November 18, 2011

Two Weeks (again)

I should have been 11 weeks today.

I never thought I would be writing a post like this again. It's harder this time around because I am just numb to it all. Two weeks ago today we found out that Brielle's heart had stopped at exactly nine weeks. Two weeks ago this morning I knew my baby was gone. I knew I was carrying my dead baby's body inside of me. The symptoms were still kicking my butt and it was painful to know that I had these symptoms for "no reason." Andrew and I were able to see the baby one last time on the ultrasound. They gave us two more small ultrasound pictures and we have these framed by her memory box. The sac was already collapsing so the pictures aren't the greatest but I am appreciative we have some picture of it all.

The offered us cytotec to induce contractions for my uterus to expell the "pregnancy tissue" but I denied it. I just couldnt force my baby, even though she was dead, into the world. It was the same medication that they give women to abort their children. I just couldn't do it. I had fought for Brielle from the begining with everything I had. Every sick moment, head ache, back ache, every vomit, strange symptom, I would do it all again for just nine more weeks with her. I would relive every moment even if I knew at the end I would lose her. I just want a few moments to be pregnant and happy and know she is safe and growing inside my womb.

Today hurts.
My heart aches and my head hurts.
Knowing it has been two whole weeks since Brielle's heart stopped is hard because I feel so numb.
It's still hard to wrap my head around it because I still have some remnants of the pregnancy.
My HCG isnt below zero yet so I still sometimes have pregnancy symptoms.

The worst thing though is I can't even cry today.
I miss her so much but I can't cry. Does that make me a terrible mother?
I really have no more words for today.


  1. IT doesn't make you a bad mother hun, not at all it makes you human. When I was pregnant the second time around I didn't even tell anyone for fear of miscarrying. When I did miscarry I was so numb, Mike would be next to me crying and I just couldn't cry or comfort him. I wouldn't allow myself to feel the pain I was in. We tried again right away and now we have Aidan. I think me being numb caused me not to stress, I almost expected to miscarry and put little thought into being pregnant until my second trimester. I didn't even go to the doctor until I was 11 weeks and this is when they found out my progesterone was low. My point of telling you this is so you don't feel bad for being numb, its normal to feel numb after your hearts been broken so badly. I still fear something bad is going to happen to Aidan on a daily basis, but I thank God daily that he has kept him safe and here with me.

  2. I try not to feel bad. I have moments when I cry but sometimes it's just too hard to cry because it hurts to much. I feel peace for my babies so maybe that is why I can't really cry much. I know where they are so I didn't "lose" them. I am only sad because I miss them.