July 09, 2011

I Asked For It

It feels like I was just hit with a ton of bricks.

Im not sure if what I type will all make sense because my mind is still reeling. I was on facebook reading posts and a friend of mine posted and article about a woman named Katie Davis who is 22 years old and lives in Uganda... oh, and she is also the foster mom to fourteen children. I read the article about the woman and the love she has. I read a few of the mean spirited comments putting her down because she is so young and a mother to so many. They say she is selfish for wanting all those children for herself, a single-unwed-young-mother in another country. People saying that the children should be taken away because she is American and they are Ugandan. People saying that the government should take her children away because of it! No one thought that maybe this is where the children are meant to be. Its not the conventional family but it is a family that is built on pure love and trust. My heart hurt for her. Here she is, doing the Lords work ("Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families."-Psalms 68:5-6), and they are saying such mean things to her. Doing what she should do and they are hating on her and wanting her family to be torn apart.

I wanted to learn more about her so I found her blog.
here is her blog if you are interested:

but I digress, this is not what hit me with a ton of bricks. This was only about brick number one on this journey. I read her blog and I couldn't get through a single post without crying. I would finish one and before moving to the next, collect myself and say, "I cant possibly be crying over a blog, so stop being silly." I would stop the tears and read on to the next one, and then more tears would flow. The words she typed is my heart exposed from the inside. What she says is my dream since I was a child. I asked to be close to God and be more like Jesus. I guess I never really understood what it really meant. Jesus was hated by many, while he loved all. He was bloodied and beat, while he still loved them. He was scorned and called drunkard, while still loving them. He was mocked and still loved them. He was abandoned and still loved them. He was betrayed and still loved them. He watched loved ones die and feel pain, he felt the pain too because he loved them. He was a man that gave his entire life, literally, in order to show his love for us. I asked for this. I begged God for this. In order to be like Christ there must be pain.

This is where the rest of the bricks came raining down on me. I realized that I asked for it. I begged for it. Most of you know that in May we lost our baby. My only child that I had prayed for since before I could remember. God knew my heart and how much I loved this baby. I would have given my life just to hold him for a few moments. In order to be like Christ there must be pain. My son died, there is no pain like it and yet, God has experienced this. He watched his son being tortured, beat, bloodied, spat on, hated, bruised and hung on a cross to die. HE knows what its like to watch his own child die. I felt so alone. I know other women have been through it but I just couldn't feel a connection with them. God showed me that I am not alone because He has been there too. I asked to be closer to Him, to have more of Him and He gave it to me. His son is in heaven with Him, my child is also there with Him. My tiny baby that I loved so much is basking in Gods glory. I couldn't think of a happier, safer place to be. My arms are nothing in comparison to the arms of God.

I realized that I asked for this pain. I wanted to be closer to Christ and I got it. Its exactly what I asked for. Now I can say that I am thankful for it; my baby is safe in the arms of Jesus and I am closer to him. Even through this pain I ask to be closer still.

I have no idea where life will bring me. I am lost in all my ways except one. The only thing that keeps me going is trust. I trust God has a plan for my life and it will be for glory. So once again God, I ask to be closer.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him,
but also to suffer for him."

Philippians 1:29

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