I Asked For It

It feels like I was just hit with a ton of bricks.

Im not sure if what I type will all make sense because my mind is still reeling. I was on facebook reading posts and a friend of mine posted and article about a woman named Katie Davis who is 22 years old and lives in Uganda... oh, and she is also the foster mom to fourteen children. I read the article about the woman and the love she has. I read a few of the mean spirited comments putting her down because she is so young and a mother to so many. They say she is selfish for wanting all those children for herself, a single-unwed-young-mother in another country. People saying that the children should be taken away because she is American and they are Ugandan. People saying that the government should take her children away because of it! No one thought that maybe this is where the children are meant to be. Its not the conventional family but it is a family that is built on pure love and trust. My heart hurt for her. Here she is, doing the Lords work ("Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families."-Psalms 68:5-6), and they are saying such mean things to her. Doing what she should do and they are hating on her and wanting her family to be torn apart.

I wanted to learn more about her so I found her blog.
here is her blog if you are interested:
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

but I digress, this is not what hit me with a ton of bricks. This was only about brick number one on this journey. I read her blog and I couldn't get through a single post without crying. I would finish one and before moving to the next, collect myself and say, "I cant possibly be crying over a blog, so stop being silly." I would stop the tears and read on to the next one, and then more tears would flow. The words she typed is my heart exposed from the inside. What she says is my dream since I was a child. I asked to be close to God and be more like Jesus. I guess I never really understood what it really meant. Jesus was hated by many, while he loved all. He was bloodied and beat, while he still loved them. He was scorned and called drunkard, while still loving them. He was mocked and still loved them. He was abandoned and still loved them. He was betrayed and still loved them. He watched loved ones die and feel pain, he felt the pain too because he loved them. He was a man that gave his entire life, literally, in order to show his love for us. I asked for this. I begged God for this. In order to be like Christ there must be pain.

This is where the rest of the bricks came raining down on me. I realized that I asked for it. I begged for it. Most of you know that in May we lost our baby. My only child that I had prayed for since before I could remember. God knew my heart and how much I loved this baby. I would have given my life just to hold him for a few moments. In order to be like Christ there must be pain. My son died, there is no pain like it and yet, God has experienced this. He watched his son being tortured, beat, bloodied, spat on, hated, bruised and hung on a cross to die. HE knows what its like to watch his own child die. I felt so alone. I know other women have been through it but I just couldn't feel a connection with them. God showed me that I am not alone because He has been there too. I asked to be closer to Him, to have more of Him and He gave it to me. His son is in heaven with Him, my child is also there with Him. My tiny baby that I loved so much is basking in Gods glory. I couldn't think of a happier, safer place to be. My arms are nothing in comparison to the arms of God.

I realized that I asked for this pain. I wanted to be closer to Christ and I got it. Its exactly what I asked for. Now I can say that I am thankful for it; my baby is safe in the arms of Jesus and I am closer to him. Even through this pain I ask to be closer still.

I have no idea where life will bring me. I am lost in all my ways except one. The only thing that keeps me going is trust. I trust God has a plan for my life and it will be for glory. So once again God, I ask to be closer.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him,
but also to suffer for him."
Philippians 1:29

Riley's Memory Box

I finished Riley's memory box. It was amazing and it brought so much closure. I miss him everyday and I wish he could have spent a lifetime in my arms but that wasn't Gods plan. I am thankful I even had a short amount of time to be pregnant. Creating the box allowed me to heal. The box is left of our television so its where everyone can see it. I'm very proud of my baby and I don't want anyone to think I will ever forget him. I am not one of those moms that will move on and just count the kids that are alive and born. I have one baby and I love him to bits. He just went home before me.

Here is a picture of the box:

Here are the first two tests I took
(the top very light one was first and two days later was the digital):

Here is a little bit of a close up of his onsie and his memorial lion:

This is how my mind works... I love this picture:

Whats in a dream?

So I realize that many of my posts are a rather depressing and unless you've been there you really cant understand. My dreams have been mainly nightmares lately but last night I actually had a good one! It was strange but good. It was just a dream of me walking around a house -lame dream I know buuuut, the house was my house.

If you are reading this blog you probably know that I dont have a house, my husband and I live in a one bedroom college-style apartment. Not exactly a decor dream. I love our starter apartment, I really do. I hope to have a house all our own for our kiddos someday.

Anyways back to the dream. It was our house that I was walking around and it was my dream house (get it? my dream house in my dream... never mind). I loved it. I was walking around barefoot wearing lilac nail polish. Yes, my dreams can be that random. I was wearing heather gray pajama pants and a white tank top and was walking around because I was playing hide-and-seek with my kids. It made me smile. I didnt get to see my kids because I was looking for them but I did get to see all different parts of the house.

This is what this blog is about... this house. I adored this house. I spent all yesterday after I got off work looking for pictures of this house. At least a general idea of what it looked like or at the very least the style of it.


This is the general look of the living room (but no rainbow books, just books in general).

Off to the side of this living room/dream library there was a nook cut out like this. It wasnt so white but it was clean cut like this and open with the large windows.
Above this area was the painting that Andrew painted to always remember Riley.

There was a wood apothecary cabinet in the kitchen. It was decorated with beautiful molding.

Large island with dark wood cabinets. So old world it was amazing.

There was a mud room that was cute anc colorful.
I remember because it was connected with the back door that I peeked outside.

The master bedroom was a bit on the smaller side but with a HUGE bed. It was so beautiful with the contrast of the dark wood and the light walls.
The bed was different than this though -general idea.
I remember peaking under the bed to see if I could see the little ones hiding.

My oldests girls bedroom looked a bit like this but with yellow instead of the gray. It was a mirror room where the other half of the room looked the exact same because two of my kids shared the room. The one bed was yellow and the other bed was green.

The nursery for the baby boy looked likethis but instead of the pink it was green and was a sailor, boat, old car, plane theme instead of the birds.

That was the general look of the house. Not exact but close. I loved it. It was one story and really open. The only major walls were for the bedrooms and bathrooms. The living room was one big great room connected with the kitchen too. It was full of light walls, dark woods and natural elements like stone. It was really beautiful. Running around in my pj's searching for my kids in a way made my heart hurt because thats the way I feel now. I know some of my kids are halfway around the world, one is in heaven and I may have some that havent been given to me yet. I feel like I am searching for them. The only relief was in the dream I knew that I would find them. They already existed and were in my heart. They had names (sadly I cant remember the dream names) but they were real, living people.

It was a dream come true (I did it again). Someday I hope this dream becomes a reality...

Fifty-three Million

If 53 million children disappeared from the earth, would you notice?

If 53 million lives were gone, would you care?

If 53 million people were thrown away, would you do something?

Today marks the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. As of January 22, 1973 there are 53 million voices silenced because of something we call choice.

Abortion is a very sensitive topic for many people to discuss. There are many different stances on it. There are prolife people, prochoice people, prodeath people, medical prochoice people, in the case rape or incest prochoice people, and others.

My belief is that ALL human beings deserve equal rights. The most basic right we have is the right to life. I dont think we should be judging people on their age, size, location or appearance. Life is the most basic right, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..." But why is it only some humans have those rights? I stand for equal human rights.


This is what abortion does. Abortion means that one person is better than another. One life is more important than another. Abortion is saying, "I have the right to end you life just for convenience because I dont want to have to deal with you."

I know all human life is special and needs to be seen as something good. Life is good. Human life is good. God created us and said that it was good. Ending these lives for the sake of choice is throwing the natural order to life into oblivion. Over 95% of abortions occur because the mother just decides she doesnt want to be pregnant anymore. Less than 1% is because of rape or incest and 1% is because of fetal abnormalities.

(http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/psrh/full/3711005.pdf)

There are millions and millions of lives being thrown away just for convenience... one life is more important than another. This is what America believes in, is it? Does America believe that some people are better than others? That older people are better than younger people? That bigger people are better than smaller people? That 'normal' looking people are better than less developed looking people? Is this really what our country stands for? It appalls me that we are legally allowed to end a human life because of how old that human is; taking in no regard for that individual human life.

Science states that life begins at conception. Prenatal development text books used in medical school state that human life begins at conception. Here is just five medical professors that say the point of life is able to be pinpointed:

"It is incorrect to say that biological data cannot be decisive...It is scientifically correct to say that an individual human life begins at conception."
-Professor Micheline Matthews
Roth Harvard University Medical School

"I have learned from my earliest medical education that human life begins at the time of conception."
-Dr. Alfred M. Bongioanni
Professor of Pediatrics and Obstetrics, University of Pennsylvania

"After fertilization has taken place a new human being has come into being. [It] is no longer a matter of taste or opinion...it is plain experimental evidence. Each individual has a very neat beginning, at conception."
-Dr. Jerome LeJeune
Professor of Genetics, University of Descartes

"By all the criteria of modern molecular biology, life is present from the moment of conception."
-Professor Hymie Gordon
Mayo Clinic

"The beginning of a single human life is from a biological point of view a simple and straightforward matter – the beginning is conception."
-Dr. Watson A. Bowes
University of Colorado Medical School


So even science states that human life begins at conception and we still cant seem to grasp the idea that abortion is ending these human lives.

We also dont know the repercussions of what abortion does to a society or the human race as a whole. When one out of three lives are missing from America, I think it would effect things. I hope this makes you think:

Favorite Things

1. Sleeping in a dim lit room.

2. Cottages; its the fairy tale persona that takes over.

3. The cast of Vampire Diaries; not the show itself, just the cast.

4. Romeo and Juliet.

5. Plitvicka Jezera, Croatia.

6. Part of my heart is in Africa.

7. High heels.
8. Libraries.

9. Feathers.

10. Cheesy pictures.
11. Dancing.

12. Old libraries.

13. Unique hair colors.

14. Cupcakes; your own personal cake.

15. Good parents with tattoos.

17. Feeling so awake at night.

18. People who believe in the sanctity of life.

19. Old buildings.

20. Tea; not green tea but any other kind of tea, hot or cold.

21. Pondering.

22. Airports; traveling.
23. Remember Me.