May 10, 2011

A long time...

This blog has been stagnant for what seems like an eternity; in reality its been two months. A lot has happened in that short time. My amazing husband and I found out that we were pregnant! We were excited and nervous. It happened a bit earlier than we expected but we were still thrilled to have a baby. Andrew went straight into "daddy-mode" and started planning. We started talking about how we would handle school, work, church and a new baby. We were scared but we knew we could do it. This baby was a miracle after all, not just because all babies are miracles but because of the fact it happened the absolute first time. I knew in my heart that God had planned this little one and that is how I knew we were going to make it. We were walking around target looking at the baby things we would need. We picked a brown and green theme that had matching set with a car seat, stroller, playpen, crib and everything. We found a little lamb that I begged for Andrew to buy me but he said we should wait until after the baby shower. I was so exited! That Sunday we told my parents. My dad was thrilled and he had to leave because he started to cry. I remember all the tear stained cheeks and the smiles and hugs. Our family was so excited for us. My brother poked by still-flat belly and said he was happy to be an uncle. My mother held my hand and my dad just beamed. Andrew stood next to me with a smile from ear to ear. Proud daddy already. Monday came and went. I was actually enjoying my pregnancy symptoms. Its strange but I loved the feeling that I needed to puke, I love the aching breasts and being sleepy all the time. I loved spending thirty minutes rolling around in bed trying to find a spot that was comfortable for me and wondering if the little baby was comfortable too. I called him skittle at this point because that was about how big he was. I dreamt of sitting in a rocker holding my tiny baby. That's all I wanted was that dream.

It breaks my heart to say but that dream wont come true yet. At a mere six weeks and four days I had to say goodbye to a part of my soul. We lost the baby. I am still mourning and a big mess. One week ago today was the day I was rushed to the emergency room. In three hours and a few minutes it will be the exact time I knew I lost our baby. People must be frustrated with me to no end because of the amount of tears that my eyes have rained.

May third, the day before my 22nd birthday, I started having abdominal pain that morning. I knew that some light cramping and being uncomfortable was normal so I welcomed this new symptom. I glowed all day and couldn't wait for the summer when we would tell everyone at our jobs about the baby (by then we would have a plan of either me staying home or working). At about 1pm I took my regular bathroom break. Walking there the cramps started to get worse but not anything big, but it was big. My stomach felt like someone was taking a screw driver too it and it looked like it too from all the blood (tmi, sorry). I fell to the floor in the bathroom alone and called my mom because she works with me. I couldn't get a word out of my mouth and my mom just said, "Ill be right there." It felt like forever but my mom was there in minutes to help me up. I was in so much pain and fear at that point. I managed to hide the tears and go and sit in her classroom while I called my husband and my mom called my doctor.

Andrew was there ten minutes later with a look of worry on his face. He was calm and collected like he always was but I saw through his mask and he was scared too. We tried to go to urgent care because its closer but they didn't have an ultrasound machine. We went to the er and I almost collapsed in pain on the floor. Two hours later I was seen by the doctor. My body was going into shock and my bp was 164/102 and my heart rate was at 134. I excused myself to use the restroom again and I saw that the bleeding stopped. I got my hopes up that maybe it was just something strange that happened and now the baby will be okay. The doctor was very kind and explained to me about all of the blood work, tests and ultrasounds I would be going through. She said she wanted me to get an iv. She did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed and there was no more bleeding, I was thrilled! That was such good news and I felt so much better.

I went through the ultrasound without a hitch. The bleeding was stopped so I assumed the baby was okay. I even joked a bit with Andrew about how I can never take the easy road. The ultrasound tech was nice but wouldn't let me see the screen. I was sneaky and watched the whole thing in the reflection in her glasses; she probably thought I was a creeper for staring so intently at her face. I saw my womb but couldn't see anything else. Maybe I wasn't far enough along to see the sack or maybe I missed it because it is hard to read an ultrasound when looking at it in a two inches by one inch glass reflection.

We went to another room and did the paperwork. The lady at the desk was so amazing and told me that she thought I would be fine and congratulations on the baby. She said she had a feeling that this would be the best birthday present I have ever got. We went into another room where they drew blood and I got my iv. The guy must have been new because he wasn't very good at it and it hurt a lot. I had a big bruise from the iv he gave me and I have never ever had a bruise from an iv. He put the bracelet on so tight it was leaving an indent on my wrist. Andrew and I chatted and talked about how nice it would be when the baby was here. He just held me while we waited for the test results.

The doctor called us back again and I was so distant it felt like watching it on a movie. She came in with a sad face and said I'm sorry its not good. She handed me paperwork and said a bunch of things I cant remember. I just cried and cried, short breathed quiet cries. I thought my heart was going to just fall out of my chest. The doctor said she was so sorry and gave me a hug. Andrew started to get teary eyed but stood strong for me. The doctor excused herself and asked the nurse to help me with my release papers.

The nurse said the absolute worst thing anyone could have ever said, "Not trying to be mean but its probably a good thing you miscarried because that means there was something wrong with it. You will get over it."At that point I just lost it. I sobbed hysterically, it was probably a good thing because if I had control over myself I would have hit her for calling my baby an it. She tried to take my bp and it was through the roof. She told me I needed to calm down, calm down?! I just cried even harder. I stared at Andrew wishing he would just tell her to leave. She stood there and clicked her pen and kept saying things like, "you need to stop crying... calm down... I'm not writing those numbers down because then they wont ever release you... calm down if you want to go home...we don't have time for this..." and finally she huffed and left to go get the doctor. Eventually I got my bp to 130/89 and they released me. As I left they handed me a bunch of papers that said Possible Miscarriage/Failed Pregnancy. It was NOT a failed pregnancy. I had not failed. Andrew had not failed. My baby had not failed. My pregnancy was not a failure by any means. My pregnancy was wanted, loved and cared for. My baby was wanted, loved and cared for.

I remember just sobbing for hours. I cant even remember the rest of that night. There was a slim chance that the baby was okay but I continued to be in pain and bleed. It was so bad every time I saw blood I thought I was going to puke and I stared crying all over again. Over the next few days I had another doctors appointment and they confirmed that my hcg levels have dropped which means I have already lost the baby for sure and that miscarriage was inevitable. It hurt so bad the emotional and the physical. I was devastated. I have cried on and off since then. Today is the first day since then that I have not sobbed, although it is only a little past 11 o'clock so we will see.

Andrew and I decided to name the baby that we loved so much.
Riley Faith Hudgins.

Riley means valiant or lion-hearted. Faith was picked because of the literal form of the word and it was after Andrews sisters middle name. He is our first baby and as of right now our only. He just beat us to heaven. I miss him so much and can hardly think of anything but him. I would give my right arm to just have 30 seconds to hold him and give him a kiss. I hope he knows that mommy and daddy love him more than life itself. We don't know the sex but I am convinced it was a boy. Riley, if you hear me saying "he" and you are a girl I am deeply sorry. I wish we could have had more time with you. We made you a memory box with a few little things, the first onsie I bought (it says 'dirt magnet'), the positive pregnancy tests, a little wood lion and a few others. Your daddy is creating a picture for us of forget-me-nots because Riley we will never ever ever forget you. On three canvases, you, me and daddy.

This was the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life but I am trusting that God knows what he is doing and I can trust him. It is hard. I have been sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, in denial, and so many other emotions I have never felt so deeply. I think I will continue to post about my feelings and missing Riley. I will also post a blog about things you should or shouldn't say to a mother or father who had just lost their baby. I think all of this will be a good release.

Pray for peace and quick healing for my body.
Pray we find shelter in the Lord during times of trouble.
Pray for strength in our marriage and patience for Andrew.
Pray for strength for me.

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