I should have been 11 weeks today.
I never thought I would be writing a post like this again. It's harder this time around because I am just numb to it all. Two weeks ago today we found out that Brielle's heart had stopped at exactly nine weeks. Two weeks ago this morning I knew my baby was gone. I knew I was carrying my dead baby's body inside of me. The symptoms were still kicking my butt and it was painful to know that I had these symptoms for "no reason." Andrew and I were able to see the baby one last time on the ultrasound. They gave us two more small ultrasound pictures and we have these framed by her memory box. The sac was already collapsing so the pictures aren't the greatest but I am appreciative we have some picture of it all.
The offered us cytotec to induce contractions for my uterus to expell the "pregnancy tissue" but I denied it. I just couldnt force my baby, even though she was dead, into the world. It was the same medication that they give women to abort their children. I just couldn't do it. I had fought for Brielle from the begining with everything I had. Every sick moment, head ache, back ache, every vomit, strange symptom, I would do it all again for just nine more weeks with her. I would relive every moment even if I knew at the end I would lose her. I just want a few moments to be pregnant and happy and know she is safe and growing inside my womb.
My heart aches and my head hurts.
Knowing it has been two whole weeks since Brielle's heart stopped is hard because I feel so numb.
It's still hard to wrap my head around it because I still have some remnants of the pregnancy.
My HCG isnt below zero yet so I still sometimes have pregnancy symptoms.
The worst thing though is I can't even cry today.
I miss her so much but I can't cry. Does that make me a terrible mother?