Some even decided that it was unhealthy and wanted to take the doll away. This lady had clothes for the baby doll and wore him in a carrier. She refused to do anything unless her baby was in the room with her. Even when she showered she had to have him right outside the shower to know that he was safe.

Never quite understanding where she came from I am sad to say I ignored it. I thought she was strange and didn't understand. I adored this lady and loved talking to her but I didn't understand why she would want to pretend this doll was her son. One nurse was especially kind to her and helped her bathe her baby in the sink. I watched both ladies gently wash the babies head and put the tiny clothes back on him. Amazed by how kind the nurse was to the lady everyone thought was crazy I asked her why she helped her. She told me that many years ago in life the lady's baby boy had died and when she had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's she forgot that the baby had died and kept asking for him. She would cry because she thought someone took her son. I believe it was her grown daughter that gave her this baby doll so she would stop crying and sleep through the night. The lady grew to love this baby like it really was her son so she kept him. It soothed her and mended her heart. It was that baby doll that helped her live.

Strange thing is I never truly understood why she could think the baby doll was real. Why she would want to live a "lie" and why would her family be okay with it. After losing Riley in May and the twins my arms truly ache wanting to hold a baby. Just any baby to hold and rock them for a moment to pretent that my babies are safe in my arms. To close my eyes and pretend for a moment that my heart isn't broken and life didn't turn out this way. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't heal my broken heart.

I may get some flack for this but I can understand why she wanted and needed the baby doll. In a moment of frustration and sadness a few nights ago I stuffed a pillow under my pajama shirt just to see what I would look like right now if I was still pregnant with Riley. I broke down in tears feeling crazy and missing something that never was. Half of me is embarassed to tell something so personal and the other half just wants to be honest with people. I don't allow myself to have these "crazy moments" often but they do happen. The heart ache of not having your baby in your arms is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. If pretending is what kept her going in her old age then I don't see a problem with it.

People look at me like I am crazy because I named my "miscarriages." I probably get made fun of like the lady with the baby doll. There are people who support me and people that make fun of me and mostly people that ignore me. That is okay with me. Naming my babies, yes they were real living itty-bitty babies, is what has helped me heal. When I can refer to them by name it helps my heart a little bit. It is the moment of confirmation that my babies were real. When months and years go by and people forget that they were ever here, I will always remember. I will always remember my first three babies, no matter how little they were. If you ever remember my babies just let me know. I promise that hearing their name will not make me sad, it will make me feel better because it is terribly hard to be a mother when you have no baby in your arms.

How can the same sound bring so much joy and so much pain, to the same heart,

in the same breathe?

A newborn’s cry. A toddler’s laugh. A mother’s scold.

Empty arms ache at the sound

Joy for you, with you

Pain for me, hope deferred, desire denied

 

The empty arms of a barren womb

Empty arms that laid Baby in a grave

Empty arms of life lost before it began...

Empty arms of choiceless singleness

 

You grumble about the kids you’ve got

I weep inside for the child I’ve lost

I distance myself, from you, from hurt

Hating myself, wishing I could give more

Plastered fake smile pains face and heart

I keep silent, believing you wouldn’t understand

The pain, the joy, the desire, the grief

 

Am I the only one that struggles this way?

Does anyone know the volatile emotions I hide?

Will the grief, the longing, the pain ever end?

Where can I find healing, wholeness, hope?

 

There at the cross of Jesus Christ

I see arms stretched out, open wide

Empty arms

Empty arms like mine

 

Empty arms offering comfort in grief

Empty arms providing forgiveness for sin

Empty arms bringing healing and wholeness

Empty arms with power to unlock the womb

Empty arms giving love for loneliness, hope, joy, peace

Empty arms exchanging death for life

 

Christ’s empty arms are open to you

To fill your empty arms.

--unknown

To say or not to say...

Updated on 12/2/11: Missing Riley, Brielle and Maia.

Some people wonder what can you say or what should you say when a friend or loved one has lost their baby? This is just a simple list of things that in most cases would be okay to say and a list of things you shouldnt say.

It is of course different for each mother going through it and each father. It depends on her greiving process. The best thing you can do is listen and dont judge her based on her emotions. If she wants to cry, let her cry. If she gets angry, help her work through that anger. If she blames herself, reassure her. If she screams and wails, let her and dont leave her. Just listen. Going through this has taught me that the absolute best thing you can do for someone is to listen to whatever they have to say even if it takes hours. Just sit with them and love them. Dont try to "fix" them or get them to stop crying. Dont pretend like it didnt happen. Recognize the baby by the name if they chose to name the baby. Urge them to take care of themselves and eat. Urge them to seek counseling if you feel like you cant listen enough or if they are showing suicidal tendencies. Many women are depressed for a few weeks, while some women take months, years or never heal. Losing a child is one of the hardest things someone has to go through, regardless of the age the child is loved and treasured.


Things okay to say:

1. "Im so sorry."
2. "I'm here to listen."
3. "It's not your fault."
4. "I love you and am praying for you."
5. "Can I pray with you?"
6. "Do you want to talk about it?"
7. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
8. "We love and miss Riley, Brielle and Maia too." (call the baby by his or her name).
9. "Can I cry with you?"
10. "Can I give you a hug?"
11. "It's okay to cry and be sad/upset/angry/tired/hurt/etc."
12. "It sucks and I wish I could change it."

Things NOT to say:

1. "You can try again later." (That doesn't change the fact that we miss this baby right now, one child doesn't replace another).
2. "You will have more children someday." (I repeat: one child doesn't replace another).
3. "You're strong you will get over it/past it." (you NEVER get "over" the death of your child).
4. "I've been through something similar... my dog died last week/I lost my job/my month sucks too/etc." (you better not compare the loss of my children to losing a dog... you may see a side of me you have never seen before).
5. "At least you werent too far along." (a baby is a baby no matter how small. Saying this is like saying its better to have your newborn die than your toddler).
6. "It's probably better it died because there may have been something wrong with it" (never ever, ever refer to the baby as an it and nothing was "wrong" with my baby).
7. "Someday you will have a chance to be a mom/dad" (she or he is already a mom or dad, dont belittle their baby in heaven).
8. "Miscarriage can be a good thing because you dont want a retarded baby. I know I wouldnt." (This should be self explainatory but yes, people have said this)
9. "How far along were you?" (It doesnt matter).
10. "You know my aunt/mom/sister/friend went through the same thing and went on to have more children." (Nice way to blow off the way the mother is feeling right now).
11. "Why do you name your miscarriages/blobs/fetus/etc?" (There was a BABY in there not a "blob" and I am not "naming my miscarriages" I am naming my children).
12. "Someday you will be a great mom." (are you saying that I am not a great mom now or that I am not a mom period?)