November 28, 2011

December is almost here...

So it is the Monday after Thanksgiving...

It was great having five days off to recoup. The school where I work for was out Wednesday instead of just Thursday. I needed those days, especially because Wednesday night I got sick! I have a horrid head cold and no voice. I have been dubbed Chipmunk because I squeak when I talk. It could always be worst. Lexi from Muzungu Mama Ministries and her daugter both have malaria! So I don't feel okay with whining about a silly little cold.

Thanksgiving was okay. I loved seeing friends and family. It was nice getting to know my cousins fiance a little better. My other cousin is 32 (almost) weeks pregnant and looks amazing. She is simply glowing. The little cousins are not so little anymore and the family is still growing. I was so proud of myself because I only cried twice that day and only hid in the bathroom once (high five for me). Sometimes its hard being around family because my heart knows that my two little ones are missing. I wish I was about to pop (Riley's due date was 12/27/11) or even just a glorious 12 weeks pregnant with Brielle. But I guess God has different plans for me.

The Monday before Thanksgiving I had the honor of going to Zoo Lights with a friend of mine and her family. It was a great time and I adore her neice and nephew.

Emily and I waiting while the kiddos were on the carousel

For Bug, our little Brielle

Roaring lion for our Riley
It was a lot of fun to be able to just hang out. Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. Half of me is normal ole Katlyn who is happy, loves to read books, hang out, travel, and the other half of me feels like a failure of a mother, confused, hurting person who does nothing but cry. Confused because I don't know what God is doing with our lives and unsure where we are going. I trust that He knows the way to the "park" (inside joke from our last teaching at church from Pastor Jeremiah -love when he teaches!). It is hard to focus on the destination when you feel so lost. I have no idea where we are going. I know very little about our future: we want to adopt. That is all I know. No idea if we will try again for biological children. No idea if we will buy a house. No idea if we will travel. No idea if we will teach in Africa. No idea if I am going to finish school. No idea of anything anymore. Being wholly reliant on God can be scary. Being lost ni the darkness of mourning and fear with only a lamp on my feet and I cannot see five feet in front of my face is scary. I have no idea what 2012 will bring but we are trusting that He knows the plan.

Now we are into the Christmas season. Always remember The Reason for the season :)

1 comment:

  1. God gives you heartache, not to make you hurt, but instead to do to you so he can work through you. Gods plan isn't always easy, but trust that even through the pain be holds your hand and is guiding you thru the darkness.