September 04, 2011


Four months ago yesterday. It was in the afternoon. In that horrid bathroom. Four months ago I lost Riley.
Four months... that means I would have been over five and a half months.

He would have been about eight inches long and over one pound.
He might have had hair, or if he took after me he would be bald. ;)
He would be old enough to hear my voice.
He would have been able to clench his fists and wiggle his fingers.
His fingerprints are only his.
I would have been feeling his hiccups and he would be able to smile.
I would have had a baby belly and feeling his kicks. 
I probably would have had an itchy growing belly and the start of backaches.

My belly would have looked close to this... (of course this isn't my picture; google).
Yea, as you can tell I am a bit bummed right now. Prayer is the only thing helping me keep my sanity. I know God has a plan for all of this but right now I just need a hug or something. Would love to go get myself a big piece of chocolate cake but I cant eat bleached flower because of a new "diet" the doctor has me on to help with my digestion issues. Its harder when it comes close to the third of the month, every month because that is the day I lost him. When the EDD comes up at the end of this year I have no idea what it will be like. I am dreading it in a way because it will be one more reminder of 'what isn't.' I keep looking up pregnancy information of how it would be if I was five and a half months pregnant. That is where that picture came from... I need to stop but being home alone doesn't help. Sigh.

I miss him. I miss him a lot.

This week I had quite a few of my friends with a status that read "___ weeks and craving ___." When I first read this I panicked. It made my heart hurt that even more of my friends were pregnant. I felt a wave of emotions that I feel every time someone announces their pregnancy. It hurt. I later got the message that explained it all. It was just a "game" where the month and day of your birthday is a category of weeks and food cravings based on the list in the message. Meaning since I was born May 4th I would have put "6 weeks and craving M&M's." I wanted to puke when I learned it was just a "game." Other mums-of-loss felt the same way. It hurt us that people would joke about pregnancy when we all were either TTC or cant get pregnant or their loss was recent. Pregnancy is not a joke and the topic is sensitive for many women.

Four month anniversary of losing Riley plus this "game" plus seeing "auntie flow" has really set me on edge yesterday and today. I'm forever thankful for my amazing husband, who seriously has been utterly great lately. I don't know where I would be without him. I know the Lord has plans through this all. He has a reason for everything. I know that my baby boy is in heaven with him right now. Its the only sense of peace I can find in this. God knows how I am feeling and he will never leave me. Thankful.

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