November 23, 2011

The Difference Between One and Two

A few days ago I had someone ask me if the second miscarriage is easier than the first because I knew what to expect? I was shocked.

Lets reword this question: Is watching your second child die easier because you knew what it was like watching your first?

The first one is considered "normal" but at twenty-two years old and had two baby losses in six months the doctors get concerned. Two hurts more because it is not only the loss of a second child but the fear that you will be one of the few that will not be able to carry a baby. It is the fear that all of my biological children will die inside of me. The fear that consumes all of me that it was my fault Riley and Brielle didn't make it. That my body failed me, failed my husband, failed my family and most of all, that it failed my children. That feeling is indescribably. It was out of my hands both times. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have any caffeine. We eat organic, I took my vitamins and ate healthy. I didn't stress out, overwork myself or do anything harmful. I did exactly what the doctors said and still my body failed me. Failing hurts more than words can say.

Unless you have lost more than one child you might not understand, please don't tell me you know what it is like. Just like I cannot tell a woman, who has lost three, four, five or more, I know what it is like. We can mourn together but not understand what they are going through.

I wouldn't wish this on my greatest enemy. I know there have been many women in a similar place and it breaks my heart knowing they have been through this. I have been sad for so long I can't remember living without heartbreak. Weeks without Brielle, months without Riley and years without my children period. Years of missing a child who I have never felt, heard or touched. Missing a place that I have never been. Home is so far away just as my children are. That pain resonates in my very being. God has healed but the scars remain. He has used this heartache to shape who I am and who I am becoming. I would not be who I am if I did not have my two babies in heaven.

So, yes the difference between one and two is huge. 

No comments:

Post a Comment