October 31, 2011

Another Heartbreak or a Miracle?

I always thought when I finally posted this subject that it would be with joy and anticipation. I have spoken of this once before and it was of pure heartbreak and I am afraid I have to say that this time it is in probable heartbreak again. October 1st we found out that we are having a baby! The baby is due June 8th of 2012. We decided to nickname the baby Bug because he or she was due in June and therefore was our little Junebug. We were overjoyed. Andrew was so excited and he started to plan everything. He prayed for Bug everyday and was a true Man-of-God. He treated me like a queen and he was my backbone. Words  couldn't even describe how happy we were. We wanted to tell the whole world our news, "Our RAINBOW baby is on his or her way!" We hoped this was God blessing us. One glory baby and one earthly baby.

A week and a half ago my mom took me to the ER because I started spotting. My doctor said this is very common but because I was seven weeks she wanted to get me checked out. The blood work came back okay with solid HCG levels. We went in for the ultrasound and found out Bug wasn't growing properly. Bug was too small to be seven weeks. The ER NP told me that I may miscarry because Bug is too small or I may just be a week or two earlier than we thought.

I cried all the way home because I thought we would lose our second baby, our little Junebug. I have one baby that went straight from womb to heaven and I was not ready to let my second baby go. I sobbed and I begged God to save this baby. I offered my life instead. It sounds odd but I was trying to barter with God saying that if he let this baby be born and healthy I would gladly give my life up for my baby. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. At this time the bleeding stopped and I had hope. The ER NP put me on bed rest for the rest of the weekend and gave me the rest of the week of bed rest if I started bleeding again. We continued to pray.

Andrew and I cried together and prayed together. We spent the entire night praying and crying. Clinging to the hope that God promises to take care of his children. He said that if you ask you will received and so we asked and asked and begged him to let us keep this child. To heal this baby and heal my body so it could take care of the baby. Andrew was my prayer warrior and just held me as I cried.

I made a doctors appointment for Monday as a follow up. They had me do more blood work. I saw a different doctor than my regular obgyn but she seemed really hopeful. She had a student shadowing her and the student agreed that it looked like I was just earlier than we thought I was and that everything would be okay. They did notice my urine test was off and had ketones so they had me chance my diet. I was on a rotating carb and protein every two hours. I was supposed to drink 3/4 of a gallon to a whole gallon a day. They said that I was losing weight because the baby was sucking up all my nutrients. I gladly changed my died and started to eat around the clock. My weight didn't change much but I started to feel better. I felt confidant that things would be better.

 I stayed home through Monday and went back to work Tuesday and Wednesday. Pelvic rest, not to be on my feet longer than 15 minutes at a time, no lifting anything heavier than 7lbs, eating around the clock still and I had to agree to go straight home if more bleeding started. Wednesday afternoon I started spotting again and went home. I called my doc and made another appointment, earlier than the one I already had scheduled.

I was on bed rest until Friday and that was horrible to just sit there and lay there all day with nothing to do but think about Bug. My heart was breaking out of fear that we would lose Bug the same way that we lost Riley. I kept thinking about my first baby and looking at his memory box and crying. I wanted Bug to be my rainbow baby so bad. Andrew wanted this to be our earthly baby  so bad. Andrew took care of me for those days. I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a good thing he was there because I could not have survived those days if it wasn't for him taking care of me. I am forever grateful to my amazing husband, the father of my two babies. Friday morning came and Andrew took me to my doctors appointment. The doctor told me that it was unlikely that we would be able to see the baby let alone a heartbeat because of all the bleeding. The tech told me that it would probably look the same as the ultrasound at the ER.  

The tech started doing an ultrasound and immediately stopped. She said, "I saw a fetal pole, we will do an internal to try to catch the heartbeat." I was floored. I started sobbing on the bed and she thought I was choking. I saw on the screen that Bug was there and she said she thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but it wasn't steady so she couldn't count the beats. She said, "yup, you are probably just earlier than we thought!" She took lots of pictures but Bug kept hiding. I was so excited to see our little baby. At the ER they wont let you see the ultrasound because its an emergency ultrasound so this was the first time we saw our baby. The gestational sack was small but the yolk sac was good size and Bug was there. The baby kept hiding behind the yolk sac and she couldn't get the machine to hold still but we still saw Bug! My heart soared that we finally were able to see our second child. I felt better about the pregnancy. This was a miracle because we never even had a picture of Riley. The only ultrasound we had was the one at the ER. This time we have pictures of the Baby even after the doctor said we probably wont be able to see a heartbeat we saw the flicker! A little miracle we are forever thankful for.

That was until two days later I started bleeding really heavily. TMI: I started clotting and this is what scares me the most. Many pregnancies bleed, in fact about 30-40% of women spot at least once during the first trimester. I am still bleeding and clotting at the moment. We have an ultrasound this Friday, November 4th, to see if the baby is still there or the baby has already passed on. I will be 9 weeks this Friday. The doctor told us that the baby has about a 1% chance of surviving because of the low HCG levels, Bug was measuring small and didn't have a steady heartbeat at 8 weeks.

We are all praying that a miracle is in Gods will and this baby will be our first earthly baby. I have spent much time being depressed, sad, angry, frustrated, more anger, and everything there is. I have spent hours in prayer begging God for this child. Now all we can do is wait to see if Bug is in His will or if we will have another Glory Baby.

Just waiting and praying for a miracle...

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