December 09, 2011

Less and more

If you decided to come over hangout with me on a December afternoon there wouldn't be much to it.
There isn't much to me anymore. I am far more simplistic than I used to be and yet, much more complicated. I think I am softer than I have ever been but stronger too. I would make you coffee or tea while we sit and talk.

I may apologize for the lack of Christmas decorations. The missing glittering Christmas tree lets me pretend its not December. It lets me pretend that I wouldn't be due with little man any day. Pretend that his due date is less than three weeks away. I would tell you that we hung up stockings at my parents house and decked their tree out in gold and crimson.

I would avoid the questions like, "how are you?" because I have no idea how to answer them. I would tell you that I am doing better but that might not be true. I would tell you that time heals all wounds, but in reality I have to force those syllables out of my mouth.

I may hold my mug filled with tea to tight as I stare at the black framed box sitting next to our idiot tube. If your eyes happened to glance that way you would see in the black box with a glass front is a baby onsie with a light blue knit baby blanket. A little wood lion, a butterfly and magenta colored flower sit on top of that blue blanket. Their names written on the wood.

I would try to not make you uncomfortable but I can guaruntee that at least once I will say something you don't know how to answer. That is okay too. It is okay to avoid my icky words and just sip on the warm liquid in your mug.

I would ask you how you are doing and if there was anything I could pray about for you. I may ask you how your family is doing, the husband, the kids. If your grandpa was doing better or if your uncle found a job. Maybe what your Christmas plans were. Just talking is nice.

I would tell you that I am so grateful for my husband and that would bring a smile to my lips. Sipping and smiling. You would already know how much he means to me. These past two years have been the hardest two years of my life but I wouldn't trade the time for anything in the world.

I may bring up adoption and my longing to have a house full of silly face and noise. I would tell you for my longing of a normal life and a house and what it would be like if I never would have lost him or the twins. I would tell you I miss my twins. We should have been finding out the sex the week of Christmas, did I already said that? That I want my babies back, I want a baby now. Complicated things.

I might make you uncomfortable again and mention my friend who just had a still born baby girl. I would talk about mourning for her and her husband. How they were the most amazing parents anyone could have ever asked for and for some reason God took their little princess home. How I don't understand how these things happen but they do. You may fumble around trying to find some words to help but you can still see the ache in my eyes.

I would tell you honestly that I know God has a plan for everything that happens in our life. That He works all things together for Good. It's hard to say but its true. Loss is temporary on earth because we have eternity in heaven. I would mention I am throwing a baby shower for one of the most wonderful women on earth this weekend. It makes me ache knowing we should have had a double shower but she is worth it.

I would tell you that the cold weather makes me happy. Its healing to be all bundled up in scarves and seeing family week after week. Some might complain of their annoying family members but I see how precious each one is and I want to love on them as long as possible. My family has been my life raft when I fall off the sanity boat.

Our drinks would be gone or gone cold and we would still just sit. Maybe in silence, maybe I would offer to watch a movie. Anything to just get the moments to pass by to ignore the ache. Its a new reality that I am forced to live and I hope you can understand. Less smiles, more ache. Less anger, more faith. Less regret, more hope. Less ugly, more love. Less and more.

cell phone picture of a winter sunrise


  1. Are we the same person? It feels like it after reading your post. Six months or so after my second miscarriage, and I got on Zoloft, I think I stopped making people so uncomfortable. At first it was unintentional, then I think it because a personal sick joke, like laughing at darkness. I think I mentioned in my previous post that I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I'm taking my medicine like I'm supposed to, but this morning I had such pain and cramping that I couldn't go to work. I'm still hurting. Everyone is telling me, these things are normal...blah blah blah...but it's hard to hold on to faith, when your history tells you differently.

  2. I have thought about talking to my doctor about it but I am trying so hard to do this unmedicated. Part of the reason is because we plan on adopting and I am worried about having depression listed on the forms. :/ I have more good days than bad days so I just keep trying to work through it.
    I will pray for you, I hope this is your rainbow baby.

  3. If you are planning on adoption in America, it shouldn't be an issue. Plus, you are only depressed because you losses your babies. If you had a baby, you wouldn't be as depressed. I do understand you not wanting to list that though. My husband and I want to adopt as well, but not for a couple of years until he gets out of school.

    Thank you, it's not looking good. After two losses I kind of know what to expect. I had extreme cramping and back aches for hours on end today. (although it doesn't usually feel like that until I'm actually bleeding heavily) The two times before that would be follower by bleeding the next day. I hate the waiting game. Did you get tested for any blood issues or genetic mutations? I was, by then again, the treatment doesn't appear to be working...I really pray God blesses us with this rainbow baby, and doesn't make us wait any longer.

  4. We haven't been tested for anything yet. We are just taking it day by day praying about where God wants us next. We want to adopt from Uganda or Ethiopia.
    Still praying for you. I hope we get our rainbow baby soon. Three babies in heaven is three to many. I miss them everyday.