June 11, 2011

Silly Nonsense

Sorry for my absence again. Eleven days since my last post. I have just had a lot going on and had to take a break from talking. Ive been a lot quieter lately and more reserved about telling people how I feel. Most feel uncomfortable talking about Riley, they dont know what to say or they say hurtful things, even if not on purpose.

Life itself has been good. I am out of work for the summer so I have had a chance to just meditate on happy things. It has given me time to write, which is actually going quite well. I have a huge character chart and plot chart made and I think its lovely. I actually let the superman look at it the other day! I never ever let anyone see my work in the process. I have had an opportunity to read many many books. Which, of course, makes me very happy. My goal for the year us fifty books. Either new books or books I already have. My stretch goal is one-hundred but thats a book every three or four days; we will just have to see what turns up. We have spent a lot of time at the pool and I even have a tad bit of a tan! I havent had one in years, here is a pic. Check out my slightly visible tan lines:

Being in the sun has helped me a great deal. It makes me feel better about my body, which has been a constant struggle lately. Ever since I lost Riley it has been so hard for me to look at myself. I feel as if my body has failed me. Why do I deserve to be healthy and alive when I couldnt even keep my baby safe? I know this fear is irrational but it still pops up time to time. My biggest thing has been clothing. The first weekend in May my parents took me shopping for my birthday. As silly as it sounds my clothes didnt even fit then even though I was only about six weeks along. Its sadly because I was so small to start with that gaining even a few pounds made my clothes uncomfortable. I only weighed about 106lbs because of having my digestion issues. When I found out that I was pregnant my doctor made me change my diet and change my meds. I gained 4lbs so I was in a healthy weight range. This caused my clothes not to fit anymore (I was wearing a 0/1). I got rid of a lot of my old clothes because I didnt think I was going to stay that small. After all I had a growing baby in my belly and I was being healthy again.

Now when I put on those clothes they are too big again. There is no more growing baby and I could care less about my weight now so all of my new clothes dont fit. They are all too big and when I put them on I just cry because it is a reminder that I shouldnt be this size. I should be growing and have a growing belly.

Girlie topic ahead, boys just skip this paragraph: The worst part about my body is my chest. I originally took a pregnancy test because my breasts were sore and growing and I was one day late. At six weeks along my chest had already grew a whole cup size. They felt heavy and ginormous. I thought it was great. Well, I bought new sweaters to cover up for my normal shirts to be conservative to not show cleavage. Those sweaters are now droopy and dont fit the way they did when I was pregnant. It makes me cry so I put those sweaters and dresses in the back of my closet.

So I have spend the last month and a half hating my body. It bothers me in a way it never had. I know one thinks that they are perfect. Ive always known Ive had bad skin, was pale a bit flabby and out of shape but now I cant even stand my body. Not a day goes by where I feel like I am pretty. I dont even like to shower or get our of my pajamas because it means that I have to see my body. It doenst look like it should. Its puny, not full and growing. It sucks. Im not trying to be a debbie-downer, I am just being honest. Its hard for me to even get dresses in the morning because every time I put on my pre-pregnancy jeans it just reminds me that Riley isnt there anymore. How pitiful is that? I cant even get ready in the morning without wanting to cry because my clothes make me cry.

That the way I am nowadays though. I am a bit quieter and mire reserved. I cry more and get angry less. It takes a lot to make me angry anymore because in all honesty most things in life seem to trivial to get mad about, I just dont care. Im less passionate about life. I feel numb a lot of the time. I dont like hugs from anyone. I do get sad much easier though. I can cry over the stupidest things; three empty canvases, a little boys onesie, a baby shower invitation, lions... or even my husband bringing me beautiful purple flowers that I love but the same flowers were in my bouquet I received from our church when they found out our Riley passed away.

Im not depressed I just think I have changed. I dont think there will ever be the old Katlyn again. Maybe its because I am a mother of loss, maybe because my heart was broken, maybe because I dont care as much about things or maybe because its just the path in life. Life is just showing me I was too passionate, fiery, worried and high strung to survive the way I was going. Im still me, Im still Katlyn :) just a more subdued version. I do hope that someday my fire will return. If not though Im fully content with my life as it is.

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