Tough Stuff

Updated: 12/05/11

A few years ago I thought I wanted to be a CNA (certified nursing assistant). I took the courses I needed and did my hours in an assisted living facility. I really loved it there and came to adore many of the people. This isn't about all the stories I have to tell about that place -which I have many- but of one lady there. One lady that confused my whole world. I wish I could remember her name but I can't. I can picture her face though. Curly hair and a funny demanding voice. That isn't what made her unique. What made her special was that she carried around a baby doll.

Yes, she was probably in her 60's or 70's and carried around a little doll. She said that this was her little boy and truly believed it. Some of the CNA's and nurses played along while others made fun of her for it and a few just ignored it all together. Some even decided that it was unhealthy and wanted to take the doll away. This lady had clothes for the baby doll and wore him in a carrier. She refused to do anything unless her baby was in the room with her. Even when she showered she had to have him right outside the shower to know that he was safe.

Never quite understanding where she came from I am sad to say I ignored it. I thought she was strange and didn't understand. I adored this lady and loved talking to her but I didn't understand why she would want to pretend this doll was her son. One nurse was especially kind to her and helped her bathe her baby in the sink. I watched both ladies gently wash the babies head and put the tiny clothes back on him. Amazed by how kind the nurse was to the lady everyone thought was crazy I asked her why she helped her. She told me that many years ago in life the lady's baby boy had died and when she had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's she forgot that the baby had died and kept asking for him. She would cry because she thought someone took her son. I believe it was her grown daughter that gave her this baby doll so she would stop crying and sleep through the night. The lady grew to love this baby like it really was her son so she kept him. It soothed her and mended her heart. It was that baby doll that helped her live.

Strange thing is I never truly understood why she could think the baby doll was real. Why she would want to live a "lie" and why would her family be okay with it. After losing Riley in May and the twins my arms truly ache wanting to hold a baby. Just any baby to hold and rock them for a moment to pretent that my babies are safe in my arms. To close my eyes and pretend for a moment that my heart isn't broken and life didn't turn out this way. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't heal my broken heart.

I may get some flack for this but I can understand why she wanted and needed the baby doll. In a moment of frustration and sadness a few nights ago I stuffed a pillow under my pajama shirt just to see what I would look like right now if I was still pregnant with Riley. I broke down in tears feeling crazy and missing something that never was. Half of me is embarassed to tell something so personal and the other half just wants to be honest with people. I don't allow myself to have these "crazy moments" often but they do happen. The heart ache of not having your baby in your arms is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. If pretending is what kept her going in her old age then I don't see a problem with it.

People look at me like I am crazy because I named my "miscarriages." I probably get made fun of like the lady with the baby doll. There are people who support me and people that make fun of me and mostly people that ignore me. That is okay with me. Naming my babies, yes they were real living itty-bitty babies, is what has helped me heal. When I can refer to them by name it helps my heart a little bit. It is the moment of confirmation that my babies were real. When months and years go by and people forget that they were ever here, I will always remember. I will always remember my first three babies, no matter how little they were. If you ever remember my babies just let me know. I promise that hearing their name will not make me sad, it will make me feel better because it is terribly hard to be a mother when you have no baby in your arms.

How can the same sound bring so much joy and so much pain, to the same heart,

in the same breathe?

A newborn’s cry. A toddler’s laugh. A mother’s scold.

Empty arms ache at the sound

Joy for you, with you

Pain for me, hope deferred, desire denied

 

The empty arms of a barren womb

Empty arms that laid Baby in a grave

Empty arms of life lost before it began...

Empty arms of choiceless singleness

 

You grumble about the kids you’ve got

I weep inside for the child I’ve lost

I distance myself, from you, from hurt

Hating myself, wishing I could give more

Plastered fake smile pains face and heart

I keep silent, believing you wouldn’t understand

The pain, the joy, the desire, the grief

 

Am I the only one that struggles this way?

Does anyone know the volatile emotions I hide?

Will the grief, the longing, the pain ever end?

Where can I find healing, wholeness, hope?

 

There at the cross of Jesus Christ

I see arms stretched out, open wide

Empty arms

Empty arms like mine

 

Empty arms offering comfort in grief

Empty arms providing forgiveness for sin

Empty arms bringing healing and wholeness

Empty arms with power to unlock the womb

Empty arms giving love for loneliness, hope, joy, peace

Empty arms exchanging death for life

 

Christ’s empty arms are open to you

To fill your empty arms.

--unknown

Possible Chromosome Abnormalities

Addressing a comment someone left on my blog:

First, I would like to thank the commenter for saying they would pray for me and they hope I find peace.

Second, thank you for saying you think God will someday bless me with a child, except that I already have two children. Even though Riley and Brielle are in heaven doesn't mean that they are not my children. I have been greatly blessed and please don't mistake my grieving over them as  I am ungrateful for my children. Also, carrying a baby is limited importance to me in the grand scheme of things, I know many of our children will be adopted. I carry them in my heart instead of my womb.

Third, I wanted to address the part where you told me that it is possible that I wasn't eating enough and that would cause me to miscarry. Also inferring that I could use to gain some weight to be healthy. I thought I would share what the doctor told us.

Honestly, I am small in build and in weight. I am five foot four and about 108lbs. Yes, that is not very big but not unhealthy. My doctor was not concerned about my weight unless I started to lose weight. Not that it is anyone's business what I eat but I figured I would clear some things up. I eat very healthy. I eat three solid meals a day and four "snacks." I eat all organic and balance out my carbs and protein and sugars. For some strange reason my body has a hard time staying hydrated and putting on weight, but again this did not concern my doctor because I was not under weight when I found out I was pregnant. Actually by my second doctors appointment I had gained two pounds. So no, my eating habits had nothing to do with my ability to "carry to term."



When we found out we lost Brielle I questioned the doctor if there was anything I could have done different. I was fearful that for some reason my body was killing my babies. The doctor told me that the way Brielle was growing was not in the 90th percentile of normal growth and was growing incredible slow. The heartbeat started a week later than it should have and even though she was growing it was not at the rate of even being close to normal. She said that the baby most likely had chromosome abnormalities and that is what was causing the slow growth. She prepared us for the idea that our baby may be born very sick or with health problems, if she made it to term at all. The doctor said that it would be very likely that our baby would be sick because of these abnormalities. Of course Andrew and I agreed that no matter what the outcome we wanted this baby. Whether this meant Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Triple X, Klinefelter Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome or whatever the outcome would be, we knew the baby was our gift from God and he would give us the strength to handle whatever was brought our way. We loved this baby the moment that second pink line appeared.

We still prayed that the baby would be healthy and that is exactly what happened.  It is very possible that our babies health problems could not be solved on earth. So I prayed God would heal her in any way possible, even if it meant hurting me or killing me in the process. I was willing to lay down my own life for this itty-bitty baby but that was not God's plan. God's plan is that my baby is whole and healthy and in heaven. There is no place better. God chose to take her home early and thus hurting us in the process of at the same time blessing us. We had the blessing of enjoying her short life with her and loved her every moment she was here. I thank God for those nine weeks and I would do it all again.

UPDATE: For the commenter below inferring that I am anorexic this is just to humor you.
A list of what I have eaten today 09/16/11 by 3:54pm:
-Whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and a carnation instant shake for breakfast at about 7:30am.
-A few oreos for snack and finished a water bottle by about 10:00am.
-A foot long turkey sub on wheat from Subway (yes a foot long with extra mayo) and a Dr. Pepper for -lunch and a second water bottle at 12:15pm.
-A packaged of 100% juice fruit snacks at about 2:00pm.
-A slice of organic pumpkin pie and homemade whip cream; currently eating(Yum! early thanksgiving at the school where I work).

November 4, 2011 the day to remember Brielle Grace

Our adventure started on October 1st... well technically it started two weeks prior but we will skip those details. October 1st I decided to pee on a stick. Partially for fun because almost no on gets pregnant the first time (even though with did with Riley) but partially because I had a gut feeling.

The first came back faint but a clear positive. The following day it came back a bit darker and the third it came back much darker. We were absolutely thrilled! We calculated that the baby would be due June 8, 2012, perfect timing for the summer. "Our RAINBOW baby is on his or her way!"

and the adventure begins!

Babies flooded our lives as we started to plan and share the news with our family. I wanted this to be our rainbow baby so bad. I was a bit fearful because of losing Riley just a few months prior but I truly thought this would be our first bring home baby. I jumped on Baby Center and started to chat with other Due in June Mommas. Symptoms, emotions and gory questions. We quickly made our first obgyn appointment at about seven weeks. Excitement couldn't even begin to describe our feelings.

Six Weeks

 Momma Author was feeling great. I was nauseous, headaches, leg cramps, sore boobs, I had the whole nine yards and was loving it. I never minded pregnancy symptoms because it was just a reminder that Baby Bug was there. This kind of "sickness" I just couldn't bring myself to complain about because it was such a blessing to be pregnant again. I cannot completely describe the emotions behind this. I felt like the sun was starting to rise after an eternity of night. It made my eyes ache and I couldn't believe how blessed we were.

We decided to announce it to our families on Thanksgiving because the baby would be about twelve weeks by then. I was planning for Christmas and maternity shopping for a dress for my cousins wedding on December 30th. I spent much of my day thanking God for my Riley and my growing Junebug baby.

First ultrasound of bug

We went through our first doctors appointment and everything looked great! I spent that day on cloud nine. However the following day I spotted a bit and panicked. My mom took me to the ER just to make sure that everything was looking okay. The bleeding had stopped but we wanted to make sure. The ER NP told me that we were measuring a bit small for seven weeks but my HCG was good and everything else looked okay. I had ketones in my urine so they said the spotting was most likely from being dehydrated. The doctor put me on bed rest and sent me home.

We felt better because my HCG was good. With Riley my HCG had already began to crash when we went to the ER. I had hope that God would take care of this rainbow baby. We cried and prayed for days until my next doctors appointment. I saw a different doctor than my regular obgyn but she seemed really hopeful. She had a student shadowing her and the student agreed that it looked like I was just earlier than we thought I was and that everything would be okay. I was put on a rotating carb and protein every two hours. I was supposed to drink 3/4 of a gallon to a whole gallon a day. They said that I wasn't gaining weight because the baby was sucking up all my nutrients. I gladly changed my diet and started to eat around the clock. My weight didn't change much but I started to feel better. I felt confidant that things would be better.

Seven weeks

Taken from a previous post (this is too hard for me to retell):
I was on bed rest until Friday and that was horrible to just sit there and lay there all day with nothing to do but think about Bug. My heart was breaking out of fear that we would lose Bug the same way that we lost Riley. I kept thinking about my first baby and looking at his memory box and crying. I wanted Bug to be my rainbow baby so bad. Andrew wanted this to be our earthly baby  so bad. Andrew took care of me for those days. I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a good thing he was there because I could not have survived those days if it wasn't for him taking care of me. I am forever grateful to my amazing husband, the father of my two babies. Friday morning came and Andrew took me to my doctors appointment. The doctor told me that it was unlikely that we would be able to see the baby let alone a heartbeat because of all the bleeding. The tech told me that it would probably look the same as the ultrasound at the ER.  

The tech started doing an ultrasound and immediately stopped. She said, "I saw a fetal pole, we will do an internal to try to catch the heartbeat." I was floored. I started sobbing on the bed and she thought I was choking. I saw on the screen that Bug was there and she said she thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but it wasn't steady so she couldn't count the beats. She said, "yup, you are probably just earlier than we thought!" She took lots of pictures but Bug kept hiding. I was so excited to see our little baby. At the ER they wont let you see the ultrasound because its an emergency ultrasound so this was the first time we saw our baby. The gestational sack was small but the yolk sac was good size and Bug was there. The baby kept hiding behind the yolk sac and she couldn't get the machine to hold still but we still saw Bug! My heart soared that we finally were able to see our second child. I felt better about the pregnancy. This was a miracle because we never even had a picture of Riley. The only ultrasound we had was the one at the ER. This time we have pictures of the Baby even after the doctor said we probably wont be able to see a heartbeat we saw the flicker! A little miracle we are forever thankful for.

That was until two days later I started bleeding really heavily. TMI: I started clotting and this is what scares me the most. Many pregnancies bleed, in fact about 30-40% of women spot at least once during the first trimester. I am still bleeding and clotting at the moment. We have an ultrasound this Friday, November 4th, to see if the baby is still there or the baby has already passed on. I will be 9 weeks this Friday. The doctor told us that the baby has about a 1% chance of surviving because of the low HCG levels, Bug was measuring small and didn't have a steady heartbeat at 8 weeks."

Nine weeks

We had our appointment yesterday the 4th and find out that the baby's heart had already stopped. Nine weeks to the day we found out our baby had passed away. We kind of knew it was coming but it didn't make the blow any easier.

On the ultrasound it showed that the baby was still in my womb. With the amount of blood that has been passing the doctor thought the baby should have passed already. She is now worried about infection. The doctor offered me a surgical D&C which I turned down and Cytotec. Cytotec is the brand name of misoprostol. Misoprostol is an abortion drug. I bawled when she said "cytotec" because that is the drug they give you to start a chemical abortion. I know if I would take it that it wouldn't be aborting my baby but I just could not bring myself to take the same drug that women used to kill their children. As all of you know I am strongly pro-life and so just the idea of using the same drug makes me sick to my stomach. I have no problem with people having a D&C or taking cytotec if the baby has already passed away but I just can't do it. It is not for me.

So now all I can do is wait and pray that my body handles this on its own without medical intervention. Riley's sack had already collapsed and was passing by the time I was at the ER with him. This time the doctor told me that it could take two weeks for the baby to pass and the bleeding to stop. She warned me that a small percentage of women can bleed for a month. I am praying that God heals me quickly.

Andrew and I talked about it for a while and decided to name the baby. I wanted a name that started with a "b" because we had nicknamed the baby "Bug" short for Junebug. I was laying in bed one night and the name Brielle popped into my head. I grabbed the baby name book we had bought to look at names and Brielle wasn't in there. Google came up with the name (what would we do without google). Brielle means "Heroine of the Lord" and comes from the masculine name Gabriel (the angel).

So we decided to name the baby we wanted to dearly:

Brielle Grace Hudgins

Grace because we fell into God's grace even when we were so angry with Him for taking our second child. I was very angry but now I am just numb. I have no idea why God would take two of my children away from us but it is in His plan. I just dwell on the fact that we will all have eternity together in heaven. Two Glory babies are waiting for us there, only that idea keeps me going.

Another Heartbreak or a Miracle?

I always thought when I finally posted this subject that it would be with joy and anticipation. I have spoken of this once before and it was of pure heartbreak and I am afraid I have to say that this time it is in probable heartbreak again. October 1st we found out that we are having a baby! The baby is due June 8th of 2012. We decided to nickname the baby Bug because he or she was due in June and therefore was our little Junebug. We were overjoyed. Andrew was so excited and he started to plan everything. He prayed for Bug everyday and was a true Man-of-God. He treated me like a queen and he was my backbone. Words  couldn't even describe how happy we were. We wanted to tell the whole world our news, "Our RAINBOW baby is on his or her way!" We hoped this was God blessing us. One glory baby and one earthly baby.

A week and a half ago my mom took me to the ER because I started spotting. My doctor said this is very common but because I was seven weeks she wanted to get me checked out. The blood work came back okay with solid HCG levels. We went in for the ultrasound and found out Bug wasn't growing properly. Bug was too small to be seven weeks. The ER NP told me that I may miscarry because Bug is too small or I may just be a week or two earlier than we thought.

I cried all the way home because I thought we would lose our second baby, our little Junebug. I have one baby that went straight from womb to heaven and I was not ready to let my second baby go. I sobbed and I begged God to save this baby. I offered my life instead. It sounds odd but I was trying to barter with God saying that if he let this baby be born and healthy I would gladly give my life up for my baby. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. At this time the bleeding stopped and I had hope. The ER NP put me on bed rest for the rest of the weekend and gave me the rest of the week of bed rest if I started bleeding again. We continued to pray.

Andrew and I cried together and prayed together. We spent the entire night praying and crying. Clinging to the hope that God promises to take care of his children. He said that if you ask you will received and so we asked and asked and begged him to let us keep this child. To heal this baby and heal my body so it could take care of the baby. Andrew was my prayer warrior and just held me as I cried.

I made a doctors appointment for Monday as a follow up. They had me do more blood work. I saw a different doctor than my regular obgyn but she seemed really hopeful. She had a student shadowing her and the student agreed that it looked like I was just earlier than we thought I was and that everything would be okay. They did notice my urine test was off and had ketones so they had me chance my diet. I was on a rotating carb and protein every two hours. I was supposed to drink 3/4 of a gallon to a whole gallon a day. They said that I was losing weight because the baby was sucking up all my nutrients. I gladly changed my died and started to eat around the clock. My weight didn't change much but I started to feel better. I felt confidant that things would be better.

 I stayed home through Monday and went back to work Tuesday and Wednesday. Pelvic rest, not to be on my feet longer than 15 minutes at a time, no lifting anything heavier than 7lbs, eating around the clock still and I had to agree to go straight home if more bleeding started. Wednesday afternoon I started spotting again and went home. I called my doc and made another appointment, earlier than the one I already had scheduled.

I was on bed rest until Friday and that was horrible to just sit there and lay there all day with nothing to do but think about Bug. My heart was breaking out of fear that we would lose Bug the same way that we lost Riley. I kept thinking about my first baby and looking at his memory box and crying. I wanted Bug to be my rainbow baby so bad. Andrew wanted this to be our earthly baby  so bad. Andrew took care of me for those days. I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a good thing he was there because I could not have survived those days if it wasn't for him taking care of me. I am forever grateful to my amazing husband, the father of my two babies. Friday morning came and Andrew took me to my doctors appointment. The doctor told me that it was unlikely that we would be able to see the baby let alone a heartbeat because of all the bleeding. The tech told me that it would probably look the same as the ultrasound at the ER.  

The tech started doing an ultrasound and immediately stopped. She said, "I saw a fetal pole, we will do an internal to try to catch the heartbeat." I was floored. I started sobbing on the bed and she thought I was choking. I saw on the screen that Bug was there and she said she thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but it wasn't steady so she couldn't count the beats. She said, "yup, you are probably just earlier than we thought!" She took lots of pictures but Bug kept hiding. I was so excited to see our little baby. At the ER they wont let you see the ultrasound because its an emergency ultrasound so this was the first time we saw our baby. The gestational sack was small but the yolk sac was good size and Bug was there. The baby kept hiding behind the yolk sac and she couldn't get the machine to hold still but we still saw Bug! My heart soared that we finally were able to see our second child. I felt better about the pregnancy. This was a miracle because we never even had a picture of Riley. The only ultrasound we had was the one at the ER. This time we have pictures of the Baby even after the doctor said we probably wont be able to see a heartbeat we saw the flicker! A little miracle we are forever thankful for.

That was until two days later I started bleeding really heavily. TMI: I started clotting and this is what scares me the most. Many pregnancies bleed, in fact about 30-40% of women spot at least once during the first trimester. I am still bleeding and clotting at the moment. We have an ultrasound this Friday, November 4th, to see if the baby is still there or the baby has already passed on. I will be 9 weeks this Friday. The doctor told us that the baby has about a 1% chance of surviving because of the low HCG levels, Bug was measuring small and didn't have a steady heartbeat at 8 weeks.

We are all praying that a miracle is in Gods will and this baby will be our first earthly baby. I have spent much time being depressed, sad, angry, frustrated, more anger, and everything there is. I have spent hours in prayer begging God for this child. Now all we can do is wait to see if Bug is in His will or if we will have another Glory Baby.

Just waiting and praying for a miracle...

Unproductive

Much of the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. Thus I have been not very productive and haven't gotten as much done as I should have... I guess I just have to accept we all have days like that.

I was reminded by email from babycenter that I would be due in about 70 days. My belly should be nice and round 30 weeks pregnant but its not. I am still learning to accept this life without Riley. It has its ups and downs like everything else in life. I stare at the memory box we have and just remember that Riley is in heaven. Hanging out on the streets of gold, chatting it away with Jesus. I just know he is a chatter box like his momma; although I am much less talkative than I used to be. I keep to myself more. God is now my support, the only way I get through the day is through his strength. God has blessed us in many ways. I know he works all things together for good but it doesn't mean I still don't miss my first baby. Riley will always be my first and will hold that place in my heart. Our next baby will hopefully be our first born baby and has a new place in my heart.

I was forgot that my registry for Riley is still up on the Target website. Of course I couldn't not go look at it again once I remembered. There were only three or four things on there but it still hit me hard. Seeing the car seat we would be buying soon was hard. Seeing the green cloth diapers I picked out was even harder because there would be no little tushy to fill those this winter. No cute baby winter clothes.

No warm blankets made for cuddling cute baby.
No big fat belly at Christmas time hoping I don't pop until after my cousins wedding which is on December 30th. No big maternity dresses because I would feel like I was the size of the house. No aching bones and surely no baby kicks on Christmas morning.
Its hard sometimes because I want those things back, as in right now. Half of me wants to be 30 weeks pregnant right now and glowing. the other part of me is accepting that God sometimes has other plans than we imagined. God has chosen us to be blessed in another way but it doesn't mean I still don't mourn my first baby. 

Yesterday

Four months ago yesterday. It was in the afternoon. In that horrid bathroom. Four months ago I lost Riley.
Four months... that means I would have been over five and a half months.

He would have been about eight inches long and over one pound.
He might have had hair, or if he took after me he would be bald. ;)
He would be old enough to hear my voice.
He would have been able to clench his fists and wiggle his fingers.
His fingerprints are only his.
I would have been feeling his hiccups and he would be able to smile.
I would have had a baby belly and feeling his kicks. 
I probably would have had an itchy growing belly and the start of backaches.

My belly would have looked close to this... (of course this isn't my picture; google).

Yea, as you can tell I am a bit bummed right now. Prayer is the only thing helping me keep my sanity. I know God has a plan for all of this but right now I just need a hug or something. Would love to go get myself a big piece of chocolate cake but I cant eat bleached flower because of a new "diet" the doctor has me on to help with my digestion issues. Its harder when it comes close to the third of the month, every month because that is the day I lost him. When the EDD comes up at the end of this year I have no idea what it will be like. I am dreading it in a way because it will be one more reminder of 'what isn't.' I keep looking up pregnancy information of how it would be if I was five and a half months pregnant. That is where that picture came from... I need to stop but being home alone doesn't help. Sigh.

I miss him. I miss him a lot.

This week I had quite a few of my friends with a status that read "___ weeks and craving ___." When I first read this I panicked. It made my heart hurt that even more of my friends were pregnant. I felt a wave of emotions that I feel every time someone announces their pregnancy. It hurt. I later got the message that explained it all. It was just a "game" where the month and day of your birthday is a category of weeks and food cravings based on the list in the message. Meaning since I was born May 4th I would have put "6 weeks and craving M&M's." I wanted to puke when I learned it was just a "game." Other mums-of-loss felt the same way. It hurt us that people would joke about pregnancy when we all were either TTC or cant get pregnant or their loss was recent. Pregnancy is not a joke and the topic is sensitive for many women.

Four month anniversary of losing Riley plus this "game" plus seeing "auntie flow" has really set me on edge yesterday and today. I'm forever thankful for my amazing husband, who seriously has been utterly great lately. I don't know where I would be without him. I know the Lord has plans through this all. He has a reason for everything. I know that my baby boy is in heaven with him right now. Its the only sense of peace I can find in this. God knows how I am feeling and he will never leave me. Thankful.

Two Weeks

At 1:00pm today I was supposed to be having my ultrasound to hear the babies heart. Today was supposed to be the day I saw Riley dancing in my tummy. It was supposed to be the first pictures of him with his proud mommy and daddy looking on. Instead we are remembering two weeks ago we lost Riley. We are remembering that Riley is dancing in heaven, not in my belly. Its harder than I thought to come to this day. I had to call my doctor to cancel the appointment because I couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. I guess I still had an inkling of a hope that they were wrong, even though I knew they weren't.

Most people have been wonderfully sweet. I have received many kind words and prayers. I have even had a bouquets of flowers sent to us. One of the most beautiful bouquets I have ever seen came from our Calvary family. I also was given an "In Memory of Riley" plant, gerbera daisies our wedding flower. I have had support from all directions. I have even joined a counseling group for grieving mothers and they have been absolutely wonderful. There is always a cloud in the midst of all this wonderfulness though and it tends to be people who are like this:




Not exactly what helps... They try but all they do is is hurt. Sometimes its better to say nothing except, "I'm sorry" than to risk hurting the person you are trying to comfort. When I start to feel a bit better, like I actually have control over my emotions, someone goes and knocks my feet out from under me with a snide comment about how I should be "over it" by now. Sorry to say but you never "get over" the loss of a child so please don't tell me to. Unless you have been there you cant even slightly understand and if you have been there you have to remember that grief is different for everyone. Some people are fine right away and a few months later just have a complete breakdown. Some people mourn and cry right away but a few months later are pulling themselves back together. Some take years to heal while some start to heal in weeks. Sometimes its a one step forward two steps back thing.

I think that's where I am at. The moment I feel like I can laugh again, like really laugh, something reminds me of Riley. I was laughing at a video yesterday and it felt good. Then a commercial popped up and it was a commercial with a baby lion in it. It broke me into tears. Riley's name means valiant or lion-hearted so anything to do with knights or lions makes me cry. I think someday it will turn into a sign of peace but for right now its just the salt on the wound. It heals because it reminds me that its there but it burns because the wound is still so real. I just pray that I will never forget my first baby and I pray that he will be waiting there at Home when I get there too.

Mundane

Today has been very mundane. Not good, not bad; just existing I guess. Its been a long few weeks and I have so much to do before we let out for summer. I can hardly consentrate on the task at hand because my mind always seems to want to think about nothing but Riley. If I got paid to think about Riley I would have made millions in the last two weeks.

The end of the school year is drawing near and that means I have the summer off for work. My last day is June 2nd. It is very relieving to know I will have a few weeks to just exist and not have any real obligations. We plan on vacationing with my parents sometime and his parents are coming out to visit in June. It will be nice to be able to spend some time with family. We are also trying to see of we can make it out to Maryland where Andrews family is for Christmas. I guess this year is all about family time. Its a good thing because Andrew and I are very family oriented but its hard for me because I know there will always be one family member missing from all of the joyous occasions.

Tomorrow will be the two week mark on the day we lost Riley. Its hard to wrap my head around that we will not be bringing our baby home this winter. Rileys due date was the end of December begining of January (December 30st to January 3rd). Riley porbably would have been a New Years baby. What a wonderful way to celebrate the new year... Until we meet you in heaven baby.

Whats in a name?

This is the first article of maternity clothing I planned on buying. If you arent already familiar with this style it is very Harry Potter -ish. Being in the gryffindor house it means that your biggest attribute is being courageous.

"You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry Set Gryffindors apart"

-The Sorting Hat

I'm in the Gryffindor house and Andrew is a Hufflepuff, if you didnt know. Anyone that knows me knows that I love knights, chivalry and brave hearts. I wanted nothing less for my baby. This is why we named him Riley. Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. I just know he is a man of honor, bravery and good character. Cheesy, yea of course but thats okay. All of my childrens names are picked for a reason. All of them have to do with being honorable, courageous, royalty, and chivalrous.

oh, and btw this shirt was made by eco maternity if you were curious.

To say or not to say...

Updated on 12/2/11: Missing Riley, Brielle and Maia.

Some people wonder what can you say or what should you say when a friend or loved one has lost their baby? This is just a simple list of things that in most cases would be okay to say and a list of things you shouldnt say.

It is of course different for each mother going through it and each father. It depends on her greiving process. The best thing you can do is listen and dont judge her based on her emotions. If she wants to cry, let her cry. If she gets angry, help her work through that anger. If she blames herself, reassure her. If she screams and wails, let her and dont leave her. Just listen. Going through this has taught me that the absolute best thing you can do for someone is to listen to whatever they have to say even if it takes hours. Just sit with them and love them. Dont try to "fix" them or get them to stop crying. Dont pretend like it didnt happen. Recognize the baby by the name if they chose to name the baby. Urge them to take care of themselves and eat. Urge them to seek counseling if you feel like you cant listen enough or if they are showing suicidal tendencies. Many women are depressed for a few weeks, while some women take months, years or never heal. Losing a child is one of the hardest things someone has to go through, regardless of the age the child is loved and treasured.


Things okay to say:

1. "Im so sorry."
2. "I'm here to listen."
3. "It's not your fault."
4. "I love you and am praying for you."
5. "Can I pray with you?"
6. "Do you want to talk about it?"
7. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
8. "We love and miss Riley, Brielle and Maia too." (call the baby by his or her name).
9. "Can I cry with you?"
10. "Can I give you a hug?"
11. "It's okay to cry and be sad/upset/angry/tired/hurt/etc."
12. "It sucks and I wish I could change it."

Things NOT to say:

1. "You can try again later." (That doesn't change the fact that we miss this baby right now, one child doesn't replace another).
2. "You will have more children someday." (I repeat: one child doesn't replace another).
3. "You're strong you will get over it/past it." (you NEVER get "over" the death of your child).
4. "I've been through something similar... my dog died last week/I lost my job/my month sucks too/etc." (you better not compare the loss of my children to losing a dog... you may see a side of me you have never seen before).
5. "At least you werent too far along." (a baby is a baby no matter how small. Saying this is like saying its better to have your newborn die than your toddler).
6. "It's probably better it died because there may have been something wrong with it" (never ever, ever refer to the baby as an it and nothing was "wrong" with my baby).
7. "Someday you will have a chance to be a mom/dad" (she or he is already a mom or dad, dont belittle their baby in heaven).
8. "Miscarriage can be a good thing because you dont want a retarded baby. I know I wouldnt." (This should be self explainatory but yes, people have said this)
9. "How far along were you?" (It doesnt matter).
10. "You know my aunt/mom/sister/friend went through the same thing and went on to have more children." (Nice way to blow off the way the mother is feeling right now).
11. "Why do you name your miscarriages/blobs/fetus/etc?" (There was a BABY in there not a "blob" and I am not "naming my miscarriages" I am naming my children).
12. "Someday you will be a great mom." (are you saying that I am not a great mom now or that I am not a mom period?)

A long time...

This blog has been stagnant for what seems like an eternity; in reality its been two months. A lot has happened in that short time. My amazing husband and I found out that we were pregnant! We were excited and nervous. It happened a bit earlier than we expected but we were still thrilled to have a baby. Andrew went straight into "daddy-mode" and started planning. We started talking about how we would handle school, work, church and a new baby. We were scared but we knew we could do it. This baby was a miracle after all, not just because all babies are miracles but because of the fact it happened the absolute first time. I knew in my heart that God had planned this little one and that is how I knew we were going to make it. We were walking around target looking at the baby things we would need. We picked a brown and green theme that had matching set with a car seat, stroller, playpen, crib and everything. We found a little lamb that I begged for Andrew to buy me but he said we should wait until after the baby shower. I was so exited! That Sunday we told my parents. My dad was thrilled and he had to leave because he started to cry. I remember all the tear stained cheeks and the smiles and hugs. Our family was so excited for us. My brother poked by still-flat belly and said he was happy to be an uncle. My mother held my hand and my dad just beamed. Andrew stood next to me with a smile from ear to ear. Proud daddy already. Monday came and went. I was actually enjoying my pregnancy symptoms. Its strange but I loved the feeling that I needed to puke, I love the aching breasts and being sleepy all the time. I loved spending thirty minutes rolling around in bed trying to find a spot that was comfortable for me and wondering if the little baby was comfortable too. I called him skittle at this point because that was about how big he was. I dreamt of sitting in a rocker holding my tiny baby. That's all I wanted was that dream.

It breaks my heart to say but that dream wont come true yet. At a mere six weeks and four days I had to say goodbye to a part of my soul. We lost the baby. I am still mourning and a big mess. One week ago today was the day I was rushed to the emergency room. In three hours and a few minutes it will be the exact time I knew I lost our baby. People must be frustrated with me to no end because of the amount of tears that my eyes have rained.

May third, the day before my 22nd birthday, I started having abdominal pain that morning. I knew that some light cramping and being uncomfortable was normal so I welcomed this new symptom. I glowed all day and couldn't wait for the summer when we would tell everyone at our jobs about the baby (by then we would have a plan of either me staying home or working). At about 1pm I took my regular bathroom break. Walking there the cramps started to get worse but not anything big, but it was big. My stomach felt like someone was taking a screw driver too it and it looked like it too from all the blood (tmi, sorry). I fell to the floor in the bathroom alone and called my mom because she works with me. I couldn't get a word out of my mouth and my mom just said, "Ill be right there." It felt like forever but my mom was there in minutes to help me up. I was in so much pain and fear at that point. I managed to hide the tears and go and sit in her classroom while I called my husband and my mom called my doctor.

Andrew was there ten minutes later with a look of worry on his face. He was calm and collected like he always was but I saw through his mask and he was scared too. We tried to go to urgent care because its closer but they didn't have an ultrasound machine. We went to the er and I almost collapsed in pain on the floor. Two hours later I was seen by the doctor. My body was going into shock and my bp was 164/102 and my heart rate was at 134. I excused myself to use the restroom again and I saw that the bleeding stopped. I got my hopes up that maybe it was just something strange that happened and now the baby will be okay. The doctor was very kind and explained to me about all of the blood work, tests and ultrasounds I would be going through. She said she wanted me to get an iv. She did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed and there was no more bleeding, I was thrilled! That was such good news and I felt so much better.

I went through the ultrasound without a hitch. The bleeding was stopped so I assumed the baby was okay. I even joked a bit with Andrew about how I can never take the easy road. The ultrasound tech was nice but wouldn't let me see the screen. I was sneaky and watched the whole thing in the reflection in her glasses; she probably thought I was a creeper for staring so intently at her face. I saw my womb but couldn't see anything else. Maybe I wasn't far enough along to see the sack or maybe I missed it because it is hard to read an ultrasound when looking at it in a two inches by one inch glass reflection.

We went to another room and did the paperwork. The lady at the desk was so amazing and told me that she thought I would be fine and congratulations on the baby. She said she had a feeling that this would be the best birthday present I have ever got. We went into another room where they drew blood and I got my iv. The guy must have been new because he wasn't very good at it and it hurt a lot. I had a big bruise from the iv he gave me and I have never ever had a bruise from an iv. He put the bracelet on so tight it was leaving an indent on my wrist. Andrew and I chatted and talked about how nice it would be when the baby was here. He just held me while we waited for the test results.

The doctor called us back again and I was so distant it felt like watching it on a movie. She came in with a sad face and said I'm sorry its not good. She handed me paperwork and said a bunch of things I cant remember. I just cried and cried, short breathed quiet cries. I thought my heart was going to just fall out of my chest. The doctor said she was so sorry and gave me a hug. Andrew started to get teary eyed but stood strong for me. The doctor excused herself and asked the nurse to help me with my release papers.

The nurse said the absolute worst thing anyone could have ever said, "Not trying to be mean but its probably a good thing you miscarried because that means there was something wrong with it. You will get over it."At that point I just lost it. I sobbed hysterically, it was probably a good thing because if I had control over myself I would have hit her for calling my baby an it. She tried to take my bp and it was through the roof. She told me I needed to calm down, calm down?! I just cried even harder. I stared at Andrew wishing he would just tell her to leave. She stood there and clicked her pen and kept saying things like, "you need to stop crying... calm down... I'm not writing those numbers down because then they wont ever release you... calm down if you want to go home...we don't have time for this..." and finally she huffed and left to go get the doctor. Eventually I got my bp to 130/89 and they released me. As I left they handed me a bunch of papers that said Possible Miscarriage/Failed Pregnancy. It was NOT a failed pregnancy. I had not failed. Andrew had not failed. My baby had not failed. My pregnancy was not a failure by any means. My pregnancy was wanted, loved and cared for. My baby was wanted, loved and cared for.

I remember just sobbing for hours. I cant even remember the rest of that night. There was a slim chance that the baby was okay but I continued to be in pain and bleed. It was so bad every time I saw blood I thought I was going to puke and I stared crying all over again. Over the next few days I had another doctors appointment and they confirmed that my hcg levels have dropped which means I have already lost the baby for sure and that miscarriage was inevitable. It hurt so bad the emotional and the physical. I was devastated. I have cried on and off since then. Today is the first day since then that I have not sobbed, although it is only a little past 11 o'clock so we will see.

Andrew and I decided to name the baby that we loved so much.
Riley Faith Hudgins.

Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. Faith was picked because of the literal form of the word and it was after Andrews sisters middle name. He is our first baby and as of right now our only. He just beat us to heaven. I miss him so much and can hardly think of anything but him. I would give my right arm to just have 30 seconds to hold him and give him a kiss. I hope he knows that mommy and daddy love him more than life itself. We don't know the sex but I am convinced it was a boy. Riley, if you hear me saying "he" and you are a girl I am deeply sorry. I wish we could have had more time with you. We made you a memory box with a few little things, the first onsie I bought (it says 'dirt magnet'), the positive pregnancy tests, a little wood lion and a few others. Your daddy is creating a picture for us of forget-me-nots because Riley we will never ever ever forget you. On three canvases, you, me and daddy.

This was the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life but I am trusting that God knows what he is doing and I can trust him. It is hard. I have been sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, in denial, and so many other emotions I have never felt so deeply. I think I will continue to post about my feelings and missing Riley. I will also post a blog about things you should or shouldn't say to a mother or father who had just lost their baby. I think all of this will be a good release.

Pray for peace and quick healing for my body.
Pray we find shelter in the Lord during times of trouble.
Pray for strength in our marriage and patience for Andrew.
Pray for strength for me.