December is almost here...

So it is the Monday after Thanksgiving...

It was great having five days off to recoup. The school where I work for was out Wednesday instead of just Thursday. I needed those days, especially because Wednesday night I got sick! I have a horrid head cold and no voice. I have been dubbed Chipmunk because I squeak when I talk. It could always be worst. Lexi from Muzungu Mama Ministries and her daugter both have malaria! So I don't feel okay with whining about a silly little cold.

Thanksgiving was okay. I loved seeing friends and family. It was nice getting to know my cousins fiance a little better. My other cousin is 32 (almost) weeks pregnant and looks amazing. She is simply glowing. The little cousins are not so little anymore and the family is still growing. I was so proud of myself because I only cried twice that day and only hid in the bathroom once (high five for me). Sometimes its hard being around family because my heart knows that my two little ones are missing. I wish I was about to pop (Riley's due date was 12/27/11) or even just a glorious 12 weeks pregnant with Brielle. But I guess God has different plans for me.

The Monday before Thanksgiving I had the honor of going to Zoo Lights with a friend of mine and her family. It was a great time and I adore her neice and nephew.

 

Emily and I waiting while the kiddos were on the carousel




For Bug, our little Brielle




Roaring lion for our Riley

It was a lot of fun to be able to just hang out. Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. Half of me is normal ole Katlyn who is happy, loves to read books, hang out, travel, and the other half of me feels like a failure of a mother, confused, hurting person who does nothing but cry. Confused because I don't know what God is doing with our lives and unsure where we are going. I trust that He knows the way to the "park" (inside joke from our last teaching at church from Pastor Jeremiah -love when he teaches!). It is hard to focus on the destination when you feel so lost. I have no idea where we are going. I know very little about our future: we want to adopt. That is all I know. No idea if we will try again for biological children. No idea if we will buy a house. No idea if we will travel. No idea if we will teach in Africa. No idea if I am going to finish school. No idea of anything anymore. Being wholly reliant on God can be scary. Being lost ni the darkness of mourning and fear with only a lamp on my feet and I cannot see five feet in front of my face is scary. I have no idea what 2012 will bring but we are trusting that He knows the plan.

Now we are into the Christmas season. Always remember The Reason for the season :)

The Difference Between One and Two

A few days ago I had someone ask me if the second miscarriage is easier than the first because I knew what to expect? I was shocked.

Lets reword this question: Is watching your second child die easier because you knew what it was like watching your first?

The first one is considered "normal" but at twenty-two years old and had two baby losses in six months the doctors get concerned. Two hurts more because it is not only the loss of a second child but the fear that you will be one of the few that will not be able to carry a baby. It is the fear that all of my biological children will die inside of me. The fear that consumes all of me that it was my fault Riley and Brielle didn't make it. That my body failed me, failed my husband, failed my family and most of all, that it failed my children. That feeling is indescribably. It was out of my hands both times. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have any caffeine. We eat organic, I took my vitamins and ate healthy. I didn't stress out, overwork myself or do anything harmful. I did exactly what the doctors said and still my body failed me. Failing hurts more than words can say.

Unless you have lost more than one child you might not understand, please don't tell me you know what it is like. Just like I cannot tell a woman, who has lost three, four, five or more, I know what it is like. We can mourn together but not understand what they are going through.

I wouldn't wish this on my greatest enemy. I know there have been many women in a similar place and it breaks my heart knowing they have been through this. I have been sad for so long I can't remember living without heartbreak. Weeks without Brielle, months without Riley and years without my children period. Years of missing a child who I have never felt, heard or touched. Missing a place that I have never been. Home is so far away just as my children are. That pain resonates in my very being. God has healed but the scars remain. He has used this heartache to shape who I am and who I am becoming. I would not be who I am if I did not have my two babies in heaven.

So, yes the difference between one and two is huge. 

I lost my child...

--Written by Netta Wilson

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
... They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream,
This can't be real, I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside.
God help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face.
"You must move on, and leave this place."
Yet, I am trapped right here in time,
The song's the same, as is the rhyme.
I lost my child... today!!!

Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

I am blank because...

I got this idea from the beautiful Little Miss Momma...I am blank because....

I am weird because...

I love winter but get cold easily.
I can eat just about anything except brussel sprouts.
I am not a big cuddler; I cuddle kiddos and my husband for a few mintues but thats it.
I am am deathly afraid of spiders but snakes, bats, birds, any other bug I don't mind.
I work, eat and sleep while thinking about Africa.
I don't like seeing girls hit on guys.
I feel awkward in big groups but love talking in front of them.
I am really old school.
I have more friends in books than I do in real life.
I also cry when a good book is over because its like a breakup.

I am a bad friend because...

I am a homebody.
I don't like texting much.
I forget your birthday.
I don't return phone calls promptly.
I am blunt.
I don't pray enough.
I don't spend nearly as much time as I should with my friends.

I am a good friend because...

I am a counselor at heart.
I support my friends no matter what they are going through.
I forgive, every single time.
I will pick up the phone no matter what time it is.
I don't tell secrets.
I really truly love you and wil be there even if we haven't spoken in years.
I see my friends as extended family.
I will be silent and cry with you.

I am sad because...

I miss my Riley.
I miss Brielle.
I want to be in Africa.
I had a dream of having the dust of Africa on my feet with a baby boy tied to my back, holding the hand of a young girl who was holding my husbands hand who had a little boy on his shoulders. It was the happiest I have ever felt but then I woke up.
I rely too much on myself and I feel like I fail too much.
Thanksgiving is the day we were going to announce Brielle.
Christmas plus two days was Riley's due date.
I want someone who just understands.
I feel like heaven is so far away.

I am happy because...

I have my husband who is more amazing than you know.
I have a home, food, friends, family, a job, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet.
I was blessed with two babies.
I know God loves me.
I love my job.
It is almost time for Jesus birthday. 
I have my handsome husband picking me up from work today and we get the next two days together.
Thanksgiving is just a few days away.
I have four lovely little lady helpers in my health office at lunch that told me I am their role model.

I am excited for...

Life. 
The future.
Adopting.
Babies.
Kiddos.
Africa.

Relief

Tonight was much needed. A night having fun with a lady who understands. I am so appreciative for my friends. It makes times like this just a bit easier. Doesn't stop the pain but it helps the heart ache.

Winter

If you don't already know, winter is my favorite season. Seriously, I love everything about winter. The slow music cuddling on the couch with a book and hot chocolate or in my case, tea. Lovely, wonderful, hot tea. Scarves are pretty much my favorite clothing item, not accessory but clothing item. I would have shelves of the if I was rich. I love the cold weather and seeing my breath. Being all bundled up to go to the store and saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" and right after "Merry Christmas!" I love saying it so much sometimes even after Christmas I still say it because I forget it already happened. Forget the gifts I love The Reason for the season (more like The Reason for everything). I love seeing family over and over and over again. I think they must be sick of me by January. I love visiting the snow (Thanking God I don't live in it). Sleeping with the windows open at night... amazing, especially when you get to wake up next to a handsome personal heater.

This season will be extremely hard this year though... Riley's original due date was just a few days after Christmas, December 27th, my supposed-to-be Christmas baby. Brielle would have been twelve weeks this Friday and we were going to announce the pregnancy at Thanksgiving, my little Junebug. This is the first holiday season without our babies. As of today we are a family of four but only two are on earth. I ache wanting them here with me but I am grateful that they are able to be in heaven with Jesus. I am trying to lay my own feelings aside and accepting what is best for my babies.

It means that there is one more Christmas that I don't have my babies in my arms... My kiddos from across the ocean are still without me and it makes my heart hurt. All of my children are so far. Some are across the ocean and some are in heaven. I feel like pieces of me are missing and right now there isn't much I can do about it. Jesus has been doing a work on my heart, bringing a sense of peace I didn't know was possible. I feel internally at peace but at the same time he is building a fire inside that is burning brighter everday. When I figure out what this fire is burning for I know I will feel more complete. Missing pieces of the puzzle coming together.

 Making myself smile by taking a Christmas survey:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Tea :)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa is my grandpa so Mrs. Clause and he wraps them.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White, almost all of our decorations are all white snow and silver colored.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope, there might be nargles in them.

5. When do you put your decorations up? I wanted to do it this past weekend but it was to early, so probably the weekend after Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? I love dark meat turkey, green beans with onions, and homemade mashed potatoes.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Christmas was always amazing when you grew up with Sanda as your grandpa.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I grew up knowing Santa wasn't really real but that he was related to me... strange upbringing haha

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Only if it was the time we were celebrating with part of my family.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? We have an "ornament of the year" which stands for something. Last year it was a carved giraffe and this year we have two. Riley's is a little lion and Brielle's is an angel.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I love to visit it :)

12. Can you ice skate? Psh, no way. Do you know how clumsy I am?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I have always liked all of them.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Jesus, family and friends.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pie and coffee.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Hanging out in our PJ's at my parents house eating breakfast before opening presents.

17. What tops your tree? Nothing haha

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Giving. I would much rather do Operation Christmas Child or Angel Tree or Doves than recieve presents.

19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Yum!

20. Favorite Christmas show? I don't think I have one.

21. Saddest Christmas Song? Christmas Shoes

22. What is your favorite Christmas song? Anything about The Reason!

Two Weeks (again)

I should have been 11 weeks today.

I never thought I would be writing a post like this again. It's harder this time around because I am just numb to it all. Two weeks ago today we found out that Brielle's heart had stopped at exactly nine weeks. Two weeks ago this morning I knew my baby was gone. I knew I was carrying my dead baby's body inside of me. The symptoms were still kicking my butt and it was painful to know that I had these symptoms for "no reason." Andrew and I were able to see the baby one last time on the ultrasound. They gave us two more small ultrasound pictures and we have these framed by her memory box. The sac was already collapsing so the pictures aren't the greatest but I am appreciative we have some picture of it all.

The offered us cytotec to induce contractions for my uterus to expell the "pregnancy tissue" but I denied it. I just couldnt force my baby, even though she was dead, into the world. It was the same medication that they give women to abort their children. I just couldn't do it. I had fought for Brielle from the begining with everything I had. Every sick moment, head ache, back ache, every vomit, strange symptom, I would do it all again for just nine more weeks with her. I would relive every moment even if I knew at the end I would lose her. I just want a few moments to be pregnant and happy and know she is safe and growing inside my womb.

Today hurts.
My heart aches and my head hurts.
Knowing it has been two whole weeks since Brielle's heart stopped is hard because I feel so numb.
It's still hard to wrap my head around it because I still have some remnants of the pregnancy.
My HCG isnt below zero yet so I still sometimes have pregnancy symptoms.

The worst thing though is I can't even cry today.
I miss her so much but I can't cry. Does that make me a terrible mother?

I really have no more words for today.

Vlog

I made a vlog that you can watch Here

Possible Chromosome Abnormalities

Addressing a comment someone left on my blog:

First, I would like to thank the commenter for saying they would pray for me and they hope I find peace.

Second, thank you for saying you think God will someday bless me with a child, except that I already have two children. Even though Riley and Brielle are in heaven doesn't mean that they are not my children. I have been greatly blessed and please don't mistake my grieving over them as  I am ungrateful for my children. Also, carrying a baby is limited importance to me in the grand scheme of things, I know many of our children will be adopted. I carry them in my heart instead of my womb.

Third, I wanted to address the part where you told me that it is possible that I wasn't eating enough and that would cause me to miscarry. Also inferring that I could use to gain some weight to be healthy. I thought I would share what the doctor told us.

Honestly, I am small in build and in weight. I am five foot four and about 108lbs. Yes, that is not very big but not unhealthy. My doctor was not concerned about my weight unless I started to lose weight. Not that it is anyone's business what I eat but I figured I would clear some things up. I eat very healthy. I eat three solid meals a day and four "snacks." I eat all organic and balance out my carbs and protein and sugars. For some strange reason my body has a hard time staying hydrated and putting on weight, but again this did not concern my doctor because I was not under weight when I found out I was pregnant. Actually by my second doctors appointment I had gained two pounds. So no, my eating habits had nothing to do with my ability to "carry to term."



When we found out we lost Brielle I questioned the doctor if there was anything I could have done different. I was fearful that for some reason my body was killing my babies. The doctor told me that the way Brielle was growing was not in the 90th percentile of normal growth and was growing incredible slow. The heartbeat started a week later than it should have and even though she was growing it was not at the rate of even being close to normal. She said that the baby most likely had chromosome abnormalities and that is what was causing the slow growth. She prepared us for the idea that our baby may be born very sick or with health problems, if she made it to term at all. The doctor said that it would be very likely that our baby would be sick because of these abnormalities. Of course Andrew and I agreed that no matter what the outcome we wanted this baby. Whether this meant Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Triple X, Klinefelter Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome or whatever the outcome would be, we knew the baby was our gift from God and he would give us the strength to handle whatever was brought our way. We loved this baby the moment that second pink line appeared.

We still prayed that the baby would be healthy and that is exactly what happened.  It is very possible that our babies health problems could not be solved on earth. So I prayed God would heal her in any way possible, even if it meant hurting me or killing me in the process. I was willing to lay down my own life for this itty-bitty baby but that was not God's plan. God's plan is that my baby is whole and healthy and in heaven. There is no place better. God chose to take her home early and thus hurting us in the process of at the same time blessing us. We had the blessing of enjoying her short life with her and loved her every moment she was here. I thank God for those nine weeks and I would do it all again.

UPDATE: For the commenter below inferring that I am anorexic this is just to humor you.
A list of what I have eaten today 09/16/11 by 3:54pm:
-Whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and a carnation instant shake for breakfast at about 7:30am.
-A few oreos for snack and finished a water bottle by about 10:00am.
-A foot long turkey sub on wheat from Subway (yes a foot long with extra mayo) and a Dr. Pepper for -lunch and a second water bottle at 12:15pm.
-A packaged of 100% juice fruit snacks at about 2:00pm.
-A slice of organic pumpkin pie and homemade whip cream; currently eating(Yum! early thanksgiving at the school where I work).

My heart is Breaking into a Million Pieces...

... and not just for why you think. It is being broken by Jesus. As I have prayed before, He is starting to make it happen. "Break my heart for what breaks yours."

I know His heart breaks for me and my babies. I also know that Riley and Brielle are in heaven with Him so he is rejoicing that two of His children are home. Jesus heart hurts for us when we go through hard times and He only gives the strongest the biggest battles, not ones who are strong in their own strength but those who are stong because of Him (Phillipians 4:13). My heart is breaking because half of me is being broken because I miss my babies while the other half of me is glad that Christ came so we can all spend eternity together.

Those two halves break even further because my children that are all across the world are not with me either. I worry about my childrens birth mothers. How are those women doing? Are they safe, happy and healthy or are they in "the least of these" and in need of someone to take care of them. Are my children even born and suffering somewhere in an orphanage? My children will be part of the 147 million orphans. That hurts. It hurts to know your babies are somewhere in the world, away from you and there isnt anything you can do about it yet. I wish I could be there for them at their first breaths. To hold them and kiss them and wrap them up to carry them around until their own little legs can support themselves. It is all the uncertainty that breaks my heart.  

My heart breaks again because Africa is singing me a sad ballad of all the heartbreak that is happening there. People who are in need of food and medical care. Who are in need of the story of Hope given to us by Jesus Christ. They are need of someone to care and love them.

This feeble heart of mine feels like it is in a million pieces right now and only Christ can put them back together. I feel so unsure of myself but so sure of Christ. Missions have always been on my heart since I was a little girl. I was nine and would tell my parents when I grew up I wanted to move to Africa. When I met my husband we were two crazy kids and didnt have a plan. As we grew together and grew in our relationship with Christ his heart started to break for the kids in a music video on tv. It's such a small thing but that is when Superman started to realize that his heart breaks for the same people mine does.

In September we were still praying for God to show us his will. We felt adoption tugging really hard on our hearts. That same week I found out that I was pregnant again. We thought maybe Gods plan was different from ours and were thrilled with whatever was brought our way. We found out on Nov. 4th that our baby girls heart wasnt growing properly and it stopped. She was born on Monday. God is moving in a big way and we are not sure of where to go. Adoption is in our future and we hope God has us doing missions as well. Financial reasons are the only hold up right now because of all my medical bills and school debt. We are praying God will show us where we are supposed to be.

I dont tell my story to seek pity or tears but to let others know that God can work ALL things together for GOOD. Even in the middle of the storms, when you cling to God, He will take care of you. I know missionary work is heartbreaking and backbreaking and I am thinking God is using these hard times to make us stronger and closer to him.

Please just pray that God show is His plans and moves us wherever he wants.