November 4, 2011 the day to remember Brielle Grace

Our adventure started on October 1st... well technically it started two weeks prior but we will skip those details. October 1st I decided to pee on a stick. Partially for fun because almost no on gets pregnant the first time (even though with did with Riley) but partially because I had a gut feeling.

The first came back faint but a clear positive. The following day it came back a bit darker and the third it came back much darker. We were absolutely thrilled! We calculated that the baby would be due June 8, 2012, perfect timing for the summer. "Our RAINBOW baby is on his or her way!"

and the adventure begins!

Babies flooded our lives as we started to plan and share the news with our family. I wanted this to be our rainbow baby so bad. I was a bit fearful because of losing Riley just a few months prior but I truly thought this would be our first bring home baby. I jumped on Baby Center and started to chat with other Due in June Mommas. Symptoms, emotions and gory questions. We quickly made our first obgyn appointment at about seven weeks. Excitement couldn't even begin to describe our feelings.

Six Weeks

 Momma Author was feeling great. I was nauseous, headaches, leg cramps, sore boobs, I had the whole nine yards and was loving it. I never minded pregnancy symptoms because it was just a reminder that Baby Bug was there. This kind of "sickness" I just couldn't bring myself to complain about because it was such a blessing to be pregnant again. I cannot completely describe the emotions behind this. I felt like the sun was starting to rise after an eternity of night. It made my eyes ache and I couldn't believe how blessed we were.

We decided to announce it to our families on Thanksgiving because the baby would be about twelve weeks by then. I was planning for Christmas and maternity shopping for a dress for my cousins wedding on December 30th. I spent much of my day thanking God for my Riley and my growing Junebug baby.

First ultrasound of bug

We went through our first doctors appointment and everything looked great! I spent that day on cloud nine. However the following day I spotted a bit and panicked. My mom took me to the ER just to make sure that everything was looking okay. The bleeding had stopped but we wanted to make sure. The ER NP told me that we were measuring a bit small for seven weeks but my HCG was good and everything else looked okay. I had ketones in my urine so they said the spotting was most likely from being dehydrated. The doctor put me on bed rest and sent me home.

We felt better because my HCG was good. With Riley my HCG had already began to crash when we went to the ER. I had hope that God would take care of this rainbow baby. We cried and prayed for days until my next doctors appointment. I saw a different doctor than my regular obgyn but she seemed really hopeful. She had a student shadowing her and the student agreed that it looked like I was just earlier than we thought I was and that everything would be okay. I was put on a rotating carb and protein every two hours. I was supposed to drink 3/4 of a gallon to a whole gallon a day. They said that I wasn't gaining weight because the baby was sucking up all my nutrients. I gladly changed my diet and started to eat around the clock. My weight didn't change much but I started to feel better. I felt confidant that things would be better.

Seven weeks

Taken from a previous post (this is too hard for me to retell):
I was on bed rest until Friday and that was horrible to just sit there and lay there all day with nothing to do but think about Bug. My heart was breaking out of fear that we would lose Bug the same way that we lost Riley. I kept thinking about my first baby and looking at his memory box and crying. I wanted Bug to be my rainbow baby so bad. Andrew wanted this to be our earthly baby  so bad. Andrew took care of me for those days. I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a good thing he was there because I could not have survived those days if it wasn't for him taking care of me. I am forever grateful to my amazing husband, the father of my two babies. Friday morning came and Andrew took me to my doctors appointment. The doctor told me that it was unlikely that we would be able to see the baby let alone a heartbeat because of all the bleeding. The tech told me that it would probably look the same as the ultrasound at the ER.  

The tech started doing an ultrasound and immediately stopped. She said, "I saw a fetal pole, we will do an internal to try to catch the heartbeat." I was floored. I started sobbing on the bed and she thought I was choking. I saw on the screen that Bug was there and she said she thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but it wasn't steady so she couldn't count the beats. She said, "yup, you are probably just earlier than we thought!" She took lots of pictures but Bug kept hiding. I was so excited to see our little baby. At the ER they wont let you see the ultrasound because its an emergency ultrasound so this was the first time we saw our baby. The gestational sack was small but the yolk sac was good size and Bug was there. The baby kept hiding behind the yolk sac and she couldn't get the machine to hold still but we still saw Bug! My heart soared that we finally were able to see our second child. I felt better about the pregnancy. This was a miracle because we never even had a picture of Riley. The only ultrasound we had was the one at the ER. This time we have pictures of the Baby even after the doctor said we probably wont be able to see a heartbeat we saw the flicker! A little miracle we are forever thankful for.

That was until two days later I started bleeding really heavily. TMI: I started clotting and this is what scares me the most. Many pregnancies bleed, in fact about 30-40% of women spot at least once during the first trimester. I am still bleeding and clotting at the moment. We have an ultrasound this Friday, November 4th, to see if the baby is still there or the baby has already passed on. I will be 9 weeks this Friday. The doctor told us that the baby has about a 1% chance of surviving because of the low HCG levels, Bug was measuring small and didn't have a steady heartbeat at 8 weeks."

Nine weeks

We had our appointment yesterday the 4th and find out that the baby's heart had already stopped. Nine weeks to the day we found out our baby had passed away. We kind of knew it was coming but it didn't make the blow any easier.

On the ultrasound it showed that the baby was still in my womb. With the amount of blood that has been passing the doctor thought the baby should have passed already. She is now worried about infection. The doctor offered me a surgical D&C which I turned down and Cytotec. Cytotec is the brand name of misoprostol. Misoprostol is an abortion drug. I bawled when she said "cytotec" because that is the drug they give you to start a chemical abortion. I know if I would take it that it wouldn't be aborting my baby but I just could not bring myself to take the same drug that women used to kill their children. As all of you know I am strongly pro-life and so just the idea of using the same drug makes me sick to my stomach. I have no problem with people having a D&C or taking cytotec if the baby has already passed away but I just can't do it. It is not for me.

So now all I can do is wait and pray that my body handles this on its own without medical intervention. Riley's sack had already collapsed and was passing by the time I was at the ER with him. This time the doctor told me that it could take two weeks for the baby to pass and the bleeding to stop. She warned me that a small percentage of women can bleed for a month. I am praying that God heals me quickly.

Andrew and I talked about it for a while and decided to name the baby. I wanted a name that started with a "b" because we had nicknamed the baby "Bug" short for Junebug. I was laying in bed one night and the name Brielle popped into my head. I grabbed the baby name book we had bought to look at names and Brielle wasn't in there. Google came up with the name (what would we do without google). Brielle means "Heroine of the Lord" and comes from the masculine name Gabriel (the angel).

So we decided to name the baby we wanted to dearly:

Brielle Grace Hudgins

Grace because we fell into God's grace even when we were so angry with Him for taking our second child. I was very angry but now I am just numb. I have no idea why God would take two of my children away from us but it is in His plan. I just dwell on the fact that we will all have eternity together in heaven. Two Glory babies are waiting for us there, only that idea keeps me going.

The Face of Jesus

I've seen the face of Jesus this week. No I haven't died or gone mad. I have seen him in the faces of all the people I see everday. Sometimes when kids are coming into my office three and four times a day my human mind gets annoyed and tired of these pointless complaints. It hard to not just send these kids back to class and ignore them because I know that there is nothing wrong with them. I have truly sick and hurt kids come to me everyday. Throwing up, bleeding, poopy pants, wet pants, head aches, fevers, broken bones, you name it I have seen it here. Those kids I have no problem stooping low to help. The back ache doesnt effect me then. Its when the same child comes down for the tenth time this week for a paper cut and I just want to snap. Or when there are staff and teachers that want me to do silly things like call mom and dad because little Jane Doe doenst want to sit still in class or when teachers expect me to finish my paperwork all the same day the hand it to me. Its times like these I have to honestly try.

"They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’" -Matthew 25:44-45

What if one of those kiddoes were Jesus? Would I turn him away even for the smallest scratch? Of course not I would be catering to him making sure he was taken care of. Perhaps I should view these people in the same way? If Jesus wanted my to just sit and talk for a few moments about what they had for lunch, wouldnt I treasure every moment? This is how I try to view people I come in contact with.

The grumpy cashier that doesnt say a word and gives you the wrong change. Love them like Jesus and say a few kind words. The little kid that wants to sit here because its hot outside. Love them like Jesus and let him sit. The parent that wants to yell at me because I am asking them to pick up their kid. Love them like Jesus and show them patience. Love her like Jesus and offer a kind smile or sweet encouragement. The teacher that emails me for the third time asking when I will have such-and-such paper work done. Love them like Jesus. The person begging for money on the corner. Love them like Jesus. The frustrated mom with screaming kids. The person who cuts out in front of you at the checkout line. Love them like Jesus. The chatty person that wont stop talking even though you have attempted to politely leave twice. Love them like Jesus. Just love on everyone the way Jesus would.

He listens to all my petty complaints, he counts every single one of my silly tears and my painful tears. He sits with me when times are rough or even when I am bored and seeking attention. He helps me even when he knows I can do it myself, and carries me when he knows I cant. He sees me so I need to see him. I see him in the faces of all the people around me.

Waiting on You Lord...

...its not easy but faithfully I will wait.

I miss you so much right now that it hurts. My head aches and my eyes mist over as I think about bringing you home someday.
Always know that I have loved you since the beginning of time and I will do whatever it takes to bring you home.

My husband and I have been planning to adopt for what seems like forever. We are waiting on the Lord to tell us when the time is right. We are only coming up on our first wedding anniversary and our four year anniversary so we know we are still young in life. We are trying to live in obedience and let him take control. I know I have slipped and I am thankful for a God who is full of grace because he has blessed me so much that I know I do not deserve.

My kids may not have even been born or conceived yet but I dream about them. I wonder what they look like. Will they have brown curly hair and a big grin? Will they have frizzy red hair with doe like blue eyes? Will they be hazel eyed with coffee colored skin? Will they be short or tall, I think they will be just right. I wonder what their personality will be like. Will they be a little spitfire like their momma or will they be calm and collected like their dad? Will they love sports or books or both? Will they love to talk your ear off or will they love to listen? Will they love to dance and sing or will they love to tend to a garden? Will they love to travel the world or stay at home? I know whatever child the Lord places in our arms they will be perfect.

I try to be as patient as I can but my heart just aches thinking that the birth mother of my child is out there right now. She is living and breathing and all I can do is hope and pray that she is okay. I ask the Lord to take care of her and keep her under his wing. I know giving us such a blessing will cause her heartache so I beg the Lord to give her strength and love. I pray that she is taken care of and loved. I pray she knows the love of Jesus and someday we will get to meet. I wish I had the opportunity to give her a hug and thank her for all she is about to do. I want her to know that she is beautiful and she is strong. I want her to know the Lord made her in his image and that she is amazing. I want her to know that the Lord created her to be treasured and that she is mighty. I just pray that while we are both waiting to see what the future brings us that she knows I am praying for her.
I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve and I worship and I pray and I cry and I love and I hope and I serve until it is time for my children to come home.

When my heart starts to ache and I grow impatient I put on the song "While Im Waiting" by John Waller and I just pour my heart out to the Lord. He gives me strength when I am weak. He comforts me when I am scared. He builds me up when I feel like my heart is collapsing beneath me. Whatever he has in store it must be amazing because this plan he is creating feels like it is taking a long time. There goes my impatience again (lol). I just pray for peace to fill my heart.
He is control and that is all I need to know.

Something I Think About All the Time

I think about the life my children will live before they meet me. Perhaps it is only a few weeks or a few months, worst case is a few years. I dont want them to be without their mum and dad for even a minute but I trust in the Lord to keep them safe. I pray for the birth mother of my children and I hope the Lord blesses her greatly. I think about how she may be living now. Africa isnt a very easy place to live in at all. We take so much for granted here in the states. I know she is alive out there somewhere and I hope the Lord protects her. She is a hero in my eyes.
Some facts about the country one or more of my kids will come from:

AFRICA
www.africaguide.com

Health:

Malaria
90% of all malaria cases are in sub-Saharan Africa
3,000 children under the age of five die each day from malaria in Africa
1-5% of GDP in Africa covers costs of malaria control and lost labour days

Did you know, that Africa would have been an estimated US $100 billion better off in 1999 if malaria had been eliminated years ago?

Aids
17 million people in sub-Saharan Africa have died of AIDS

At least 25 million people in Africa are HIV-positive.

12 million children who have lost their parents to AIDS face a precarious future.

Hospitals
The world's biggest hospital is in Soweto.

Language:

Kiswahili

The word "Crossword" in Kiswahili is "chemshebongo" which, when translated, means "boil brains".

In East & Central Africa the British Army was still remembered. One regiment was known in Kiswahili as "Magi Bareedi Askari", translated this is "Water Cold Soldiers" or in other words the "Cold Stream Guards".
(supplied by Simon Vivian)

Land:

Largest Country
Sudan, Republic of, republic in north-eastern Africa, the largest country of the African continent. Sudan has a total area of 2,505,800 sq km (967,490 sq mi).

Smallest Country
The smallest African country is The Seychelles covering an area of 453 sq km but Gambia is the smallest of the mainland African states, covering an area of 11,300 sq km (4,363 sq mi).

Largest City
Egypt's capital city, Cairo, is the largest city in Africa with an estimated 9.2 million population

Highest Point
Mount Kilimanjaro - Uhuru Point - (5895m/19,340 ft) in Tanzania

Lowest Point
the lowest is Lake 'Asal (153 m/502 ft below sea level) in Djibouti

Northernmost tip
is Cape Blanc (Ra's al Abyad;) in Tunisia

Southernmost tip
is Cape Agulhas in South Africa