May 17, 2011

Two Weeks

At 1:00pm today I was supposed to be having my ultrasound to hear the babies heart. Today was supposed to be the day I saw Riley dancing in my tummy. It was supposed to be the first pictures of him with his proud mommy and daddy looking on. Instead we are remembering two weeks ago we lost Riley. We are remembering that Riley is dancing in heaven, not in my belly. Its harder than I thought to come to this day. I had to call my doctor to cancel the appointment because I couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. I guess I still had an inkling of a hope that they were wrong, even though I knew they weren't.

Most people have been wonderfully sweet. I have received many kind words and prayers. I have even had a bouquets of flowers sent to us. One of the most beautiful bouquets I have ever seen came from our Calvary family. I also was given an "In Memory of Riley" plant, gerbera daisies our wedding flower. I have had support from all directions. I have even joined a counseling group for grieving mothers and they have been absolutely wonderful. There is always a cloud in the midst of all this wonderfulness though and it tends to be people who are like this:

Not exactly what helps... They try but all they do is is hurt. Sometimes its better to say nothing except, "I'm sorry" than to risk hurting the person you are trying to comfort. When I start to feel a bit better, like I actually have control over my emotions, someone goes and knocks my feet out from under me with a snide comment about how I should be "over it" by now. Sorry to say but you never "get over" the loss of a child so please don't tell me to. Unless you have been there you cant even slightly understand and if you have been there you have to remember that grief is different for everyone. Some people are fine right away and a few months later just have a complete breakdown. Some people mourn and cry right away but a few months later are pulling themselves back together. Some take years to heal while some start to heal in weeks. Sometimes its a one step forward two steps back thing.

I think that's where I am at. The moment I feel like I can laugh again, like really laugh, something reminds me of Riley. I was laughing at a video yesterday and it felt good. Then a commercial popped up and it was a commercial with a baby lion in it. It broke me into tears. Riley's name means valiant or lion-hearted so anything to do with knights or lions makes me cry. I think someday it will turn into a sign of peace but for right now its just the salt on the wound. It heals because it reminds me that its there but it burns because the wound is still so real. I just pray that I will never forget my first baby and I pray that he will be waiting there at Home when I get there too.

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