Big News

As a mother I take comfort in looking at the old ultrasounds. We have one framed next to our TV of the baby we just lost. I always thought something looked different in the earlier ultrasounds than the newer ones but I could only guess what it was. Neither Andrew or I was good at reading ultrasounds but I always thought something was different. I thought I saw two sacs. Maybe it was just a bad picture or something I told myself. I haven't been at peace with it though and so I called my doctor. I just wanted answers about my baby.

Well after two hours of fighting to get someone to talk to I ended up talking to a triage nurse who, of course, said she couldn't read ultrasounds. I was upset because no one could answer my question. I was going to ask my doctor on Wednesday at our last followup appointment but I was too distraught when she started talking about tests we had options of doing to find out why we have miscarried two pregnanies.

We had a district wide health office meeting yesterday and I decided to ask one of the nurses there that I knew had been a L&D nurse for about 15 years. I hoped that of al people she would be the one to help me read an ultrasound... well, as soon as she saw the first picture she said, "That is two sacs, it would have been twins." Immediatly a huge sense of peace rushed over me. That was the information I was missing to be at peace with everything. I honestly felt like Christmas had come early. I felt at peace with everything that had happened and it was like the last puzzle piece slipped into place. With all the wondering and questions I had I never felt at peace with what happened and now knowing that there were TWINS, my heart knew that God was still blessing me even in valley.

So we are proud to say that we had twins!  I had her mark the pictures for me and she said Baby B is always smaller than Baby A. Once you see this ultrasound marked you can clearly see that there were two babies (momma knows).

Andrew and I talked about names but because I picked Brielle's name I wanted him to name our surprise twin. We knew that they were identical twins because they were in the same sac so we needed another girl name. I fell asleep while he searched all night for the perfect name for our surprise twin.

We are proud to introduce Brielle's twin:

Maia Hope Hudgins

Maia is Hebrew and it means "close to God" and she gave her momma hope in the darkest of times. She is a little light of joy that we needed to know that God is still near us. She will share a '"birthday" (November 7th, 2011) and memorial day with her twin, which is November 4th, 2011.

God is good. Even in the hardest of times when we rely on Him he will continue to bless us. He is the Alpha and Omega, the begining and the end. He was there at conception and we saw His face when we saw those two pink lines and we need to see his face even when those babies returned to heaven. Heaven is even more sweeter with our twins there.

Tough Stuff

Updated: 12/05/11

A few years ago I thought I wanted to be a CNA (certified nursing assistant). I took the courses I needed and did my hours in an assisted living facility. I really loved it there and came to adore many of the people. This isn't about all the stories I have to tell about that place -which I have many- but of one lady there. One lady that confused my whole world. I wish I could remember her name but I can't. I can picture her face though. Curly hair and a funny demanding voice. That isn't what made her unique. What made her special was that she carried around a baby doll.

Yes, she was probably in her 60's or 70's and carried around a little doll. She said that this was her little boy and truly believed it. Some of the CNA's and nurses played along while others made fun of her for it and a few just ignored it all together. Some even decided that it was unhealthy and wanted to take the doll away. This lady had clothes for the baby doll and wore him in a carrier. She refused to do anything unless her baby was in the room with her. Even when she showered she had to have him right outside the shower to know that he was safe.

Never quite understanding where she came from I am sad to say I ignored it. I thought she was strange and didn't understand. I adored this lady and loved talking to her but I didn't understand why she would want to pretend this doll was her son. One nurse was especially kind to her and helped her bathe her baby in the sink. I watched both ladies gently wash the babies head and put the tiny clothes back on him. Amazed by how kind the nurse was to the lady everyone thought was crazy I asked her why she helped her. She told me that many years ago in life the lady's baby boy had died and when she had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's she forgot that the baby had died and kept asking for him. She would cry because she thought someone took her son. I believe it was her grown daughter that gave her this baby doll so she would stop crying and sleep through the night. The lady grew to love this baby like it really was her son so she kept him. It soothed her and mended her heart. It was that baby doll that helped her live.

Strange thing is I never truly understood why she could think the baby doll was real. Why she would want to live a "lie" and why would her family be okay with it. After losing Riley in May and the twins my arms truly ache wanting to hold a baby. Just any baby to hold and rock them for a moment to pretent that my babies are safe in my arms. To close my eyes and pretend for a moment that my heart isn't broken and life didn't turn out this way. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't heal my broken heart.

I may get some flack for this but I can understand why she wanted and needed the baby doll. In a moment of frustration and sadness a few nights ago I stuffed a pillow under my pajama shirt just to see what I would look like right now if I was still pregnant with Riley. I broke down in tears feeling crazy and missing something that never was. Half of me is embarassed to tell something so personal and the other half just wants to be honest with people. I don't allow myself to have these "crazy moments" often but they do happen. The heart ache of not having your baby in your arms is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. If pretending is what kept her going in her old age then I don't see a problem with it.

People look at me like I am crazy because I named my "miscarriages." I probably get made fun of like the lady with the baby doll. There are people who support me and people that make fun of me and mostly people that ignore me. That is okay with me. Naming my babies, yes they were real living itty-bitty babies, is what has helped me heal. When I can refer to them by name it helps my heart a little bit. It is the moment of confirmation that my babies were real. When months and years go by and people forget that they were ever here, I will always remember. I will always remember my first three babies, no matter how little they were. If you ever remember my babies just let me know. I promise that hearing their name will not make me sad, it will make me feel better because it is terribly hard to be a mother when you have no baby in your arms.

How can the same sound bring so much joy and so much pain, to the same heart,

in the same breathe?

A newborn’s cry. A toddler’s laugh. A mother’s scold.

Empty arms ache at the sound

Joy for you, with you

Pain for me, hope deferred, desire denied

 

The empty arms of a barren womb

Empty arms that laid Baby in a grave

Empty arms of life lost before it began...

Empty arms of choiceless singleness

 

You grumble about the kids you’ve got

I weep inside for the child I’ve lost

I distance myself, from you, from hurt

Hating myself, wishing I could give more

Plastered fake smile pains face and heart

I keep silent, believing you wouldn’t understand

The pain, the joy, the desire, the grief

 

Am I the only one that struggles this way?

Does anyone know the volatile emotions I hide?

Will the grief, the longing, the pain ever end?

Where can I find healing, wholeness, hope?

 

There at the cross of Jesus Christ

I see arms stretched out, open wide

Empty arms

Empty arms like mine

 

Empty arms offering comfort in grief

Empty arms providing forgiveness for sin

Empty arms bringing healing and wholeness

Empty arms with power to unlock the womb

Empty arms giving love for loneliness, hope, joy, peace

Empty arms exchanging death for life

 

Christ’s empty arms are open to you

To fill your empty arms.

--unknown

Winter

If you don't already know, winter is my favorite season. Seriously, I love everything about winter. The slow music cuddling on the couch with a book and hot chocolate or in my case, tea. Lovely, wonderful, hot tea. Scarves are pretty much my favorite clothing item, not accessory but clothing item. I would have shelves of the if I was rich. I love the cold weather and seeing my breath. Being all bundled up to go to the store and saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" and right after "Merry Christmas!" I love saying it so much sometimes even after Christmas I still say it because I forget it already happened. Forget the gifts I love The Reason for the season (more like The Reason for everything). I love seeing family over and over and over again. I think they must be sick of me by January. I love visiting the snow (Thanking God I don't live in it). Sleeping with the windows open at night... amazing, especially when you get to wake up next to a handsome personal heater.

This season will be extremely hard this year though... Riley's original due date was just a few days after Christmas, December 27th, my supposed-to-be Christmas baby. Brielle would have been twelve weeks this Friday and we were going to announce the pregnancy at Thanksgiving, my little Junebug. This is the first holiday season without our babies. As of today we are a family of four but only two are on earth. I ache wanting them here with me but I am grateful that they are able to be in heaven with Jesus. I am trying to lay my own feelings aside and accepting what is best for my babies.

It means that there is one more Christmas that I don't have my babies in my arms... My kiddos from across the ocean are still without me and it makes my heart hurt. All of my children are so far. Some are across the ocean and some are in heaven. I feel like pieces of me are missing and right now there isn't much I can do about it. Jesus has been doing a work on my heart, bringing a sense of peace I didn't know was possible. I feel internally at peace but at the same time he is building a fire inside that is burning brighter everday. When I figure out what this fire is burning for I know I will feel more complete. Missing pieces of the puzzle coming together.

 Making myself smile by taking a Christmas survey:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Tea :)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa is my grandpa so Mrs. Clause and he wraps them.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White, almost all of our decorations are all white snow and silver colored.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope, there might be nargles in them.

5. When do you put your decorations up? I wanted to do it this past weekend but it was to early, so probably the weekend after Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? I love dark meat turkey, green beans with onions, and homemade mashed potatoes.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Christmas was always amazing when you grew up with Sanda as your grandpa.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I grew up knowing Santa wasn't really real but that he was related to me... strange upbringing haha

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Only if it was the time we were celebrating with part of my family.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? We have an "ornament of the year" which stands for something. Last year it was a carved giraffe and this year we have two. Riley's is a little lion and Brielle's is an angel.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I love to visit it :)

12. Can you ice skate? Psh, no way. Do you know how clumsy I am?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I have always liked all of them.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Jesus, family and friends.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pie and coffee.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Hanging out in our PJ's at my parents house eating breakfast before opening presents.

17. What tops your tree? Nothing haha

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Giving. I would much rather do Operation Christmas Child or Angel Tree or Doves than recieve presents.

19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Yum!

20. Favorite Christmas show? I don't think I have one.

21. Saddest Christmas Song? Christmas Shoes

22. What is your favorite Christmas song? Anything about The Reason!

"Birthday"

Brielle Grace

"born" into the arms of Jesus on 11/07/11 at 9:14pm
at nine weeks three days.

Rememberance date is 11/04/11;
the day the doctor confirmed her heart had stopped.

Another Heartbreak or a Miracle?

I always thought when I finally posted this subject that it would be with joy and anticipation. I have spoken of this once before and it was of pure heartbreak and I am afraid I have to say that this time it is in probable heartbreak again. October 1st we found out that we are having a baby! The baby is due June 8th of 2012. We decided to nickname the baby Bug because he or she was due in June and therefore was our little Junebug. We were overjoyed. Andrew was so excited and he started to plan everything. He prayed for Bug everyday and was a true Man-of-God. He treated me like a queen and he was my backbone. Words  couldn't even describe how happy we were. We wanted to tell the whole world our news, "Our RAINBOW baby is on his or her way!" We hoped this was God blessing us. One glory baby and one earthly baby.

A week and a half ago my mom took me to the ER because I started spotting. My doctor said this is very common but because I was seven weeks she wanted to get me checked out. The blood work came back okay with solid HCG levels. We went in for the ultrasound and found out Bug wasn't growing properly. Bug was too small to be seven weeks. The ER NP told me that I may miscarry because Bug is too small or I may just be a week or two earlier than we thought.

I cried all the way home because I thought we would lose our second baby, our little Junebug. I have one baby that went straight from womb to heaven and I was not ready to let my second baby go. I sobbed and I begged God to save this baby. I offered my life instead. It sounds odd but I was trying to barter with God saying that if he let this baby be born and healthy I would gladly give my life up for my baby. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. At this time the bleeding stopped and I had hope. The ER NP put me on bed rest for the rest of the weekend and gave me the rest of the week of bed rest if I started bleeding again. We continued to pray.

Andrew and I cried together and prayed together. We spent the entire night praying and crying. Clinging to the hope that God promises to take care of his children. He said that if you ask you will received and so we asked and asked and begged him to let us keep this child. To heal this baby and heal my body so it could take care of the baby. Andrew was my prayer warrior and just held me as I cried.

I made a doctors appointment for Monday as a follow up. They had me do more blood work. I saw a different doctor than my regular obgyn but she seemed really hopeful. She had a student shadowing her and the student agreed that it looked like I was just earlier than we thought I was and that everything would be okay. They did notice my urine test was off and had ketones so they had me chance my diet. I was on a rotating carb and protein every two hours. I was supposed to drink 3/4 of a gallon to a whole gallon a day. They said that I was losing weight because the baby was sucking up all my nutrients. I gladly changed my died and started to eat around the clock. My weight didn't change much but I started to feel better. I felt confidant that things would be better.

 I stayed home through Monday and went back to work Tuesday and Wednesday. Pelvic rest, not to be on my feet longer than 15 minutes at a time, no lifting anything heavier than 7lbs, eating around the clock still and I had to agree to go straight home if more bleeding started. Wednesday afternoon I started spotting again and went home. I called my doc and made another appointment, earlier than the one I already had scheduled.

I was on bed rest until Friday and that was horrible to just sit there and lay there all day with nothing to do but think about Bug. My heart was breaking out of fear that we would lose Bug the same way that we lost Riley. I kept thinking about my first baby and looking at his memory box and crying. I wanted Bug to be my rainbow baby so bad. Andrew wanted this to be our earthly baby  so bad. Andrew took care of me for those days. I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a good thing he was there because I could not have survived those days if it wasn't for him taking care of me. I am forever grateful to my amazing husband, the father of my two babies. Friday morning came and Andrew took me to my doctors appointment. The doctor told me that it was unlikely that we would be able to see the baby let alone a heartbeat because of all the bleeding. The tech told me that it would probably look the same as the ultrasound at the ER.  

The tech started doing an ultrasound and immediately stopped. She said, "I saw a fetal pole, we will do an internal to try to catch the heartbeat." I was floored. I started sobbing on the bed and she thought I was choking. I saw on the screen that Bug was there and she said she thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but it wasn't steady so she couldn't count the beats. She said, "yup, you are probably just earlier than we thought!" She took lots of pictures but Bug kept hiding. I was so excited to see our little baby. At the ER they wont let you see the ultrasound because its an emergency ultrasound so this was the first time we saw our baby. The gestational sack was small but the yolk sac was good size and Bug was there. The baby kept hiding behind the yolk sac and she couldn't get the machine to hold still but we still saw Bug! My heart soared that we finally were able to see our second child. I felt better about the pregnancy. This was a miracle because we never even had a picture of Riley. The only ultrasound we had was the one at the ER. This time we have pictures of the Baby even after the doctor said we probably wont be able to see a heartbeat we saw the flicker! A little miracle we are forever thankful for.

That was until two days later I started bleeding really heavily. TMI: I started clotting and this is what scares me the most. Many pregnancies bleed, in fact about 30-40% of women spot at least once during the first trimester. I am still bleeding and clotting at the moment. We have an ultrasound this Friday, November 4th, to see if the baby is still there or the baby has already passed on. I will be 9 weeks this Friday. The doctor told us that the baby has about a 1% chance of surviving because of the low HCG levels, Bug was measuring small and didn't have a steady heartbeat at 8 weeks.

We are all praying that a miracle is in Gods will and this baby will be our first earthly baby. I have spent much time being depressed, sad, angry, frustrated, more anger, and everything there is. I have spent hours in prayer begging God for this child. Now all we can do is wait to see if Bug is in His will or if we will have another Glory Baby.

Just waiting and praying for a miracle...

Pearls...

Sometimes God sends little reminders that He has everything planned out.

I had one of those reminders today.

My heart was moved.

The Creator of the universe loves me enough to do something in my little life to remind me that He does love me and has a plan for me.

Unproductive

Much of the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. Thus I have been not very productive and haven't gotten as much done as I should have... I guess I just have to accept we all have days like that.

I was reminded by email from babycenter that I would be due in about 70 days. My belly should be nice and round 30 weeks pregnant but its not. I am still learning to accept this life without Riley. It has its ups and downs like everything else in life. I stare at the memory box we have and just remember that Riley is in heaven. Hanging out on the streets of gold, chatting it away with Jesus. I just know he is a chatter box like his momma; although I am much less talkative than I used to be. I keep to myself more. God is now my support, the only way I get through the day is through his strength. God has blessed us in many ways. I know he works all things together for good but it doesn't mean I still don't miss my first baby. Riley will always be my first and will hold that place in my heart. Our next baby will hopefully be our first born baby and has a new place in my heart.

I was forgot that my registry for Riley is still up on the Target website. Of course I couldn't not go look at it again once I remembered. There were only three or four things on there but it still hit me hard. Seeing the car seat we would be buying soon was hard. Seeing the green cloth diapers I picked out was even harder because there would be no little tushy to fill those this winter. No cute baby winter clothes.

No warm blankets made for cuddling cute baby.
No big fat belly at Christmas time hoping I don't pop until after my cousins wedding which is on December 30th. No big maternity dresses because I would feel like I was the size of the house. No aching bones and surely no baby kicks on Christmas morning.
Its hard sometimes because I want those things back, as in right now. Half of me wants to be 30 weeks pregnant right now and glowing. the other part of me is accepting that God sometimes has other plans than we imagined. God has chosen us to be blessed in another way but it doesn't mean I still don't mourn my first baby. 

God is Faithful

Even when I start to doubt I need to remember that God is faithful and he has a plan for my life. Some days are harder than others but in the end He is faithful.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."
Deuteronomy 7:9

Andrew and I have bought plane tickets to spend Christmas in Maryland with his family. We haven't been to Maryland in three years and haven't seen any of his friends and family and this time we get to spend ten days there! We are so excited to be able to visit friends and family over the holiday. It will be bittersweet because while we are there we will be celebrating Riley's due date. He was supposed to be a Christmas baby and this is the first Christmas that I will spend without him. December 27th is going to be really hard for me. That was the due date the doctor told us we may be holding our baby in our arms. Instead though Jesus is holding him for me. We are really praying that we have good news to share on Christmas day but we are just waiting for Gods plan in all of this.

We may be out the running for a mayflower but that doesn't mean I will stop praying for a cute little junebug or a fireworkbaby or a summerbaby or a saphirebaby or pumpkinbaby or whatever God has instore for us to bring home though. Sometimes its hard to trust when you have no idea what is going on. I just have faith that He can see the big picture. I know He has a purpose for all of this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Anyways we are still really happy and excited that we are going to go visit his family. We miss them a lot and it is a totally Gods blessing that we are able to go this year. He has provided us with so much its impossible to not be thankful. We are hoping for a white Christmas because I have never seen snow on Christmas before. We do live in Arizona where all you need is a sweater in the middle of winter. What a beautiful day it would be to have powder snow on the ground, family and friends all around and a great surprise to tell everyone. Even if we have no surprise to share we will be amazingly blessed to have this opportunity.

I am already in the Christmas spirit! I am wanting to wear sweaters and scarves. Excited to go to Maryland I want to pack already, I am one of those strange people that LOVE to pack. I really really love it. I am ready for snow and cold weather. I am ready to celebrate the birth of my Savior with my family. It is one of my favorite times of the year. God is good through all the storms, I am hoping and praying it is time for my rainbow.

When You Call He Will Answer

I'm sitting here trying not to cry. I feel like my heart is about to explode with gratitude and I want to dance and sing and worship him right now. I can't do that at the moment because I am trying to whip this out really fast because I am at work (so please ignore the spelling and grammatical errors).

God has a plan for each of us in our lives. He works all things together for good. That doesn't mean there wont be struggle or pain but all things will be for His glory. When we strive to be more like Him and have a relationship with Him things in life WILL change. We have to be willing to get on our hands and knees to scrub a little harder with a little extra elbow grease and have the faith that everything will turn out according to his plan. We have to be willing to MOVE. Well, this week I moved and trusted that He would take care of everything.

"For they all made us afraid, saying, Their hands shall be weakened from the work, that it be not done. Now therefore, O God, strengthen my hands." Nehemiah 6:9

Well, He did take care of everything. I asked facebook friends to pray for this little boy that I knew. I couldn't give any details about the situation but I just asked them to pray. Those prayers were answered in a humbling and beautiful way. Our Daddy takes care of His children. I am so moved that things happened so fast and that prayers were answered with an outstanding Yes! All for His Glory. I am just in awe of how things are working. I am such a Peter, I doubt and I fret and I worry and and I panic and I stress and here He is taking it all under control once again. It is just another thing that goes to show how active He is and how prayer is a relationship builder. This situation could NOT have been resolved if it wasn't for Him because no man could fix this problem.

"And he said unto them, Cast the net on the right side of the ship, and ye shall find. They cast therefore, and now they were not able to draw it for the multitude of fishes." John 21:6

Don't tell God how big your problems are; tell your problems how big your God is.

The reason

When I start to get depressed and missing Riley takes over my life God sends me little reminders that I am not alone. I hope that one day God will bless us with one biological child to keep. We have always known we will adopt at least two but we had hoped we would be able to have one biological. I have come to terms that may never happen. My selfish heart still hopes that it does but I have faith that no matter the circumstances God will bless us. I miss my adoptive children just as much as I miss Riley. They are far away from me right now, just as Riley is. I will be with them someday, just as I will be with Riley. It still hurts a bit more because Riley was already here and in my life when I had to say goodbye.

Today I had a reminder that when a baby dies it doesn't just affect the parents. On Friday was a little boy who came into my office complaining of a headache. He was sitting there in the corner of the room sipping water while I was helping other children. This little boy then started to cry. I asked him if his head hurt that bad and he said no his heart hurt. I asked him, "you  mean like chest pains?" He said no he was missing his niece. I asked, "Oh, well where is she?"

"In heaven."

Those two words broke my heart. He shared his story with me. His sister and her husband were expecting a little girl but at about 18 weeks they lost the baby. He said he missed her so much and he was worried that in heaven no one would be there to teach her to walk and talk because her whole family was still here. He didn't want her to be crying because she missed her mommy and daddy so much. He was worried that she would forget about him. He asked me if I knew anyone in heaven that would take care of her until he could get there in one-hundred years when he dies. I said of course I do. I said my son Riley is there too. He said he knows who Jesus is and Jesus loves him so then he would love her too! He said Jesus will take care of the babies until we get there.

I agree. Until I get there and even after that He will take care of all of us. Forever and ever.

"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
~Unknown









Momma misses you so much Riley. Jesus knows I miss my babies all over the world.
Love, Momma

The Law

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." Matthew 5:17

Jesus fulfilled the law. The end.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

Yesterday

Four months ago yesterday. It was in the afternoon. In that horrid bathroom. Four months ago I lost Riley.
Four months... that means I would have been over five and a half months.

He would have been about eight inches long and over one pound.
He might have had hair, or if he took after me he would be bald. ;)
He would be old enough to hear my voice.
He would have been able to clench his fists and wiggle his fingers.
His fingerprints are only his.
I would have been feeling his hiccups and he would be able to smile.
I would have had a baby belly and feeling his kicks. 
I probably would have had an itchy growing belly and the start of backaches.

My belly would have looked close to this... (of course this isn't my picture; google).

Yea, as you can tell I am a bit bummed right now. Prayer is the only thing helping me keep my sanity. I know God has a plan for all of this but right now I just need a hug or something. Would love to go get myself a big piece of chocolate cake but I cant eat bleached flower because of a new "diet" the doctor has me on to help with my digestion issues. Its harder when it comes close to the third of the month, every month because that is the day I lost him. When the EDD comes up at the end of this year I have no idea what it will be like. I am dreading it in a way because it will be one more reminder of 'what isn't.' I keep looking up pregnancy information of how it would be if I was five and a half months pregnant. That is where that picture came from... I need to stop but being home alone doesn't help. Sigh.

I miss him. I miss him a lot.

This week I had quite a few of my friends with a status that read "___ weeks and craving ___." When I first read this I panicked. It made my heart hurt that even more of my friends were pregnant. I felt a wave of emotions that I feel every time someone announces their pregnancy. It hurt. I later got the message that explained it all. It was just a "game" where the month and day of your birthday is a category of weeks and food cravings based on the list in the message. Meaning since I was born May 4th I would have put "6 weeks and craving M&M's." I wanted to puke when I learned it was just a "game." Other mums-of-loss felt the same way. It hurt us that people would joke about pregnancy when we all were either TTC or cant get pregnant or their loss was recent. Pregnancy is not a joke and the topic is sensitive for many women.

Four month anniversary of losing Riley plus this "game" plus seeing "auntie flow" has really set me on edge yesterday and today. I'm forever thankful for my amazing husband, who seriously has been utterly great lately. I don't know where I would be without him. I know the Lord has plans through this all. He has a reason for everything. I know that my baby boy is in heaven with him right now. Its the only sense of peace I can find in this. God knows how I am feeling and he will never leave me. Thankful.

Peter

I think I am like Peter.

Peter was willing to step out on the ocean to walk on the water but he started sinking because of fear. 
Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:28-31)

Peter was so rash and excited to see Jesus on the land that he jumped out of the boat and swam to land! (probably arriving after the boat too lol)"As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water." (John 21:7)

Peter swore to always follow Jesus and yet he denied Him three times.
"Peter asked, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!" (John 13:37-38)

Peter told Jesus that he will never let him wash his feet and when he heard Christs reply, Peter was a bit melodramatic in the response.
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”  Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”  “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” (John 13:8-9)

Peter is rash and passionate. He lives and loves with a wild abandon...but because of this abandon there are many times he has "open-mouth-insert-foot" moments. I can relate to this. God knows that I am a starter but not always a finisher. He knows I try to be brave but on the inside I am crying like a little girl. I always promise him that I will love Him but I fall on my face many times. I am not always a good example nor someone to be looked up to but I THANK JESUS that he loves me anyways. Even through all of his "oops" moments Jesus still called him the rock and used him to build the church! God uses me even though I am full of mistakes, rash, emotional, dramatic... because He knows my heart.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”   (John 21: 15-19)

If God can do this with Peter, make him the rock of the church. Then why should I be afraid to let Jesus do this with me? He knows I am willing because I surely would be the first one to step out of the boat but only with him will I be able to actually walk. I want to trust Jesus with my ALL. I want to be the one he uses to bring Him glory. I want to reflect all of his goodness and majesty. I want to live flat on my faith in obediance and reverence for the Lord. I want to love the way Jesus loved; endlessly and unconditionally. The only thing that holds me back is fear. Fear that I am not good enough, that I cant do it, that we wont have the money to do it, that I am to ugly to do it (hey, I am honest here), that I...I...I...I... point taken. I need to stop saying "I" and start saying HIM. I shouldnt be telling God how big my problems are; I should be telling my problems how BIG my God is!

New moto: Fear freezes, faith frees.

A Compelling Message for Teen Abstinence

Society has been conned into believing that sex is casual and that princesses and princes do not exist. It has come to believe that things are not special and we are nothing but animals. I think this is one of the most appalling and sad things that has happened in society. I read an article on voicesforlife.net titled: Wet Mascara - A Compelling Message for Teen Abstinence. This article hit really close to home because personally I believe in abstinence before marriage. This subject is very sensitive for most people, myself included.

The article was written by a girl named Faye who is in high school. She just broke up with her boyfriend whose name was Richard, he was known as one of the cool kids and he was a football player. They broke up because she didn't want to lose her virginity. The article talks about the reasons why she didn't want to lose her virginity. She had many reasons and she called them the chain. She is Catholic so she didn't want to let down her belief. She didn't want to let down her parents. She also wanted a man who was not just a "relationship" but a life long lover. It sounded very logical to me. I loved the article. You could hear the hurt in her voice when she had to let her boyfriend go but she did it because she knew it was the right thing.

This generation has been told to believe that sexual desires cannot be controlled and there is no reason to control it. Many high schoolers lost their virginity between the ages of fourteen and seventeen. When you look back at that age you can see how young and tiny you really were. Most admit that they weren't ready for it and I would bet that they weren't ready for the consequences. AIDS, STDs and pregnancy are just a few. From a one time fling you can catch a disease that will last your lifetime and can even cut your lifetime short. Ask anyone was that one time worth it? I would bet that most would say it wasn't. We are in a sex filled society with shows like The Secret Life of an American Teenager (where it makes it look like every single teenager is having sex), Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries, 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. Ive watched all of these shows many times and even enjoyed quite a few of them. but looking back as a married adult I can see how much those shows infiltrated our society and gets in the minds of girls.

Teenage girls and even young adult women tell me that I don't know what its like because I am married. I think they tend to forget that I am only 22 years old and was a teenager just yesterday. Yes, I remember the pressure to be sexually active or at least "mess around." I did my best to stay abstinent and didn't even kiss a boy until I was seventeen and a half. I cant say I succeeded at my goal but I wish with all my heart that I did. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't get pregnant out of wedlock and didn't get an STD. Even without those consequences I still wish that I would have waited. I wish all girls could hear my story about how real men do exist and something close to a fairy tale can happen. I wish I could tell them all that having sex before you are married can hurt your future husband or wife. I wish this generation wasn't so sex obsessed and knew how precious it is to not sleep with everyone on the football team. I also wish that I could tell every girl in the world that even if you have had sex, you can CHOOSE to not have sex anymore. Just start over. You cant get your virginity back but you can get your pride and purity back. God can fix any wounds we have created.

I love this article so I will post it below. She said it far better than I could ever have said:

The following account from a seventeen-year-old girl who advocates abstinence until marriage is from an issue of Life Issues Institute Newsletter:

"I guess that 2 am on an autumn night is as good a time as any for an emotional breakdown - which is why my pillow is wet and the mascara, so carefully applied to impress you, Richard, is spread across my nose and cheeks. They call it waterproof mascara, but sometimes life's setbacks are just too much even for waterproof mascara. Why don't they market 'loser's mascara' so a teenage girl can get dropped on her head by a football hero and fade out of the picture glamorously.

"We've been dating steadily for three months now. But when you drove off a half-hour ago, your masculine pride wounded, I realized that we were through. You didn't say as much, but I know you won't call again. You did say, 'I've been patient, Faye, but three months is a long time and . . .well, you know.' Sure, three months is a long time to date a girl who doesn't 'put out.' The pressure has been building up slowly as we've become more intimate and more fond of each other. At least you were nice enough to bother with me for three whole months. I mean . . .a virgin and a football player!? Not a very workable combination, is it Richard?

"But I won't be dateless forever. In spite of what people say, there are a lot of guys who will date virgins. After all, I'm only 17 and you're 18. We're not in the compulsory-affair age group yet. And I'm pretty enough to have guys calling me up, Richard. But, I'll admit, they're not superstars like you. Because your jaw is square and you look like Sean Penn, you're charming and witty, and you led the league in rushing last season, you expect a girl to 'put out.' And I know plenty of my girlfriends who would, maybe will, do just that for you.

"But why wouldn't I? It's just not that easy to explain. And sitting in your car a few minutes ago, with your eyes blazing angrily at me, the reasons just fell out of my head like shingles off a roof. And I felt stupid for not wanting to make love. And yet there are many reasons why I am unwilling. You say they're dumb reasons. Well, tonight maybe I think so too, but tomorrow I think maybe they'll seem valid again. 'Is it because I'm Catholic?' you asked. Well, in a way, but that's not the whole reason. Having sex with you tonight would have caused a chain reaction, and now that I'm lying alone in bed, I can see that chain more clearly.

"Why is it that the answers appear only after the argument's over? If I slept with you, I couldn't go to communion on Sunday and, as we go to Mass as a family, that would set my parents worrying, and then what would I tell them? So that's two people that I love who are hurt right off the bat. Plus I'd feel hurt and guilty too.

"I'm no saint, Richard, but I don't want to abandon my faith. I believe in God, and that belief gives my life a very real and sane perspective. But to you who have no religion, for me to say I like being a practicing Catholic, well, that's sort of like saying I like being a chimpanzee - you just wouldn't understand. What other reasons do I have?

"Well, in a way, my generation is shell-shocked. You know the sexual revolution isn't a revolution any longer. It's old hat. Some of us, even at my age, can stand back and observe the outcome before being involved and, frankly, I don't like what I see. If I could look at my friends and family who've been a part of that revolution and say, 'They lived happily ever after,' I might be a convert. I might even now be snuggled in your arms in that warm car, but it's not like that, Richard. I see a great big lack of happiness out there.

"My older sister, Ruth, lived with her boyfriend for twelve months when she was 19, and then it fell apart - his doing, mainly. She was so hurt by it that she warned me never to get caught in the same situation. She really didn't have to warn me. I could see the agony involved, and she wasn't even pregnant. Imagine if she'd been pregnant and been duped. Well, she might have turned into a single parent struggling along trying to juggle a baby and roommates and high rent. Her glamorous single existence would be long gone. But she's still not married, and I think the experience has hurt her so badly that it's warped her attitude toward making a future commitment.

"What other reasons come to mind as I lie here in bed at 2 am? Well, many. My generation - our generation, Richard - sees a lot of scary things coming from having casual sex: herpes, AIDS, venereal disease, warts, sores and abortions. You know, back in the '60s, teenagers didn't have to worry so much. Oh, there was venereal disease, but that was about it. But today, when a girl loses her virginity, my friends joke, 'Then she's eligible for the Big D.' "D" is for death because, if you get AIDS, you can die from having had that sex. You know, casual sex isn't all that casual.

"I don't know anyone personally who has herpes, but one of my sister's girlfriends caught it off a guy whom she considered very nice, and it was only the second guy she'd slept with. But now, herpes will give her a lifetime of problems like who would want to marry her? And when she has babies, if the herpes is active, she'll have to have a caesarean section. You know, all of these things give a girl cause to think.

"And then there's another reason, Richard, why I'd like to hold on to my virginity. What could have started tonight would have been a 'relationship', an open-ended affair with no strings, no commitments and no ground rules. How long would it last - six months, a year? Not forever, that's for sure, because neither of us is ready for marriage yet. Two of my close girlfriends are in just such relationships now - totally non-binding. And that's where the chain reaction comes in.

"When their relationships end, Richard, they're likely to move into somebody else's bed. Oh, I've heard about secondary virginity where someone loses his or her virginity and then regrets it and opts for celibacy, but that's rare. If I lose my virginity at 17, how many men will I sleep with before meeting the one I marry? And, you know, I guess I just don't want to be someone's casual 'relationship'.

"When I give myself, I want it to be in marriage. I want to be somebody's life-long lover - the person my man can't bear to live without. I don't want a 'relationship'. Anybody can have that. I want poems and flowers. I want a diamond ring and children and a history together. And I want our history to end happily ever after.

"Well, it's 3 o'clock in the morning now, and I guess I am feeling a bit better. I guess I should have laid out these reasons for you tonight, my handsome friend, but at least in thinking them back in my own mind, I'm better equipped to handle the fact that we are through. And tomorrow I'll wipe off my smeared mascara and get on with my life.

"Will I see you at Diane's party? And who will you have on your arm? Will my heart churn as I linger by the punch bowl pretending to have a marvelous time engrossed in conversation with a nerd? Yes, I will. I've lost you, Richard, but I retain my independence, my self-respect and my simple uncomplicated existence. Tomorrow my eyes will be swollen, but my future will be free and unfettered. So I guess maybe I'm really not a loser after all."

The Face of Jesus

I've seen the face of Jesus this week. No I haven't died or gone mad. I have seen him in the faces of all the people I see everday. Sometimes when kids are coming into my office three and four times a day my human mind gets annoyed and tired of these pointless complaints. It hard to not just send these kids back to class and ignore them because I know that there is nothing wrong with them. I have truly sick and hurt kids come to me everyday. Throwing up, bleeding, poopy pants, wet pants, head aches, fevers, broken bones, you name it I have seen it here. Those kids I have no problem stooping low to help. The back ache doesnt effect me then. Its when the same child comes down for the tenth time this week for a paper cut and I just want to snap. Or when there are staff and teachers that want me to do silly things like call mom and dad because little Jane Doe doenst want to sit still in class or when teachers expect me to finish my paperwork all the same day the hand it to me. Its times like these I have to honestly try.

"They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’" -Matthew 25:44-45

What if one of those kiddoes were Jesus? Would I turn him away even for the smallest scratch? Of course not I would be catering to him making sure he was taken care of. Perhaps I should view these people in the same way? If Jesus wanted my to just sit and talk for a few moments about what they had for lunch, wouldnt I treasure every moment? This is how I try to view people I come in contact with.

The grumpy cashier that doesnt say a word and gives you the wrong change. Love them like Jesus and say a few kind words. The little kid that wants to sit here because its hot outside. Love them like Jesus and let him sit. The parent that wants to yell at me because I am asking them to pick up their kid. Love them like Jesus and show them patience. Love her like Jesus and offer a kind smile or sweet encouragement. The teacher that emails me for the third time asking when I will have such-and-such paper work done. Love them like Jesus. The person begging for money on the corner. Love them like Jesus. The frustrated mom with screaming kids. The person who cuts out in front of you at the checkout line. Love them like Jesus. The chatty person that wont stop talking even though you have attempted to politely leave twice. Love them like Jesus. Just love on everyone the way Jesus would.

He listens to all my petty complaints, he counts every single one of my silly tears and my painful tears. He sits with me when times are rough or even when I am bored and seeking attention. He helps me even when he knows I can do it myself, and carries me when he knows I cant. He sees me so I need to see him. I see him in the faces of all the people around me.

A long time...

This blog has been stagnant for what seems like an eternity; in reality its been two months. A lot has happened in that short time. My amazing husband and I found out that we were pregnant! We were excited and nervous. It happened a bit earlier than we expected but we were still thrilled to have a baby. Andrew went straight into "daddy-mode" and started planning. We started talking about how we would handle school, work, church and a new baby. We were scared but we knew we could do it. This baby was a miracle after all, not just because all babies are miracles but because of the fact it happened the absolute first time. I knew in my heart that God had planned this little one and that is how I knew we were going to make it. We were walking around target looking at the baby things we would need. We picked a brown and green theme that had matching set with a car seat, stroller, playpen, crib and everything. We found a little lamb that I begged for Andrew to buy me but he said we should wait until after the baby shower. I was so exited! That Sunday we told my parents. My dad was thrilled and he had to leave because he started to cry. I remember all the tear stained cheeks and the smiles and hugs. Our family was so excited for us. My brother poked by still-flat belly and said he was happy to be an uncle. My mother held my hand and my dad just beamed. Andrew stood next to me with a smile from ear to ear. Proud daddy already. Monday came and went. I was actually enjoying my pregnancy symptoms. Its strange but I loved the feeling that I needed to puke, I love the aching breasts and being sleepy all the time. I loved spending thirty minutes rolling around in bed trying to find a spot that was comfortable for me and wondering if the little baby was comfortable too. I called him skittle at this point because that was about how big he was. I dreamt of sitting in a rocker holding my tiny baby. That's all I wanted was that dream.

It breaks my heart to say but that dream wont come true yet. At a mere six weeks and four days I had to say goodbye to a part of my soul. We lost the baby. I am still mourning and a big mess. One week ago today was the day I was rushed to the emergency room. In three hours and a few minutes it will be the exact time I knew I lost our baby. People must be frustrated with me to no end because of the amount of tears that my eyes have rained.

May third, the day before my 22nd birthday, I started having abdominal pain that morning. I knew that some light cramping and being uncomfortable was normal so I welcomed this new symptom. I glowed all day and couldn't wait for the summer when we would tell everyone at our jobs about the baby (by then we would have a plan of either me staying home or working). At about 1pm I took my regular bathroom break. Walking there the cramps started to get worse but not anything big, but it was big. My stomach felt like someone was taking a screw driver too it and it looked like it too from all the blood (tmi, sorry). I fell to the floor in the bathroom alone and called my mom because she works with me. I couldn't get a word out of my mouth and my mom just said, "Ill be right there." It felt like forever but my mom was there in minutes to help me up. I was in so much pain and fear at that point. I managed to hide the tears and go and sit in her classroom while I called my husband and my mom called my doctor.

Andrew was there ten minutes later with a look of worry on his face. He was calm and collected like he always was but I saw through his mask and he was scared too. We tried to go to urgent care because its closer but they didn't have an ultrasound machine. We went to the er and I almost collapsed in pain on the floor. Two hours later I was seen by the doctor. My body was going into shock and my bp was 164/102 and my heart rate was at 134. I excused myself to use the restroom again and I saw that the bleeding stopped. I got my hopes up that maybe it was just something strange that happened and now the baby will be okay. The doctor was very kind and explained to me about all of the blood work, tests and ultrasounds I would be going through. She said she wanted me to get an iv. She did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed and there was no more bleeding, I was thrilled! That was such good news and I felt so much better.

I went through the ultrasound without a hitch. The bleeding was stopped so I assumed the baby was okay. I even joked a bit with Andrew about how I can never take the easy road. The ultrasound tech was nice but wouldn't let me see the screen. I was sneaky and watched the whole thing in the reflection in her glasses; she probably thought I was a creeper for staring so intently at her face. I saw my womb but couldn't see anything else. Maybe I wasn't far enough along to see the sack or maybe I missed it because it is hard to read an ultrasound when looking at it in a two inches by one inch glass reflection.

We went to another room and did the paperwork. The lady at the desk was so amazing and told me that she thought I would be fine and congratulations on the baby. She said she had a feeling that this would be the best birthday present I have ever got. We went into another room where they drew blood and I got my iv. The guy must have been new because he wasn't very good at it and it hurt a lot. I had a big bruise from the iv he gave me and I have never ever had a bruise from an iv. He put the bracelet on so tight it was leaving an indent on my wrist. Andrew and I chatted and talked about how nice it would be when the baby was here. He just held me while we waited for the test results.

The doctor called us back again and I was so distant it felt like watching it on a movie. She came in with a sad face and said I'm sorry its not good. She handed me paperwork and said a bunch of things I cant remember. I just cried and cried, short breathed quiet cries. I thought my heart was going to just fall out of my chest. The doctor said she was so sorry and gave me a hug. Andrew started to get teary eyed but stood strong for me. The doctor excused herself and asked the nurse to help me with my release papers.

The nurse said the absolute worst thing anyone could have ever said, "Not trying to be mean but its probably a good thing you miscarried because that means there was something wrong with it. You will get over it."At that point I just lost it. I sobbed hysterically, it was probably a good thing because if I had control over myself I would have hit her for calling my baby an it. She tried to take my bp and it was through the roof. She told me I needed to calm down, calm down?! I just cried even harder. I stared at Andrew wishing he would just tell her to leave. She stood there and clicked her pen and kept saying things like, "you need to stop crying... calm down... I'm not writing those numbers down because then they wont ever release you... calm down if you want to go home...we don't have time for this..." and finally she huffed and left to go get the doctor. Eventually I got my bp to 130/89 and they released me. As I left they handed me a bunch of papers that said Possible Miscarriage/Failed Pregnancy. It was NOT a failed pregnancy. I had not failed. Andrew had not failed. My baby had not failed. My pregnancy was not a failure by any means. My pregnancy was wanted, loved and cared for. My baby was wanted, loved and cared for.

I remember just sobbing for hours. I cant even remember the rest of that night. There was a slim chance that the baby was okay but I continued to be in pain and bleed. It was so bad every time I saw blood I thought I was going to puke and I stared crying all over again. Over the next few days I had another doctors appointment and they confirmed that my hcg levels have dropped which means I have already lost the baby for sure and that miscarriage was inevitable. It hurt so bad the emotional and the physical. I was devastated. I have cried on and off since then. Today is the first day since then that I have not sobbed, although it is only a little past 11 o'clock so we will see.

Andrew and I decided to name the baby that we loved so much.
Riley Faith Hudgins.

Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. Faith was picked because of the literal form of the word and it was after Andrews sisters middle name. He is our first baby and as of right now our only. He just beat us to heaven. I miss him so much and can hardly think of anything but him. I would give my right arm to just have 30 seconds to hold him and give him a kiss. I hope he knows that mommy and daddy love him more than life itself. We don't know the sex but I am convinced it was a boy. Riley, if you hear me saying "he" and you are a girl I am deeply sorry. I wish we could have had more time with you. We made you a memory box with a few little things, the first onsie I bought (it says 'dirt magnet'), the positive pregnancy tests, a little wood lion and a few others. Your daddy is creating a picture for us of forget-me-nots because Riley we will never ever ever forget you. On three canvases, you, me and daddy.

This was the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life but I am trusting that God knows what he is doing and I can trust him. It is hard. I have been sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, in denial, and so many other emotions I have never felt so deeply. I think I will continue to post about my feelings and missing Riley. I will also post a blog about things you should or shouldn't say to a mother or father who had just lost their baby. I think all of this will be a good release.

Pray for peace and quick healing for my body.
Pray we find shelter in the Lord during times of trouble.
Pray for strength in our marriage and patience for Andrew.
Pray for strength for me.