Tough Stuff

Updated: 12/05/11

A few years ago I thought I wanted to be a CNA (certified nursing assistant). I took the courses I needed and did my hours in an assisted living facility. I really loved it there and came to adore many of the people. This isn't about all the stories I have to tell about that place -which I have many- but of one lady there. One lady that confused my whole world. I wish I could remember her name but I can't. I can picture her face though. Curly hair and a funny demanding voice. That isn't what made her unique. What made her special was that she carried around a baby doll.

Yes, she was probably in her 60's or 70's and carried around a little doll. She said that this was her little boy and truly believed it. Some of the CNA's and nurses played along while others made fun of her for it and a few just ignored it all together. Some even decided that it was unhealthy and wanted to take the doll away. This lady had clothes for the baby doll and wore him in a carrier. She refused to do anything unless her baby was in the room with her. Even when she showered she had to have him right outside the shower to know that he was safe.

Never quite understanding where she came from I am sad to say I ignored it. I thought she was strange and didn't understand. I adored this lady and loved talking to her but I didn't understand why she would want to pretend this doll was her son. One nurse was especially kind to her and helped her bathe her baby in the sink. I watched both ladies gently wash the babies head and put the tiny clothes back on him. Amazed by how kind the nurse was to the lady everyone thought was crazy I asked her why she helped her. She told me that many years ago in life the lady's baby boy had died and when she had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's she forgot that the baby had died and kept asking for him. She would cry because she thought someone took her son. I believe it was her grown daughter that gave her this baby doll so she would stop crying and sleep through the night. The lady grew to love this baby like it really was her son so she kept him. It soothed her and mended her heart. It was that baby doll that helped her live.

Strange thing is I never truly understood why she could think the baby doll was real. Why she would want to live a "lie" and why would her family be okay with it. After losing Riley in May and the twins my arms truly ache wanting to hold a baby. Just any baby to hold and rock them for a moment to pretent that my babies are safe in my arms. To close my eyes and pretend for a moment that my heart isn't broken and life didn't turn out this way. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't heal my broken heart.

I may get some flack for this but I can understand why she wanted and needed the baby doll. In a moment of frustration and sadness a few nights ago I stuffed a pillow under my pajama shirt just to see what I would look like right now if I was still pregnant with Riley. I broke down in tears feeling crazy and missing something that never was. Half of me is embarassed to tell something so personal and the other half just wants to be honest with people. I don't allow myself to have these "crazy moments" often but they do happen. The heart ache of not having your baby in your arms is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. If pretending is what kept her going in her old age then I don't see a problem with it.

People look at me like I am crazy because I named my "miscarriages." I probably get made fun of like the lady with the baby doll. There are people who support me and people that make fun of me and mostly people that ignore me. That is okay with me. Naming my babies, yes they were real living itty-bitty babies, is what has helped me heal. When I can refer to them by name it helps my heart a little bit. It is the moment of confirmation that my babies were real. When months and years go by and people forget that they were ever here, I will always remember. I will always remember my first three babies, no matter how little they were. If you ever remember my babies just let me know. I promise that hearing their name will not make me sad, it will make me feel better because it is terribly hard to be a mother when you have no baby in your arms.

How can the same sound bring so much joy and so much pain, to the same heart,

in the same breathe?

A newborn’s cry. A toddler’s laugh. A mother’s scold.

Empty arms ache at the sound

Joy for you, with you

Pain for me, hope deferred, desire denied

 

The empty arms of a barren womb

Empty arms that laid Baby in a grave

Empty arms of life lost before it began...

Empty arms of choiceless singleness

 

You grumble about the kids you’ve got

I weep inside for the child I’ve lost

I distance myself, from you, from hurt

Hating myself, wishing I could give more

Plastered fake smile pains face and heart

I keep silent, believing you wouldn’t understand

The pain, the joy, the desire, the grief

 

Am I the only one that struggles this way?

Does anyone know the volatile emotions I hide?

Will the grief, the longing, the pain ever end?

Where can I find healing, wholeness, hope?

 

There at the cross of Jesus Christ

I see arms stretched out, open wide

Empty arms

Empty arms like mine

 

Empty arms offering comfort in grief

Empty arms providing forgiveness for sin

Empty arms bringing healing and wholeness

Empty arms with power to unlock the womb

Empty arms giving love for loneliness, hope, joy, peace

Empty arms exchanging death for life

 

Christ’s empty arms are open to you

To fill your empty arms.

--unknown

Winter

If you don't already know, winter is my favorite season. Seriously, I love everything about winter. The slow music cuddling on the couch with a book and hot chocolate or in my case, tea. Lovely, wonderful, hot tea. Scarves are pretty much my favorite clothing item, not accessory but clothing item. I would have shelves of the if I was rich. I love the cold weather and seeing my breath. Being all bundled up to go to the store and saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" and right after "Merry Christmas!" I love saying it so much sometimes even after Christmas I still say it because I forget it already happened. Forget the gifts I love The Reason for the season (more like The Reason for everything). I love seeing family over and over and over again. I think they must be sick of me by January. I love visiting the snow (Thanking God I don't live in it). Sleeping with the windows open at night... amazing, especially when you get to wake up next to a handsome personal heater.

This season will be extremely hard this year though... Riley's original due date was just a few days after Christmas, December 27th, my supposed-to-be Christmas baby. Brielle would have been twelve weeks this Friday and we were going to announce the pregnancy at Thanksgiving, my little Junebug. This is the first holiday season without our babies. As of today we are a family of four but only two are on earth. I ache wanting them here with me but I am grateful that they are able to be in heaven with Jesus. I am trying to lay my own feelings aside and accepting what is best for my babies.

It means that there is one more Christmas that I don't have my babies in my arms... My kiddos from across the ocean are still without me and it makes my heart hurt. All of my children are so far. Some are across the ocean and some are in heaven. I feel like pieces of me are missing and right now there isn't much I can do about it. Jesus has been doing a work on my heart, bringing a sense of peace I didn't know was possible. I feel internally at peace but at the same time he is building a fire inside that is burning brighter everday. When I figure out what this fire is burning for I know I will feel more complete. Missing pieces of the puzzle coming together.

 Making myself smile by taking a Christmas survey:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Tea :)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa is my grandpa so Mrs. Clause and he wraps them.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White, almost all of our decorations are all white snow and silver colored.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope, there might be nargles in them.

5. When do you put your decorations up? I wanted to do it this past weekend but it was to early, so probably the weekend after Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? I love dark meat turkey, green beans with onions, and homemade mashed potatoes.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Christmas was always amazing when you grew up with Sanda as your grandpa.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I grew up knowing Santa wasn't really real but that he was related to me... strange upbringing haha

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Only if it was the time we were celebrating with part of my family.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? We have an "ornament of the year" which stands for something. Last year it was a carved giraffe and this year we have two. Riley's is a little lion and Brielle's is an angel.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I love to visit it :)

12. Can you ice skate? Psh, no way. Do you know how clumsy I am?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I have always liked all of them.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Jesus, family and friends.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pie and coffee.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Hanging out in our PJ's at my parents house eating breakfast before opening presents.

17. What tops your tree? Nothing haha

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Giving. I would much rather do Operation Christmas Child or Angel Tree or Doves than recieve presents.

19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Yum!

20. Favorite Christmas show? I don't think I have one.

21. Saddest Christmas Song? Christmas Shoes

22. What is your favorite Christmas song? Anything about The Reason!

"Birthday"

Brielle Grace

"born" into the arms of Jesus on 11/07/11 at 9:14pm
at nine weeks three days.

Rememberance date is 11/04/11;
the day the doctor confirmed her heart had stopped.

Another Heartbreak or a Miracle?

I always thought when I finally posted this subject that it would be with joy and anticipation. I have spoken of this once before and it was of pure heartbreak and I am afraid I have to say that this time it is in probable heartbreak again. October 1st we found out that we are having a baby! The baby is due June 8th of 2012. We decided to nickname the baby Bug because he or she was due in June and therefore was our little Junebug. We were overjoyed. Andrew was so excited and he started to plan everything. He prayed for Bug everyday and was a true Man-of-God. He treated me like a queen and he was my backbone. Words  couldn't even describe how happy we were. We wanted to tell the whole world our news, "Our RAINBOW baby is on his or her way!" We hoped this was God blessing us. One glory baby and one earthly baby.

A week and a half ago my mom took me to the ER because I started spotting. My doctor said this is very common but because I was seven weeks she wanted to get me checked out. The blood work came back okay with solid HCG levels. We went in for the ultrasound and found out Bug wasn't growing properly. Bug was too small to be seven weeks. The ER NP told me that I may miscarry because Bug is too small or I may just be a week or two earlier than we thought.

I cried all the way home because I thought we would lose our second baby, our little Junebug. I have one baby that went straight from womb to heaven and I was not ready to let my second baby go. I sobbed and I begged God to save this baby. I offered my life instead. It sounds odd but I was trying to barter with God saying that if he let this baby be born and healthy I would gladly give my life up for my baby. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. At this time the bleeding stopped and I had hope. The ER NP put me on bed rest for the rest of the weekend and gave me the rest of the week of bed rest if I started bleeding again. We continued to pray.

Andrew and I cried together and prayed together. We spent the entire night praying and crying. Clinging to the hope that God promises to take care of his children. He said that if you ask you will received and so we asked and asked and begged him to let us keep this child. To heal this baby and heal my body so it could take care of the baby. Andrew was my prayer warrior and just held me as I cried.

I made a doctors appointment for Monday as a follow up. They had me do more blood work. I saw a different doctor than my regular obgyn but she seemed really hopeful. She had a student shadowing her and the student agreed that it looked like I was just earlier than we thought I was and that everything would be okay. They did notice my urine test was off and had ketones so they had me chance my diet. I was on a rotating carb and protein every two hours. I was supposed to drink 3/4 of a gallon to a whole gallon a day. They said that I was losing weight because the baby was sucking up all my nutrients. I gladly changed my died and started to eat around the clock. My weight didn't change much but I started to feel better. I felt confidant that things would be better.

 I stayed home through Monday and went back to work Tuesday and Wednesday. Pelvic rest, not to be on my feet longer than 15 minutes at a time, no lifting anything heavier than 7lbs, eating around the clock still and I had to agree to go straight home if more bleeding started. Wednesday afternoon I started spotting again and went home. I called my doc and made another appointment, earlier than the one I already had scheduled.

I was on bed rest until Friday and that was horrible to just sit there and lay there all day with nothing to do but think about Bug. My heart was breaking out of fear that we would lose Bug the same way that we lost Riley. I kept thinking about my first baby and looking at his memory box and crying. I wanted Bug to be my rainbow baby so bad. Andrew wanted this to be our earthly baby  so bad. Andrew took care of me for those days. I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a good thing he was there because I could not have survived those days if it wasn't for him taking care of me. I am forever grateful to my amazing husband, the father of my two babies. Friday morning came and Andrew took me to my doctors appointment. The doctor told me that it was unlikely that we would be able to see the baby let alone a heartbeat because of all the bleeding. The tech told me that it would probably look the same as the ultrasound at the ER.  

The tech started doing an ultrasound and immediately stopped. She said, "I saw a fetal pole, we will do an internal to try to catch the heartbeat." I was floored. I started sobbing on the bed and she thought I was choking. I saw on the screen that Bug was there and she said she thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but it wasn't steady so she couldn't count the beats. She said, "yup, you are probably just earlier than we thought!" She took lots of pictures but Bug kept hiding. I was so excited to see our little baby. At the ER they wont let you see the ultrasound because its an emergency ultrasound so this was the first time we saw our baby. The gestational sack was small but the yolk sac was good size and Bug was there. The baby kept hiding behind the yolk sac and she couldn't get the machine to hold still but we still saw Bug! My heart soared that we finally were able to see our second child. I felt better about the pregnancy. This was a miracle because we never even had a picture of Riley. The only ultrasound we had was the one at the ER. This time we have pictures of the Baby even after the doctor said we probably wont be able to see a heartbeat we saw the flicker! A little miracle we are forever thankful for.

That was until two days later I started bleeding really heavily. TMI: I started clotting and this is what scares me the most. Many pregnancies bleed, in fact about 30-40% of women spot at least once during the first trimester. I am still bleeding and clotting at the moment. We have an ultrasound this Friday, November 4th, to see if the baby is still there or the baby has already passed on. I will be 9 weeks this Friday. The doctor told us that the baby has about a 1% chance of surviving because of the low HCG levels, Bug was measuring small and didn't have a steady heartbeat at 8 weeks.

We are all praying that a miracle is in Gods will and this baby will be our first earthly baby. I have spent much time being depressed, sad, angry, frustrated, more anger, and everything there is. I have spent hours in prayer begging God for this child. Now all we can do is wait to see if Bug is in His will or if we will have another Glory Baby.

Just waiting and praying for a miracle...

God is Faithful

Even when I start to doubt I need to remember that God is faithful and he has a plan for my life. Some days are harder than others but in the end He is faithful.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."
Deuteronomy 7:9

Andrew and I have bought plane tickets to spend Christmas in Maryland with his family. We haven't been to Maryland in three years and haven't seen any of his friends and family and this time we get to spend ten days there! We are so excited to be able to visit friends and family over the holiday. It will be bittersweet because while we are there we will be celebrating Riley's due date. He was supposed to be a Christmas baby and this is the first Christmas that I will spend without him. December 27th is going to be really hard for me. That was the due date the doctor told us we may be holding our baby in our arms. Instead though Jesus is holding him for me. We are really praying that we have good news to share on Christmas day but we are just waiting for Gods plan in all of this.

We may be out the running for a mayflower but that doesn't mean I will stop praying for a cute little junebug or a fireworkbaby or a summerbaby or a saphirebaby or pumpkinbaby or whatever God has instore for us to bring home though. Sometimes its hard to trust when you have no idea what is going on. I just have faith that He can see the big picture. I know He has a purpose for all of this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Anyways we are still really happy and excited that we are going to go visit his family. We miss them a lot and it is a totally Gods blessing that we are able to go this year. He has provided us with so much its impossible to not be thankful. We are hoping for a white Christmas because I have never seen snow on Christmas before. We do live in Arizona where all you need is a sweater in the middle of winter. What a beautiful day it would be to have powder snow on the ground, family and friends all around and a great surprise to tell everyone. Even if we have no surprise to share we will be amazingly blessed to have this opportunity.

I am already in the Christmas spirit! I am wanting to wear sweaters and scarves. Excited to go to Maryland I want to pack already, I am one of those strange people that LOVE to pack. I really really love it. I am ready for snow and cold weather. I am ready to celebrate the birth of my Savior with my family. It is one of my favorite times of the year. God is good through all the storms, I am hoping and praying it is time for my rainbow.

When You Call He Will Answer

I'm sitting here trying not to cry. I feel like my heart is about to explode with gratitude and I want to dance and sing and worship him right now. I can't do that at the moment because I am trying to whip this out really fast because I am at work (so please ignore the spelling and grammatical errors).

God has a plan for each of us in our lives. He works all things together for good. That doesn't mean there wont be struggle or pain but all things will be for His glory. When we strive to be more like Him and have a relationship with Him things in life WILL change. We have to be willing to get on our hands and knees to scrub a little harder with a little extra elbow grease and have the faith that everything will turn out according to his plan. We have to be willing to MOVE. Well, this week I moved and trusted that He would take care of everything.

"For they all made us afraid, saying, Their hands shall be weakened from the work, that it be not done. Now therefore, O God, strengthen my hands." Nehemiah 6:9

Well, He did take care of everything. I asked facebook friends to pray for this little boy that I knew. I couldn't give any details about the situation but I just asked them to pray. Those prayers were answered in a humbling and beautiful way. Our Daddy takes care of His children. I am so moved that things happened so fast and that prayers were answered with an outstanding Yes! All for His Glory. I am just in awe of how things are working. I am such a Peter, I doubt and I fret and I worry and and I panic and I stress and here He is taking it all under control once again. It is just another thing that goes to show how active He is and how prayer is a relationship builder. This situation could NOT have been resolved if it wasn't for Him because no man could fix this problem.

"And he said unto them, Cast the net on the right side of the ship, and ye shall find. They cast therefore, and now they were not able to draw it for the multitude of fishes." John 21:6

Don't tell God how big your problems are; tell your problems how big your God is.

What a Character...

There are two things about me that most people do not know. Unless you one of my closest friends this these topics may have never came up.

1. I am a lucid dreamer
2. I am an avid writer.

Lucid dream: •A lucid dream is a dream in which the sleeper is aware that she or he is dreaming. When the dreamer is lucid, she or he can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment.

Avid writer: •A writer is anyone who creates a written work, though the word usually designates those who write creatively or professionally, as well as those who have written in many different forms.

When you put those two together, what do you get? A writer that creates the world she writes about in her dreams. I am not like Stephanie Meyer where I have a dream and then write about it. I am something a tad different. I actually create my story in my dream and then write it out. Personally, it is the best way for me to test out my characters and the world that they live in. Is it strange? yea, but what about me isn't a little bit off. Well, I have been working on a new story for about a month now and it feels like it is taking an eternity to work itself out. Before I even start writing I plan out each and every character that will appear in my book. I want to get a feel for who they are, what they like, the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they look, how they act, how they respond to others. This process always takes a while but this one I just cant my main character into concrete.

Last night I had a dream about The Girl (my main character) and her fighting. Just fighting, fighting bears, fighting witches, fighting spiders, fighting dragons, fighting men, just about anything and everything she was fighting. Normally part of my dreaming is control. That is what separates normal dreaming and lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is controlling and shaping the dream as you please but no matter how hard I tried to control this dream it just wouldnt form the way that I wanted. I think she is going to be one hell of a character to write about. She feels like she is already her own person. Someone I would love to have a conversation with her. The best part about the dream is I finally saw what she looked like. I wish I was more of a talented artist because I would draw her but she looked a mix of Emily Browning and a young Mia Wasikowska. I am very excited I have finally "met" my main character.

Emily Browning

Mia Wasikowska

Fifty-three Million

If 53 million children disappeared from the earth, would you notice?

If 53 million lives were gone, would you care?

If 53 million people were thrown away, would you do something?

Today marks the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. As of January 22, 1973 there are 53 million voices silenced because of something we call choice.

Abortion is a very sensitive topic for many people to discuss. There are many different stances on it. There are prolife people, prochoice people, prodeath people, medical prochoice people, in the case rape or incest prochoice people, and others.

My belief is that ALL human beings deserve equal rights. The most basic right we have is the right to life. I dont think we should be judging people on their age, size, location or appearance. Life is the most basic right, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..." But why is it only some humans have those rights? I stand for equal human rights.


This is what abortion does. Abortion means that one person is better than another. One life is more important than another. Abortion is saying, "I have the right to end you life just for convenience because I dont want to have to deal with you."

I know all human life is special and needs to be seen as something good. Life is good. Human life is good. God created us and said that it was good. Ending these lives for the sake of choice is throwing the natural order to life into oblivion. Over 95% of abortions occur because the mother just decides she doesnt want to be pregnant anymore. Less than 1% is because of rape or incest and 1% is because of fetal abnormalities.

(http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/psrh/full/3711005.pdf)

There are millions and millions of lives being thrown away just for convenience... one life is more important than another. This is what America believes in, is it? Does America believe that some people are better than others? That older people are better than younger people? That bigger people are better than smaller people? That 'normal' looking people are better than less developed looking people? Is this really what our country stands for? It appalls me that we are legally allowed to end a human life because of how old that human is; taking in no regard for that individual human life.

Science states that life begins at conception. Prenatal development text books used in medical school state that human life begins at conception. Here is just five medical professors that say the point of life is able to be pinpointed:

"It is incorrect to say that biological data cannot be decisive...It is scientifically correct to say that an individual human life begins at conception."
-Professor Micheline Matthews
Roth Harvard University Medical School

"I have learned from my earliest medical education that human life begins at the time of conception."
-Dr. Alfred M. Bongioanni
Professor of Pediatrics and Obstetrics, University of Pennsylvania

"After fertilization has taken place a new human being has come into being. [It] is no longer a matter of taste or opinion...it is plain experimental evidence. Each individual has a very neat beginning, at conception."
-Dr. Jerome LeJeune
Professor of Genetics, University of Descartes

"By all the criteria of modern molecular biology, life is present from the moment of conception."
-Professor Hymie Gordon
Mayo Clinic

"The beginning of a single human life is from a biological point of view a simple and straightforward matter – the beginning is conception."
-Dr. Watson A. Bowes
University of Colorado Medical School


So even science states that human life begins at conception and we still cant seem to grasp the idea that abortion is ending these human lives.

We also dont know the repercussions of what abortion does to a society or the human race as a whole. When one out of three lives are missing from America, I think it would effect things. I hope this makes you think: